NT girl in a new relationship with an Aspie - need advice!

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Hello all,

I apologise in advance for what will probably be a long (and my first real) post!

Anyway, I am currently living in South Korea teaching English and I've been here almost 4 years - met my boyfriend 3 years ago and we began dating about 3 months ago.

He told me when we started dating that he has aspergers - at the time I honestly had no idea what it was so I asked him - he told me it was very mild autism and he has struggled to get to the point where he is now (he seems to have a few long term friends who have followed him to South Korea and I think he's quite easy to talk to), and I've read up a little about it and realised a lot of things I never really thought about before now make perfect sense (one example was about a year ago I remember thinking he talked far too much ad rarely listened - he seems to have worked on that since then because it's no longer an issue).

Anyway after visiting the various sites and often seeing things like '80% of relationships end in divorce' and it's going to be hard and lonely for the partner of one - I decided I wasn't going to fill my head with such rubbish and not worry about it. At that time we had only been dating for a month and I was quite simply very happy because we had finally got it together (2 years of one of us being single when the other wasn't and vice versa etc - we FINALLY worked it out and he admitted he'd liked me for months too ).

Back to the main topic - it's been almost 3 months now and his aspergers haven't been mentioned since he told me he had it. I'm starting to think that as he told me, he has learned how to 'fit in' and been quite sociable when comfortable (I don't think any of his friends know he has it). But the issue I'm starting to find is I think he's not sure what is expected of him within a relationship. I'm actually a very patient and understanding person and I choose to see things from both sides - but I believe we have reached the point where I think I need to talk to him about this and how it's affecting 'us' - I am willing to read and learn all I can to understand that he simply views things differently than I do - but I want to suggest to him to do the same for me (only seems fair really).

I don't mean anything major as such. I just mean my simple needs aren't being met by him. I'm a typical woman who needs reassurance and attention sometimes. I have to say I feel quite lonely within this relationship at times. I know about his past relationships - none have lasted longer than 6 months and have often resulted in the girl being a major comtrol freak, eventually treating him really badly and then leaving him for another guy. That's something I would never do. But I find I am the one who has to control the relationship in some ways - or we quite simply wouldn't see one another! He's told me he's passive and likes to follow - but I find myself making all the plans for each time we meet, which I don't mind. We actually only meet one day a week because we live 1 hour away from one another, but I find I'm the only one who calls him sometimes and mostly talks to him on chat when we're working (we both teach English) - I don't really hear from him unless it's on the day we're meeting to tell me what time he'll arrive...He never lets me know in advance which frustrates me because sometimes he'll come at 2pm - sometimes 9pm...So my day sometimes is wasted.

But anyway - my main issue was I spent the last month worrying that perhaps he wasn't really 'that into me', because we don't really talk during the week. I realised he's got his routine and he needs it to stay comfortable, which is fine. He's brought me into his routine one day a week which I'm happy with - but about midweek I do start to feel a bit insecure and wonder how much he really cares about me (I've had a lot of bad relationships in the past too where I've been messed around and used). This lack of reassurance makes me feel that he doesn't miss me or think too much about me at times - but then I remind myself that it probably isn't the case.

These are things I am going to talk to him about in a friendly way - simply say something like suggesting we call on every Wednesday (just add it to his routine). This is particularly important for me to establish soon with him because he's moving to Japan in March, he has asked me to go along with him and I intend to live in a similar area as him and follow him over in August - as we'll only have long distance for 6 months soon I think we need to get into the habit of better communication when we're apart. I have tried calling him a few times just for a chat and we chat away nicely and comfortably - but as it's only me doing it all the time I'm honestly starting to lose some enthusiasm (from past experiences too - I want to be in an equal relationship...if I'm the one making all these first moves it makes me think he doesn't care :s)

Anyway - I'm just wondering how best to bring up the subject with him. As we've never really discussed his condition I don't want him to think I am categorising him - but I think if I knew nothing about Aspies I possibly would have been tempted to break up with him (becuase I'd have misread the signals).

One of my other major issues with him is also sex (and the lack of intimacy). In public he's sweet; he'll hold me hand, call me 'baby', smile at me and look at me with his beautiful eyes (I find him so attractive )....but behind closed doors I think he sees making out as soon resulting in sex! As a woman I'm not satified missing out on the cuddly, kisses and touching just for the sake of it. I think as foreplay doesn't do too much (or is quite simply far too sensitve for him) he just chooses to skip it completely. I put it down to he may have not been told before what to do so didn't hold it against him - I just suggested nicely what I wanted....But he doesn't seem to get that a woman is not always simply 'ready to go' immediately like a man is. I often have to ask him to 'slow down' or move his hands to none intimate areas cause he sometimes goes straight for them (since I showed him certain things he could do....). Anyway - I knew this was something I could work on with him and haven't made a big deal about it so far....

But last week I had quite a disturbing experience (for me it was - possibly a combination of a past abusive relationship and what I interpreted as his lack of care or consideration for me). I think he considers foreplay an absolute waste of time and is always in a hurry to get to the sex part. Anyway, I was sleeping one night and he actually just grabbed my breasts with no warning so hard he really hurt me and immediately tried to have his way with me (no kisses etc) despite the fact I told him I wasn't ready and he was hurting me. It was this experience that shook me up a bit and make me feel very used - I was actually quite angry with him and afterwards told him he had hurt me and to stop handling me like a man. I've since given him a book to read about 'how to satify a woman' - it's written form the emotional point of view. I put this down to how he;s simply not aware of what effect his actions have on me - but that experience reminded me of a very abusive relationship and I think he does need to be more considerate and thoughtful. He's quite simply getting what he wants out of sex for very little consideration for my emotional needs. It doesn't feel loving or intimate for me after that (we haven't met since it happened) - just seems to be a basic need he needs to satisfy (I'm convinced his last girlfriends who ended up cheating on him often faked because he's convinced women 'get off' through sex alone despite me telling him seveal times I'm not one of those).

Quite simply - he's not listening to me. Perhaps I'm not being direct enough - but sex is a difficult thing to talk about with someone at first. But after that experience something definitely needs to change.

Anyway - I obviously need to have a long talk with him. He's stuck in his own routine in so many ways - but he's also very caring, intelligent and genuine. I feel I need to ask him if he really does have any strong feelings about me (particualrly because I plan to go and live in another country with him - leaving all my friends here...And another non English speaking country at that!). I feel the sex issue is now something I can't overlook anymore because his lack of thought for how what he does effects me actually physically and emotionally hurt me last time...I don't want to be reminded of a past abusive relationship, but I was for the first time in years that night (I didn't write all the details of that with this being a public forum). So, how am I best talking to him? I'm pretty sure some of this is down to his condition and he's stuck in his routine - but I don't want him to think I amassuming things about him (hence wanting to talk to him!). Any advice how to approach this would be greatly appreciated - I care deeply about this man and have for many years - I think we both deserve a loving relationship and I don't want to become another 'control freak'.

Please help!

PS I apologise for the ramblyness of this message!

Thanks ^^

Aspies, like any other people, can learn and change, but I wonder how much 'stretching' he can do. I.e., how much from his natural state he can change. I think what you're doing is quite good, just teach him things that don't come naturally to some aspies...I guess if things still continue that way there might be a point when it's just too hard.

I can see major two problems with the thought processes in this message:

1. Thinking he cares less about you because he does not engage in the NT behavior of calling you (you can insert any other NT behavior here). I rarely call anyone. People call me. They know this about me. They accept this about me. I don't care any less about anyone because I don't call them. I just don't call people that much. Comparing this trait to your past experiences is not fair. He is not like the other boys. Throw your past experiences and expectations out the window now. Tabula Rasa time.

2. Thinking he will care more about you if he engages in foreplay (again, insert any other NT behavior here). While he can certainly learn and script any behavior he can understand, this will not change what the experience is for him on a physical level. He may consider sex to be nothing more than satisfying a need and express his love and care for you in other ways. If you need this behavior to happen in order to feel emotionally fulfilled, then this is a good idea. He can and very likely will learn this behavior for you.

I have no doubt that he cares about you quite deeply but he will NOT express this like others you've dated. If you want to continue in the relationship, you'll have to recognize his way of caring; to be perceptive enough to look inside him and see how he expresses it his own way. Some studies have shown that we're actually MORE emotional than NTs but have issues with expression. Look deep.

Advice on how to approach: This depends on the aspie, but success for me would come by being direct rather than dropping hints. Being calm and rational rather than angry and emotional. And taking me OUT of my environment so that the message "sticks". If he can handle a new coffee shop, great. If not, take him to a room in the house/apt where you don't normally have a conversation.

General Commentary: You're considering changing countries over a guy you've been dating a handful of months. I know you've known him a few years, and that people have done more (and successfully) with shorter relationships. However, you're talking about a major move to a country with a completely different language both written and verbal. If you go through with this, keep your options open.

Last edited by ViperaAspis on 30 Nov 2009, 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You need to get over the discomfort about talking about certain things and flat out ask him. When you hint or beat around the bush, he just gets confused. You will know how into you he is when he tells you, and he'll tell you when you ask. You'll know how he views foreplay and all that when he tells you, and he'll tell you when you ask. Its another area that you simply grab the reigns and resolve - all those open issues of what he is thinking and what he wants. Put them on the table and talk about them.

My husband is AS and the times we get ourselves in trouble are the times we start assuming. He doesn't give off the normal signals, and he doesn't read mine accurately. Basically, if we leave anything up to unspoken communication it gets all muddled up. The only way to be sure about those issues is to talk about them, and we've learned over the years to do that. Its never long or drawn out, its usually pretty matter of fact and direct. Which is fine. It works.

Once you have those answers you will have to give thought to if his ways will be able to meet your needs. If you desperately want a man who will just "know" when things are off with you, this man isn't going to be it. But, chances are good, he'll make up for that in other ways, and he'll probably be incredibly supportive when you tell him what is wrong and what you would like from him specifically. My husband is. But I do have to tell him.

My husband and I have pretty much informally divided up duties over the years. I run our social life, arrange our vacations, nurture the kids, do the shopping, and support him on career issues (he's learned to do things over the years that he never thought he could). He does all the laundry, keeps the house in working order, and keeps us all laughing (wicked sense of humor). I don't need to know where he is and when he'll be home; I don't hold dinner. If he needs to work late or wants to get a work out in, he usually calls, but if he doesn't ... its OK (althought after an hour or two I'll call him just to make sure he's OK). But, actually, he's pretty predictable. We've developed our rhythm, and it works for us. But I am a very independent woman myself, and I like my space. So that may be part of what makes it work, as well.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. Finding the right life partner isn't easy, but you'll know when you do.

First, I have a friend who is NT and married to an Aspie. They just had their first child, and she wouldn't trade him for anything - so there are definitely successful NT/Aspie relationships out there.

I think it's been incredibly helpful for them as a couple to know he as Asperger's (that's an advantage you and your bf have as well). That knowledge has allowed them to cope with the issues that come up with a more complete understanding of what's a personality issue and what's more of an Asperger's issue.

To address the issues you raised - you have to communicate with him, on every level. (That advice pretty much works for any relationship, but exponentially so for an Aspie/NT relationship.) I think your assumption that your bf doesn't really know what's expected of him in a relationship is very accurate. It's almost kind of hard to believe on some level, particularly if you're with an Aspie who's has become very socially adept. You find yourself wondering why he/she can be so capable in certain situations, yet apparently be utterly lost in others. I think you have to accept the role of mentor, as well as gf, in your relationship if you want it to work for both of you. (And when I say "mentor" I really mean it - not a mom, not an authority figure, not a controlling wench....more of a teacher and coach.)

Be specific - tell him what you need, what you expect, how you can create compromises that meet both of your needs. Don't assume he knows how you feel about anything - tell him.

As to the foreplay/sex issues, there are all kinds of fabulous books to help him learn how to satisfy you (check the Good Vibrations website). Woman need about 30 minutes of foreplay to be fully ready for sex - that's just the way it is - and he needs to figure out what his role is in the process (and you need to help him). Get this material for him, read them with him, tell him what you like, show him what you like. Be brave.

As to his completely inappropriate sexual behavior (when he hurt you) - he needs to understand that "no" means motherf'ing NO - and when you say no, he will stop immediately (or he'll have to learn to swallow with his nuts lodged firmly behind his tonsils). Seriously, though...I had a situation with an Aspie that was similar to what you described. He was doing something that hurt me. Although I kept verbally expressing my discomfort, he just didn't stop. It was actually really traumatic for me, because I'd always known this guy to be a gentle person. In my effort to resolve (the trauma) of that particular situation, I learned Aspies can have difficulty processing feedback "in the moment." So even though I was saying, "Ow," etc., he wasn't making the connection that he should stop what he was doing. Clearly, this is something you need to resolve, because you can't accept being mauled (or worse) because of this.

From the Aspie perspective, I cannot emphasize too much how important it is to communicate clearly and directly. If there are things you need, spell them out explicitly and help him build them into his life.

Even things like a weekly phone call can be difficult to incorporate. I try to remember to call my parents every weekend--this message just reminded me that I didn't call yesterday. Also, I don't know what your bf is like, but the phone for me is a painful instrument--the only people I can tolerate a social phone call with are my parents. Everyone else I either communicate online (messaging, email, etc.) or in person.

I don't have as much insight with respect to sex. Being gay, my partners have been physiologically comparable to me, and I haven't had to learn some of the lessons about compatibility between sexes. That being said, I know that I have difficulty understanding subtle messages. I have had to learn that when my partner says, "Time for sleep," what he is really saying is, "I am too tired to start/continue sexual behaviour." (That one took a couple of years for me to learn...)

It seems to me, though, that you are open to working with your bf to improve things in your relationship.

This is very worrying. I would actually classify that as sexual assault. Please think very carefully about whether you want to contact this guy again.

I agree somewhat with what people have said here; people with aspergers don't always get hints or know how to act, but if someone's empathy is so low and their impulse control so bad to the extent that they have a toddler-like 'I want, therefore I'll take' attitude and don't mind hurting you if that's what it takes to satisfy their needs, then you need to be very careful.

I don't advise it at all, but if you do still want to keep contact, let him ring you first this time and apologise. Don't cave in and call him. Let him do a bit of running around and trying to figure you out before you let him get close again; he completely betrayed your trust and does not deserve an automatic second chance. From your post, it doesn't look as if a civilised conversation will have any impact.

I have a lot of respect for aspie-NT relationships where both parties put in effort, but it seems to be a little one sided here on your part. From your account, it sounds as if he likes other people running around after him and organising everything, and then when it ends, he gets to whinge about the girl being a 'control freak'. Even better, because you don't want him to label you as one, you're bending over backwards to be ultra sweet to him and he doesn't have to put in any work. You've tried reasoning with him but it's not working. Asperger's is a disorder of empathy, not deafness, and if he really doesn't appear to be making an effort, then he probably isn't.

I think moving to Japan is a bad idea; you will be isolated until you make friends and learn the language, and he will be your only 'support'. As you've said, your friends and family will all live back home. You haven't been going out very long and although you knew him as an aquaintance, as you've seen, a relationship can show an entirely different side to a person.

Also, another warning bell (in my mind) is that he's decided to off and go to Japan, with or without you, whereas you are going to Japan to follow him. It seems like you both have different priorities; he's yours, but you're not his. Yes, I know the favourite chant here is 'aspie men are different... he loves you in his own way... you'll just have to explain all the time and be happy....', but from your post, that doesn't sound like what you want in a relationship, and I don't really blame you.

You don't sound like a control freak at all. Your post is very intelligent and shows compassion. However, imagine if it were a friend of yours telling you about all this; what would your advice be to her? How do you think your friends or family would react if you showed them this post or explained even some of what happened here?

I feel sick to my stomach at the idea of you moving to Japan with a guy who's just assaulted you, whatever his excuse, and this post has been bothering me all afternoon. Ultimately, it's your choice though and we're not going to sway you one way or the other. Please remember that you can always move back or change your mind about going abroad in the first place!

Lene

Thank you all for your extremely informative and intelligent comments. To begin with, I was feeling a sense of guilt for blaming certain things on his AS – but reading all your responses have made me feel justified and confirmed my original suspicions.

Before reading all your responses (and because I have read AS websites) I chose to take a direct approach and e-mail him. I chose this way so I could articulate myself better and think about what I was saying in as simple and direct a way as possible. I took the approach of explaining why his lack of contact when we’re apart makes me feel he’s ‘not that into me’, as from past relationships knowing when someone is simply ‘not interested’ are usually read from signs like that. I went on to explain it is perhaps a woman thing, just needing a little reassurance here and there – boiling it down to how I was feeling confused about his feelings towards me so I asked him directly what they were – as Japan is coming up in March, these are things I need to establish now before he goes. I explained that if some guy I had only known a few months and had been dating was treating me this way – I’d have gotten the wrong impression and perhaps left him by now. But, as I’ve been friends with him so long I have chosen to simply ask instead – and as I know about his condition I do realise we ‘think’ differently...A willingness to learn and compromise on how the other thinks and feels is something I suggested I’m willing to work on with him....But he should also be too. It’s the only way a relationship can work. I was very direct with the entire e-mail, and the tone was kind. I explained this is new to me too – so we’re both in an equal position to learn from one another.

I also addressed the sex issue and explained (not in too many details) that it had reminded me of an abusive experience, and he hadn’t listened to me when I told him he was hurting me. I briefly explained how different sex for women can be (it’s more emotional – the act of penetration can be considered ‘invasive’) and I have a need for more kisses and cuddles to really make me feel safe and secure. I said from what I had read (as I didn’t want to make assumptions about him) that too much touching and sensation is uncomfortable for him – whereas it’s the opposite for me. Another reason why communication is key – I want to learn about what makes him happy, and an awareness of the effects he has on me is something I’d like him to know – hence me telling him in the e-mail.

Basically I finished the e-mail saying I’d chosen to communicate with him this way so he would have time to digest what I have said, and then when we next meet (at the weekend) we can talk openly and honestly to one another, learn how to understand one another. I’m not perceiving him as ‘different’ – I’m perceiving is as the fact we just view things differently, and neither one of us is right or wrong, but we have to learn how to communicate with one another and not cause unintentional pain (as he now knows he cause me). The first important point was to see if he really does have strong feelings for me (I can only suspect he does at this point as he’s never told me). And if he does, and he’s willing to learn more about himself and me, and we learn how to communicate directly – then we have something we can work on and grow together.

Anyway – that’s the gist. The whole e-mail itself was far more well worded. I sent that off to him last night before getting any of your responses – but I still feel it was the right things to do. Gives him a few days to take it in before we meet.

DW a Mom: I think your advice is extremely useful – and I can see us having a similar kind of relationship once we learn to talk to each other more (my e-mail was the first step at this). I don’t expect him to be a mind reader – it’s how he chooses to react to what I’ve told him now which is important.

Hopegrows: Your approach is the one I am choosing to take. I actually gave him a book about how to satisfy a woman, explained everything from a more psychological viewpoint and I even learned a lot about myself from reading it! I’m sorry to hear you had a similar bad experience – I was a little shaken up but it made me realise it’s something I need to talk with him about now and something he shouldn’t get away with (I’ve let a lot slide when I think about it – that was just the worst). He does try when I tell him to do certain things – he just soon gets bored and reverts back to his routine. I figure talking to him about stuff like that not during it would help – and looking over the book I gave him together too...Perhaps even highlighting parts for him

Visagrunt: He’s actually told me he hates texting, and he seems to use his phone to chat to friends and family casually often enough (but usually with friends again it’s if they’re planning to meet). He’s VERY talkative, I’ve called him a couple of times and he’ll happily talk away for 30 mins. I guess for him, calling needs a reason? I just think if we’re going to have a long-distance relationship for 6 months it’s all we’ll have during that time, so something we’ll need to work on before he goes. And you’re right, I am open to improving things with him, I’m open to working with him. I don’t want to just abandon him because it’s a new challenge – as long as he’s willing too I think we’ll be fine. Thanks 

Lene: I understand your concerns about the sexual assault – and I was concerned too afterwards. I’ve chosen to tell him directly in the e-mail and it’s certainly something I’m not going to tolerate again now he is aware. You’re right with regards to things being seemingly one sided atm – but also he wasn’t aware that there really was a problem before. It’s how things are now I’ve actually told him that we’re not actually ok, and whether he chooses to work together with and communicate with me now that will be the deciding factor as to whether I stay or go. Now the cat’s out of the bag and I’m pretty sure he’ll feel bad when he reads my e-mail, and he’ll try to work on it with me. I’d be pretty surprised if he doesn’t.
Equally, the Japan arrangement does worry me too. He’s asked me to come because it is something I had considered doing in the past. We both live outside our own cultures now (I’ve been in South Korea 3.5 years, he has for 3 years) and we both like to travel and are ready for a change. As comfortable as I am here – all the friends I make come and go and nothing is secure. Like him, I have no real desire to return to my home country anytime soon, I feel very disconnected from the place. It’s something I would have done on my own eventually (I came to Korea alone) – but having someone to travel with and be with has been my dream for a long time. I’m a very independent woman and I do like living alone, so I have no desire to live with him in Japan – just close by. We live over 1 hour apart now so it isn’t easy to just meet for a couple of hours here and there. I’m seeing it as an adventure, one reason I’m choosing to go 6 months after him is to give it more time. He’s choosing to go in spring as that’s when there is better hiring. I’ll go at the end of summer as my friends here in SK will be leaving then too, and I have an MA that finishes in June. He’ll help me find jobs in country when I decide to come over – and let me mail my things over to him in the meantime...So we are helping one another on this arrangement. Whether I actually go will be something I'll decide at the time - I will trust my gut instinct! Thank for your concern.

Once again to everyone – thank you for all your responses! I feel I have learned a lot and I am ready to talk directly and honestly to him. I’m giving him time now to digest my honest, direct but friendly e-mail and I think we’ll both have a lot to talk about this weekend. Wish me luck and I’m sure I’ll be back! I’m going to tell him about this forum too as I think it would help him out also.

Have a great week everybody!

SB

Hope it works out. It seems like he's very lucky to have a partner with the patience and willingness to understand him and try to adapt things accordingly, and definitely owes you the same effort now that the problems have been spelled out for him.

Good luck, sweetie. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good plan. I'm sure you'll remember this, but just in case....good relationships require that everybody's needs are met: emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual, etc., and that requires hard work and communication on the part of each partner. It's wonderful that you're willing to mentor your bf - just remember that he's responsible for doing his share of the work. Take care.

Well he's responded to my e-mail and as kind as his response was - he's recently realised that he can't open up or be with anyone - and he chose to date me because he believes I am so right for him at that he would eventually open up...But he now knows it's something he needs to work on alone.

Well - didn't see THAT one coming!! !

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????? He's DUMPING you? That CAD!! ! Gah, give me his contact info, I want to give him what for! He really has no idea how great you would be for him. Taking the time to come here, agonizing over your decision, actually LISTENING to us! Jeez And after inviting you to Japan with him too!! !! !

Un~believable.

If you still want to try for this guy and you don't think he's 100% serious, give it a little bit of time. Maybe he's feeling unworthy of such a great gal or maybe he's just uncertain what to do. Oh man, I'm so sorry he did this.

Thanks your response V - yeah I have to admit I'm still in shock too!

His e-mail explains how he feels I'm so right for him and I'm someone he can trust his heart with - but he's concluded recently that he should be with me....Or alone. He feels he needs to be alone to figure himself and his issues out. He feels he can't open up to or talk to anyone about it. He wants to be alone.

He had asked me to go to Japan with him because he thought that way I would see a better side of him that he thinks he can't show me now because of his inability to open up.

I'm very sad and disappointed at his decision - I honestly think he may be running from himself.

I have also lost a great friend.

He thinks once he's worked through this we could be together in the future - but time is not on our side and we'll soon be in different countries.

I think I'm going to go back to my home country next year and pursue being a speech therapist.

I am honestly, really, truly shocked. I care so much about him....But if he's not even willing to try, that's his choice.

We're meeting up at the weekend to talk in person.

Try to hold on to your heart until the in-person, then. Email makes it easy to snap something off without much thinking things through and... as a whole... we with AS can potentially tend to be a bit immature at times, myself included. Maybe he will realize what he said and how he said what he said before the weekend even arrives.

Breathe deep. Try not to let the shock frazzle you, and try not to get too sad about this yet. I think I can safely speak for everyone in this thread when I say we support you and are sending good thoughts your way.

And digital [[[[[[[HUGZZZ]]]]]]]!

-- V

He has no idea I joined this forum or researched AS so much for him - too late now eh!?

Thank you - I agree with the no further communication until we meet in person and talk Saturday approach. I'm gonna meet with some girlie friends for the next couple of evenings and talk it all out. Really not something I expected from him - I'll be interested to see what happens on Saturday.

Thanks again!

Some of this can improve with clear, direct, communication about what you need. Some of this will just be a part (in my opinion). I do feel lonely and isolated at times. But - I also feel loved, and secure, and I feel a steadiness and dependability that I have never had with another guy. He isn't going anywhere and he loves me, and my kids very much. You can set your clock by him and his commitment to us.




I'll tell you a story. When M and I started dating, I was a single mom with a busy career. We had Wednesday night "date night". Then, as it progressed to a more intimate sexual relationship, I realized that I was lonely for him on Staurday, or Sunday, or sometimes thought of him mid week. I did not hear from him at all, nothing, until the next wednesday. I finally simply said to him "When I do not hear from you until the date night, it feels like a "booty call" to me which is uncomfortable." He "got" it (although he did bluntly state he thought it silly and didn't see the point) and approached it in his typical way, getting out a small notebook and asking me when during the week would be appropriate for a second phone call to schedule. I was (obviously) looking for spontaneity but I can tell you: that will NOT happen. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Recently I shared this memory with M, and he cringed at how "oblivious" he was back then, and we both laughed. I cringed at the ridiculous thought I had (back then) maybe he was dating someone else. Now I realize how silly that was. He was just absorbed in his own projects and such.



Honestly - we speak about culture. I will literally say "Culturally, to me, this feels like X. I understand you may not intend it, but when you do this, in my culture, it has a powerful meaning."


Well in my case, my Aspie is also a geek so he really loves more information and learning. He came fully prepared to approach the female of the species like an engineering project, and he's very good at it. But we do have some issues OUT of the bedroom. He would never spontaneously pat my bum, or tell me I'm hot in an outfit. He doesn't think that way and so I miss that feeling of being desired. THAT to me feels a lack of intimacy. When we're IN the bedroom, it works well. I would buy him some books - sounds like you started on this. I recommend "She Comes First" which is excellent. I'd approach it completely analytically and anatomically, without the emotional piece. I know this sounds strange, but if he gets the mechanics down, your emotional side will feel better. Caressing you, spending time with you, taking time, watching how your body responds - - all of these can be interesting and analytical on his side, and still meet your needs.


This is something else - not Aspergers. If he truly did force himself on you, that is rape and has nothing to do with Aspergers. I'm unclear by this reading what precisely happened.


My advice is to completely get over the 'difficult thing to talk' aspect 100% in every way. For one thing the "difficult to talk" for NTs comes from embarrassment of social cues, or social circumstances and your aspie could give one fig less about most of that. Let go and shed that feeling and approach everything like a mechanical puzzle to solve. Particularly the sex piece, you will make HUGE huge progress on that if you set aside the emotionally laden bit and present it to him on sheer mechanics.

Don't be hopeless. Some parts of loving an Aspie are more challening and lonely, and isolating. But some parts are really amazing - a whole wonderful and refreshing new world.

Good luck.