Make a move - don't wait before it's too late ! ! !

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When I was about 19 I went through a gothic phase. I dressed mostly in black and usually went out in goth or metal bars. I had the hots for a friend of a friend and quite to my surprise she was willing to be my date on New Year's Eve when we went out with a few friends. We stayed at one of our favorite bars until 11.30 am and then I suggested to leave and go to an old cemetary. We crawled over the fence and sat on a grave stone watching the fireworks as we were entering the new year. We went back at around 0.30 am and there she gave me some sort of a lapdance (the only time that EVER happened to me).

We went out one or two times afterwards but at no time did I make a move because I had quite a big crush on her and I lacked the self-confidence to assume she liked me in a similar way (in spite of the lap dance and cemetary visit). Eventually she told me she lost interest in me because I was too much of a "nice guy". It took me more than 8 years before it hit me that she probably wanted to make out at the grave yard and I screwed up by not making a move.

So what's my point? MAKE A DAMN MOVE BEFORE IT'S TO F****ING LATE ! ! !


Can you imagine I could have scored at a local cemetery at New Year's Eve with a woman who looks like the one below (it's a picture of Talena from the band Kittie and my date called herself "Talena" because of the resemblance) but messed up because I was too shy?!?! It's probably the best sex I never had....

Life is ironic, I was always so afraid to make a move for fear of making a fool of myself; but that happens anyway without trying and you find out you survive it .

A few personal issues I have:

1) What happens if I make a move and she (whoever "she" is) says no? I'd be the ultimate laughingstock the world over.

2) How am I supposed to make a move if I'm not even sure that I like her? It takes time and contact with the person in question to really learn the answer to that. I wish I could be like all these other guys who are able to know instantaneously whether or not I am attracted or not. (on the other hand, at least it keeps me from making stupid decisions on the spur of the moment). Left in that scenario you described, I probably wouldn't even have gotten to the point that she would be my date for new years eve...

If you want to avoid getting rejected, try to figure out ways to find out whether she's interested. You can do this by asking subtle questions (though that's quite difficult if you have AS) or you can to it by trying to read her body language. The latter is usually easier if you're physically close enough to her.

For example, with my last girlfriend I tried the following : I was sitting side by side with my date in the same sofa and slowly sat closer and closer to her every time I went to the bathroom, got a drink, etc. I noticed she was comfortable when we say thigh to thigh and shoulder to shoulder which is usually a very good sign (you do NOT continue moving closer if you notice her feeling uncomfortable). When I left to walk her to the train station she said she was a bit cold and I asked if she wanted me to put my hands around her which she agreed to. That's another good sign. I was still extremely nervous when I kissed her right before she left and that first kiss didn't really go as well as planned, but this was the beginning of a 5 months lasting relationship nevertheless.



Have you never had a crush on anyone? Have you never gotten horny or melancholic by just looking at a woman or thinking about her? The most common feelings when you're attracted to someone are being horny (sexual appetite) and being melancholic (for wanting her but not having her). You may also just really enjoy her company, but that can easily be confused with friendship.

I have a very similar story, but don't beat yourself up too hard. Most people mis-spend their youth. Try to spend your life as productively as possible. I sometimes get bogged down by the past, and feel a great yearning to be young and carefree as well.

Fair enough. I've heard this kind of advice a lot, but I'm at a complete loss as to how to implement it... Every time I try something like this, it just comes off as awkward...


Not anyone I haven't gotten to know, no. I might pass a woman and think she looks nice, but unless I know her, not 15 seconds after passing her, I will have forgotten entirely...

It's the only thing that worked for me, although in each case I'd already spent some time talking with the woman in question online and somehow that made it easier for me to get them to trust me. Unfortunately it's getting more and more difficult for me to meet women online.

If you don't know how to use the above technique I don't know how to help you. I'm still trying to find another way, but thusfar that's been without success.



But do you need a woman in your life, then?

You wouldn't. People get rejected all the time, don't make a big deal of it and no one else will.

That's basically it. People will only give your rejection as much fuss as you do. Whether you give it a lot or none at all is up to you.

That said, there are a lot of subtle ways to find and indicate interest. It takes a bit to learn them, but once you've figured it out it's not that bad.

I need the deep emotional connection that only a romantic relationship can provide, and I need the stability that only a family (as in marriage and children) can provide. Over the last 4 years, friends dropped off the radar left and right until I was left with nearly nothing. And my existing family is all older than me and I'll outlive all of them barring any unforseen tragedy. So I need all these things so that I'm not left completely alone in the future...

I'm not just talking about simple rejection. I'm talking about how I'm so creepy in my approach that people will notice. And more than one rejection, that will pretty much ruin my chances with anyone in the room. And all their friends. And anyone else they decide to tell...

for me, there were no moves to be made.

This sounds familiar. I have those same needs as well and I'm in a very similar situation.

Maybe you should try to settle with just a woman you can get along with. I wouldn't worry about whether or not you're attracted to her. If what you need is a woman to spend the rest of your life with and have kids with, focus on you and her getting along at least at the level of friends. As someone with AS, that's already quite hard to find.



Try some other ways to date women. Try dating sites. Try finding them in online communities. I'm far from the Cassanova I'd like to be but the more I practice the better I get at understanding women and figuring out how they want to be treated.

Carpe Diem

Go look it up on Google

If you see an opportunity then take it because if you don't then you're going to be thinking 'what if' for the rest of your life, and that's a terrible way to spend your days. If you see a bus at the stop then run for it, if you see an open door then walk through just to see what's on the other side. Everyone including aspies needs to take a chance now and again because if we don't then we'll just end up wasting our days.

My finest moment? A slow dance with a beautiful blonde at my gym. No, things didn't work out between us, but how many of you have spent ten minutes in the arms of a beautiful woman having a slow dance?

Carpe diem my friends, carpe diem.

Vanilla_Slice

Never ask a girl for her number or anything like that if she's in the company of other people. Apart from that, I don't see the big deal.

If Marilyn Manson can hook up with hot women... Creepy isn't a concern.

That's the easy part... I can get along with women just fine, and I've found that given enough time, I can become attracted to just about anyone. The hard part is finding a woman that is attracted to me... that's what is in short supply...

It's not getting to the dates, it's getting a woman interested in me for long enough...