Need Help...Need to End a "Relationship"

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I'm in a very confusing and frustrating situation right now...here's the story...

1. One month ago we had spring formal at college. My friend and I mutually agreed to go together since she was going to be graduating and I've got another year left. We figured we'd spend a night together. (We met each other in a class back in October, really didn't see much of each other until late March, and then saw each other on a more regular basis in April once she joined chess club, which I am the president of).

2. The dance was a lot of fun, as expected. We spent most of the time together although I did spend some time with various other people I knew. On the way home she insisted on holding my hand on the bus. This seemed to be a common ritual for anyone going even as friends...I've seen this as far back as high school. We hung out for a bit in her dorm until I went home (I live off-campus). We did hug each other but never kissed or anything.

3. She invited me out for lunch the following weekend along with a few other folks. Again, we had a good time and when someone commented on me even she said "we're just friends" (which is what I had also thought).

4. She goes home, I go home. The semester is over and a few days later she calls me to tell me about a job she was looking at. We had a good chat.

5. Here's where it gets tricky. I get a message online that says "I Love You" in an obscure foreign language. Google comes to my aid to decode it and I write the same thing back, figuring she said it in a friendly sort of way (and also to see if I knew the language). Besides, a lot of my friends say "I love you" in a friendly sort of way, why should this one be any different? All was fine until...

6. I log onto my Facebook and get a relationship request a few days later. Now I by no means had wanted to be in a relationship (I'll explain why below). However, being that I have never really had to deal with this situation in a long time I confirmed it--mostly because I didn't know what to say to her about this without hurting her. Now I'm not sure how to get out of this mess--I like the single lifestyle and don't want to be tied to anyone's strings right now and even if I did, I feel this wouldn't work for the following reasons:

A. Geography. She lives 200+ miles away and will be taking a job ~900 miles away for the fall.
B. Lack of dating. We've been on exactly one date, if you even want to call going as friends a date. (Lunch in the college cafeteria does not count as a date...at least I would hope not).
C. Dissimilar interests. She likes to camp, likes Star Trek and Twilight, and doesn't really care for science or public schools. Meanwhile, I'm someone whose idea of camping is staying at a Days Inn instead of a Hilton, knows nothing about and doesn't care about Star Trek or Twilight, has been hopelessly obsessed with science since childhood, and is currently in school to become a teacher...probably at a public school where science is taught (I'll probably be teaching science, actually).
D. Conflicting personalities. I actually do have reason to suspect that she has AS, but I've managed to overcome a lot of my tendencies in the past year...I'm a relatively perky, friendly, down-to-earth type guy while she's quiet, shy, and likes to dream a lot about things.
E. I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I may be moving myself next year and don't want to have to be limited to jobs only in a particular area--I'll go where the best combination of salary, demand, and cost of living are as long as it's not in a rural area or somewhere too cold. (AKA I've got almost the entire southeast to scout out and will probably make my choice between OH, VA, NC, SC, WV, MD, GA, and FL...will only stay in PA if a full time job pops up here and the chances seem better in all those other states plus DC, although I'm not sure if I want to deal with traffic in DC).

There are a few reasons why something may work...we both love Jesus, we get along pretty well, and we both like math (how often do you meet someone who doesn't have math anxiety anyways?). We're also the same political party and I get along really well with her dad. However, all signs point to her being a close friend, which is what we were before this whole fiasco started. I want that back!! !

My question--how do I approach this? I basically need to tell her that this thing won't work out but that I'd love to resume the old close friendship relationship we had (and that we still have in my eyes--despite what my Facebook says I'm as single as I was a month ago in my mind).

I've been concerned about doing this for the past week and wanted to do it one week ago but I'm too afraid of saying the wrong thing...no way I want to kill a good friendship.

BTW: As for mutual friends, there is only one who will be at college next year, and she doesn't know any of my other friends who will be around for my last year. Nasty rumors wouldn't be spread if I did fail somehow but I'd have to live with the shame of losing her as a friend...which would be a shame for both of us.

I think you should be honest with her and tell her how you feel or show her this thread.

So basically the "pros" and "cons" sections are what I should say, right?

My problem is how to bring it up. It's sort of like writing a good paper without an introduction right now, if you know what I mean. I think once I come up with a way to introduce it I'll be fine. The conversation will obviously be via telephone...do I really want to go right to this first thing in a conversation? And more importantly, what do I say to introduce it?

I'd show her this page but she doesn't know about my diagnosis nor do I want her to know. The only people who know of my diagnosis are my doctors and my family and one very close high school friend who only knows because I had trouble with a one-sided relationship (only this time, on my part) back then and she really helped me out of things there...the only reason she knows is because it came up when we were talking about communication problems I was having and I knew I could trust her with a secret (and to this date she still hasn't told anyone except her mom, which I'm fine with).

Don't show her the page... it's too much info.

I think I'd just say there seems to have been a misunderstanding, that she seems more interested in an intimate relationship than you, and state a couple-three of reasons. Then let her know that you value her friendship, know this is awkward, but hope that the two of you can stay friends.

If she's extended herself, it's gonna hurt no matter how kind you are if you're clear. How she deals with it is up to her... she may be able to rise above the embarrassment, she may refuse to hear what you have to say and continue to pursue you, she may crawl under a rock and disappear. Your only obligation is to be clear and kind in stating that you are not interested in deepening your friendship to that level.

As far as I know, this sort of thing never feels good. One of the icky parts of growing up.
Good luck.

Sounds good to me...I do think I'm more concerned about how she'll handle it than how I'll handle it. I will say, I've felt bogged down ever since she has talked about this relationship stuff. I will feel so relieved once this "in a relationship" tag is removed from my Facebook profile. I'll be relieved no matter what happens but I'll definitely be somewhat down if she takes things the wrong way. (After all, it's me, not her--and I'm not just repeating that overused line here because it's the truth).

Even if she doesn't accept the whole friendship deal, I can figure that I survived fine before all of this and that life goes on...there are 6 billion people in the world and I'm sure to find others to hang out with. I do think she'll be fine with all of this because she's a pretty forgiving person who's sort of a novice to this love thing but if she's not I'm mentally prepared for it.

Any other suggestions for how to begin the conversation? Should I ask about life, etc first or just get right to the point?

It's always hard to tell someone you want to break up with someone because then there could be the guilt trip or that person falling into deep depression and then you feel guilty about it. Others could be blaming your ex's problems on you because you caused their friend or child or brother or sister to be depressed because your broke up with him or her. I had a hard time dumping my last ex because he was going through depression due to his ex gf who was making his life miserable and I didn't want to add to it so I wanted him to dump me. I think we were already broken up and I just didn't even know it because we both didn't even use these words "I want to break up because" Instead it was more like him asking me if we are aren't compatable for each other and I agreed and he agreed so that was the break up there my mom said. I can't believe I missed that. And when I put my profile back up on a dating site, my ex saw it and laughed and I wasn't expecting him to know I wanted to break up. I am sure he knew but he didn't tell me if I want to break up thats fine. Sometimes I wish I just told him straight out I didn't want to be with him anymore and I want to move on and then say "I'm sorry." But I didn't have a problem breaking up with my first ex because one I was upset, two I have already told him about I was starting to think about breaking up with him and he was cool with it. But after I broke up with him, I didn't care if he was depressed because he acted cool about it before we broke up so I couldn't understand why he was so upset and throwing himself a pity party and calling himself a screw up.

Hey, how ya doing? Uh-huh, yeah. That's cool (or whatever). You know, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about; I think there's been a misunderstanding... etc.

So a brief 'warm-up' and then to the point. Acknowledge it's uncomfortable to bring it up, it's probably uncomfortable for her as well, etc. But stay on topic, and finish with how much you appreciate her friendship, but you're not romantically interested.

It's a rejection, NOBODY likes rejection, but some can take it better than others.

This sounds like a good place to start the conversation.

Which points of the ones I mentioned do you think I should use? I think geography and my desire to move where the best jobs are should be right up there at the top, mostly because they wouldn't hurt her as much? Perhaps say that because of these factors I just don't feel as though it can work at this time?

One of my best friends did this with a girl in high school...I would have called him for advice but he's in Europe right now...he and his "ex" are still the best of friends, just as they were before she wanted to have a relationship with him. Hopefully I have the same success as him...I'd wait for him to get back so I could ask him what lines he used but this is causing too much stress on me that I have to do it ASAP to avoid having a mental breakdown.

Be honest with her, and just tell her how you feel. It's the hard way, but it's the only way. If you use geography etc as an excuse (when I'm really assuming you don't have romantic feelings for her judging by your post), she will still be holding on to hope, which is unfair on her.

You need to sit her down, and discuss it with her face to face.

I agree with Sunshower. And honesty is what we Aspies do, after all. I'd also emphasize how much the friendship means to you, but that you are really just not romantically interested in her.

My NT friend says it will help if you acknowledge you misread the signals, and that you didn't really think the Facebook thing through. Take responsibility for your missteps and that will make things smoother.

You seem like a nice guy who cares about others. Don't lose that.

I've been that girl and it is likely she will be more embarrassed than angry. Though, it may look like anger and she might avoid you like the plague for a while. You sound like you are sincere and good on you for not just blowing her off. Even if she doesn't respect you for it right away, you can respect yourself.