Long friendship with Aspie . . . I give up

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That's why one should never make sex tapes; it always ends up on the wrong hands.

Wow, I go on hiatus for a while and come back to sex tapes. Lol

Last edited by imhere on 20 Nov 2017, 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I daresay the rest of us aren't here for generalizations.

Not all aspies experience the same exact things to the same degree, but to be diagnosed there are, factually, certain traits present.

There are also certain reactions that non-spectrum people have to these traits and tendencies, and those reactions are not a generalization, but they, too, are a logical and factual response to certain stimuli. Does that mean that everyone reacts the same? No. But if there wasn't enough of the walking away, hurt, and otherwise disregarding aspie persons as a result of those traits, then there wouldn't be any difficulties for aspies or those close to them, and therefore no need for a forum such as this. So obviously none of this is a cold unfounded discriminatory generalization. But rather expression of how it feels on the other side.

Yes it's all the fault of the nasty Asperger's, if I were you I would avoid it. You do realise it's catching don't you?

But there can't be an anti-autism theme to this person's posts. We're just trolls for not accepting her "contribution" to the forum without question. It's obvious she has a firm grasp of what autism is and is very supportive and we are just being unreasonable by questioning her motives for posting here repeatedly about how cruel and awful and wrong-headed her "aspie friend" is, because really we should realize that we are all cruel and awful and wrong-headed because that's how autism makes us. Really, we need this person's help to become less autistic and be better people.

From the most sincerest place in my heart, I truly do not understand why it is so offensive to openly discuss the well-known scientifically based traits and tendencies of a disorder that no one asked to have, that no one is at fault for having, and for which no one thinks badly of a person who has that disability. There is not one negative thing in what I said, not one thing. For crying out loud, there are only two kinds of people on this forum...those who have asperger's and those who care about someone who does. That's it.

There are many posts where someone with asperger's might say something like "I don't know why people stop talking to me" or "I don't know why I have such difficulty in social situations" or "I don't know how I feel, how do I tell if I'm in love"....none of which is shameful in any way. And the responses from other aspies usually go something like this: "well, you probably don't read other people well", "you should realize that NTs need for you to tell them how you feel about things", "you should ask directly what someone wants if you don't know what to do in a situation". But when an NT refers to these same traits they are ostracized. There is a defensive mechanism there that need not be there. Why are people so offended by discussing the real consequences of a disorder that they have? And here I was, thinking it is awful for a decent human being to disregard an aspie for being aspie or because they don't care to try to understand the aspie and just disregard them instead, when that aspie might have wonderful things to offer.

At no point have Anngables or imhere implied that their autistic friends are behaving the way they are out of spite or in a pre-meditated way, and they have both acknowledged that the cause is something that an autistic person may not be able to control. Knowing those things rationally does not alter the fact that they cannot get inside an autistic person's head in order to experience and understand what is going on. They have also acknowledged that the experience may also be painful for their autistic friends.

Autistic people on this site are constantly complaining about how hard social communication difficulties can be to deal with, and I sympathise with that because that is part of my autistic experience too. But the communication problem works in both directions; the posters are trying to communicate with someone who has a different kind of mind to them, just as we often have to communicate with people who have a different kind of mind to us. Their pain and frustration is only the mirror image of ours.

I get that we have a different communication style from NT people, but I really don't think that's what is the problem here.

In imhere's case it sounds like the autistic person in her life doesn't want anything to do with her and she can't accept that she's been rejected. Maybe some people aren't capable of being friends with autistic people because their minds are too different, and they should just accept that instead of pressuring the autistic person to be different. How do we know that he just doesn't like her personality and doesn't know how to tell her that without hurting her feelings, and that's why he's pulled away, because he just doesn't like being around her and doesn't want to be her friend? Mayby she makes him really uncomfortable, maybe she makes him feel bad for being autistic. Maybe their relationship was so one-sided because he never wanted to be part of it. We only have her side of things.

I have decided not to be friends with people anymore who I used to be friends with, and it had nothing to do with our communication style and everything to do with the fact that we were very different people and they behaved in ways I didn't respect or want anything to do with, and so I severed my friendships with them. They were NT and I am autistic, but that had nothing to do with my decision to not be their friend anymore. My decision was based on the difference in character, not neurology.

Maybe this guy just decided he didn't want to be her friend anymore, and if that's the case he has every right to do that and she should let go and leave him alone. We can't know what he's thinking, only her perception of his behaviour. It sounds like he sent some pretty clear messages that she's not willing to hear.

It's possible he's not even autistic and is just a jerk who is messing with her. We have no way of knowing.

I don't know that this applies to AnnGables, this is based solely on what I have read of imhere's posts.

I also find it a bit strange (suspicious?) that this is posted in L & D.

Not suspicious . . .. . I love my friend and he loves me . . . Just not in a relationship way. I post here cos initially we were both a little confused about our feelings nearly 3yrs ago. Now I just keep posting here because I find I get good advice.

And I hear what you say about severing friendships with people because you simply don’t want their friendship for various reasons anymore. I think the issue for Imhere is the lack of communication about that, this makes it difficult to find closure.

My situation is very different. I get frustrated and confused at times and come here to get understanding and advice. Which I greatly appreciate

And see from my perspective it feels many folks are suspicious of why I would want to hang on to this friendship. The suggestion that I want something “else” whatever that may be, the idea that I am a needy person who should find other friends, that I am in some way dysfunctional for wanting this friendship have all been suggested . . ..

I want this friendship because I am a caring and loyal human. I have many friendships which each have their own quirks and peculiarities but many have lasted 30yrs plus. I am not going to walk away from a friendship that generally causes me much happiness if the problems are caused by our different brains not communicating properly. . . .. at least not yet. And as I’ve said many times before I am sure I am as equally challenging to him.

@imhere
Some men leave. I always leave in “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” kind of way (jobs, friends, girls) I never attributed it to neurology before but to the fact that I am the progeny of leavers. Your interpretation is food for thought.

@anngables & imhere
There’s some bullying on WP but it’s harmless on most occasions it’s not meant as an attack but to convey information or to clarify a misunderstanding. At the heart of Aspie communication is information exchange, it boils down to trying to figure something out, to understand. It seems to me it’s not very different from what you’re doing- but you’re going about it in a NT sorta way. Who can blame ya...

Eight pages and multiple reports, no sign of improving...