Please advise !possible aspie guy told me not to contact him

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petitefille
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31 May 2010, 4:23 pm

I dont know where to start.
It has been going on like this for 6months. Ive just joined this website to ask you all for advice. please help me.
I am not sure if he is an aspie but I know he is not normal compared to most ppl I met, a bit like a robot very formal and he has a weird intonation sometimes when he says hello. He seemed to say something he already prepared and if I asked him further questions he usually got very embarassed and gave me innocent (but yes embarrasing) response.
He is my colleague. I found him cute and so we started having a casual chat whenever we ran into in a corridor at work. I found him that he was hanging around pretending getting a drink outside my department in the evening and thats where we usually had a chat.
There were a few misunderstanding between us and once I texted him that I misjudged him and called him rude and removed him from my facebook friend list which was quite immature at that time but the reason why I did is because he did not respond to my text ever. He blocked me on facebook on the day I removed him. Next day he came to work without shaving which is very unusual in fact first time I think.
and then he started avoiding me whenever he sees me at work. turning around, hiding, pretending he is having a coffee etc,
I found it ridiculous as we are now in our 30s professional etc
I tried to confront him and then he emailed me that I made him uncomfortable and awkward to know what to say to my questions or message so asked me not to contact him outside work or non-work related matter.
I was hurt and found it very offensive. We sometimes have to communicate via emails at work and I suggested try not to bump into each other as he found me uncomfortable so it was fine for a while.

Sometimes I still run into him then if I look into his eyes he does the same thing.I am the one who look away in the end. If I make a face expression he copies me exactly the same way I do?. Anyway last week we had to email each other for work related matter in the morning and a few hours later I found him walking pass my department and he saw me ( I was walking towards his direction ) then he tried to avoid me again? I am not intrested in talking to him anyway and he started doing this weird behaviour so I dont know what to do with this. He sort of realised that I caught him trying to avoid so he decided to pretend to take a coffee out of machine instead.

He is really cute (innocent) and I admit that I still have a feeling for him but I dont know if I can put up with his behaviour. I am not talking to him ( and am not going to talk to him for good as he askekd me not to) so I dont understand why he starts behaving offensively again.
Does he hate me that much ?
Can anyone please explain why he acts like this ? He is well educated (degree level) and professional. I really dont get why he is like that ? But in the email he is always very polite and says thanks a lot although sometimes I dont find it necessary to say thanks.

P.S A few weeks ago he came around to ask something that I had at that time. My colleage sitting behinds me told him I have it but he didnt look at me at all he awkwardly looked down at opposite direction I could see that even my colleague found it strange. So I had to pass the thing he wants to my colleague and my colleage passed it onto him although we were only a few inches away. and I caught him trying to look at me then turned his head really quickly when I saw him.
Is he going to act like this forever ?????



Last edited by petitefille on 31 May 2010, 4:53 pm, edited 7 times in total.

Lazenca_x
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31 May 2010, 4:32 pm

I have been in a situation in which someone asked me to break contact with them. I complied. I didn't have feelings for her though so it was easier. It isn't easy if you have feelings for the guy.



sinsboldly
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31 May 2010, 4:42 pm

Quote:
Does he hate that much ? Can anyone please explain why he acts like this ?


if he is an Aspie, he probably doesn't hate at all. If he is an Aspie he is confused by your behavior. You friend him, then un-friend him (for whatever reason) yet you both work together and have to maintain a professional relationship. Now you change your behavior again. You keep moving the goalposts in some sort of game you are playing and he doesn't even have the basic rules of the game you are in.

I would try to avoid you too, just to keep from having to cope with a NEW confusion in your behavior.



Kenjuudo
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31 May 2010, 4:44 pm

He probably has a crush on you, but is completely unable to talk to you in public because of fear of rejection. And you removing him from facebook was the ultimate anti-signal... You need to somehow catch him alone and talk to him without there being any chance of interruptions from anybody else. Good luck!


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HopeGrows
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31 May 2010, 4:50 pm

Yes, I've known Aspie men who very effectively "quit" a relationship as the result of having a kind of temper tantrum. When I've experienced it, it reminds me a lot of a kid "taking their ball and going home," so to speak. Speaking of only the men I've known who have behaved this way (certainly not every Aspie I've known), there is no rapprochement, no attempt at reconciliation, no indication of regret.

I can't explain it, beyond speculation: could be a combination of stress, immaturity, meltdown, frustration, embarrassment, attempt to avoid intimacy....whatever. The common thread I've found is that there's typically no warning, no attempt to discuss the problem at hand - just a massive, relationship evaporating explosion (that's quite effective at ending the relationship) - and the lack of regret.

Look, the only person who can explain his behavior is him - but he's asked you not to contact him. His request pretty effectively ends your quest to understand his behavior because you have to respect his request, or take the consequences professionally. It doesn't sound like its worth the professional risk to me. Its probably best to accept that his behavior is indeed, odd - and just ignore it. It will probably be difficult for a while (as are all work relationships that don't work out), but he'll eventually stop behaving oddly, and/or you'll eventually stop caring.


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HopeGrows
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31 May 2010, 4:54 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
if he is an Aspie, he probably doesn't hate at all.


Aspies don't hate? I'm going to keep that filed next to "Aspies don't lie" and "Aspies don't cheat" - cause in my experience, there's nothing about being Aspie that eliminates those behaviors.


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zen_mistress
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31 May 2010, 4:56 pm

it is very hurtful to be deleted from someones facebook. He was probably very upset, and doesnt want to be rejected again.


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mgran
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31 May 2010, 5:02 pm

This is easy. If someone asks not to be contacted, regardless of whether they are NT or Aspie... just don't contact them. Any contact after being asked not to is all about you, not about them. If they want you to stop, then stop.



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31 May 2010, 5:05 pm

I was deleted from a friend's Myspace, and eventually she cut contact, even blocking me from IM and not answering my e-mails. She didn't even give an explanation, and this was just a friend. I became concerned and asked a friend to e-mail her, and instead of treating me like a concerned friend, she treated me like I was a crazy psycho stalker.

She was the only friend I could talk to about my interests, without becoming a hippie or a hipster.


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petitefille
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31 May 2010, 5:14 pm

Thanks all for your advice.
I am wondering why he acts like that ? and how long is he going to be like that ? (assuming he is an aspie is it be possible for him to act like this forever? ) I removed him from facebook in January.( 5 months ago!)
As I mentioned already I am not interested in talking to him anymore and will not contact him.

He does not have to walk pass my department to go anywhere but he does.
When replying to his request I politely asked me not to walk pass my department or use coffee machine. He has his own outside his department. and I promised I wont walk pass his either.
After a few months I started walking pass his department so he started walking pass my departement too. If I see him I treated him invisiable or turned my head down.

It is not fair that he acts offensively towards me especially where he will see me outside my department. If he does not want to see me , simply he should not come near where I work unless he has work related matter.
I was so upset that I could not sleep properly for last two days.



Last edited by petitefille on 31 May 2010, 5:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.

poppyx
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31 May 2010, 5:35 pm

"Yes, he might act like that forever."

However, if it makes you feel any better, there is regret. (The aspie I know says he has regret over things like that a year later or so.)

He'll just never tell you there is regret.

At least you can have your schaudenfreud.



HopeGrows
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31 May 2010, 5:47 pm

petitefille wrote:
I promised I wont walk pass his either. After a few months I started to walk pass his department so he started walking pass my departement too. If I see him I treated him invisiable or turned my head down.

It is not fair that he acts offensively towards me especially where he will see me outside my department.


OP, you promised to stay away from his department, and then you went back on your word. How is that fair to him? You haven't really described any behavior that is offensive, just odd. Look, these are the consequences of getting involved with a co-worker - you have to keep dealing with them when you no longer like them. You're going to have to be the bigger person here and ignore his odd behavior.


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Mosaicofminds
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31 May 2010, 5:47 pm

He's certainly behaving in an immature, unprofessional way.

However, I think most people would take being deleted on facebook as a snub, especially by someone they had a crush on. If he is as socially awkward as he sounds, not only was he shocked, hurt, and angry, but he was probably racking his brains for a while trying to figure out what he could've done wrong. Generally, when people are snubbed for no reason they can understand, and they can't figure out something they did wrong, they get angry at the person who rejected them. I don't think these feelings are unique to people with AS, although an emotionally-intelligent NT would probably express these feelings differently than your colleague.

Also, why would you tell him you don't want him to walk by your office and you won't walk by his...and then later walk by his office? That makes no sense, and might make him question your motives or wonder whether you could be trusted, since after all you said one thing and then did another. No offense, but sinsboldly is spot on about moving the goalposts.



petitefille
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31 May 2010, 5:53 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
petitefille wrote:
I promised I wont walk pass his either. After a few months I started to walk pass his department so he started walking pass my departement too. If I see him I treated him invisiable or turned my head down.

It is not fair that he acts offensively towards me especially where he will see me outside my department.


OP, you promised to stay away from his department, and then you went back on your word. How is that fair to him? You haven't really described any behavior that is offensive, just odd. Look, these are the consequences of getting involved with a co-worker - you have to keep dealing with them when you no longer like them. You're going to have to be the bigger person here and ignore his odd behavior.


The reason I started walking pass his department is actually this is where the ladies is.. lol
I had to use long route for a few months or went downstairs which was not very comfortable with high heels at times. And I thought it would be okay to use the normal route after a while as we will grow out of it. It seemed okay until last week until he started behaving oddly again and after an hour later he sent me thank you email (work-related but not necessary) as well ! !! Isnt it weird ?
I am just trying to understand him otherwise I will end up hating him for good.


and yes regarding facebook, it's totally my responsibility and I know how it would make anyone feel like. I apologised to him in email too. oh actually I dont know when he created it but I found him registered with fake name (probably one of the most common English name )on facebook as well. I wonder if he created it to check my profile sometimes..



Last edited by petitefille on 31 May 2010, 6:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

sinsboldly
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31 May 2010, 6:01 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
I can't explain it, beyond speculation: could be a combination of stress, immaturity, meltdown, frustration, embarrassment, attempt to avoid intimacy....whatever. The common thread I've found is that there's typically no warning, no attempt to discuss the problem at hand - just a massive, relationship evaporating explosion (that's quite effective at ending the relationship) - and the lack of regret.

.


my gawd, HopeGrows! this exact behavior in women get them labeled Borderline Personality Disorder! It is seen as 'the silent treatment' and seen as an attempt to 'manipulate' others socially. Personally I see it as a simple 'no means no'.

Merle