On Desperation and My Love Life

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Not what you think. I am a girl and I had no problems with being single and alone with high school. With all the crap going on with me and my life it was to be expected until I met my first boyfriend...

...but the relationship was hell. He seemed emotionally unstable and would threaten to kill himself at the very possibility of us not being together. He biggest fear was dying alone and he was desperate to lose his virginity even though his mom was a hardcore fundamentalist Christian.

My next relationship was with a guy who I met in college 3rd year. It was a relationship to me but he kept telling me not to call it that even though we had already got to the point of declaring our love for each other. I was a stupid idiot who failed to grasp that he hadn't gotten over his ex-girlfriend and he ended up being the one dumping me to go back to her. That didn't last though. Through the course of college and after there have been guys who were interested in me but I started noticing a disturbing trend or common motive...

You see all of the guys in my love life were desperate. They were either in a really bad place and felt that they needed to get a girl who crossed their fancy right away or they needed a distraction to get over a recent breakup.

I say this because I feel what I've been through is rather insulting. People say it's good to have love and lost than never to have been loved at all but what most of these guys felt for me wasn't love at all...it was desperation. I'd rather still be single and a virgin at this point than have my whole love life be about filling someone's mental instability...or a void left by someone's ex. I feel there are alot of guys I can't trust now and now I vow to be extra cautious of any guys who become interested in me because I have no clue where they're at or why they're really asking me out.

My advice to guys on here is to think about your motives before pursuing your next relationship. There's a huge difference between wanting to be with someone and being desperate. I say this because your motives can affect the girls you date and can even hurt them in the end. If you just got had a breakup or whatnot, take a breather. Don't jump back into the dating game so soon no matter how desperate you are. It will be healthier for you to take time off instead of losing yourself or hurting other people with a blind desperate incentive.

Just me talking here. Feel free to add your thoughts.

That's good advice but one thing that occurred to me is that it takes two to tango.

raisedbyignorance, I am sure you have heard stories about women who go from one abusive man to another, or one drunk to another.

Perhaps your heart goes out to "needy" men. You want to mother them and help them.

Men can fall into the same trap. A man sees a "little sad lost waif" type and longs to put his manly arms around her and say "There, there. I will make it all right"

But he can't because she is basically neurotic and crazy as a bed bug.

i think raisedbyignorance has good points to her experiences. in hindsight of my past relationships, i can see now where i was really still hurting over a long-term/serious relationship of mine and where i was in an immature, insecure, unsure state of mind and life. but at the time, would i ever admit or realize that? more than likely, no. and it is not like i was intentionally trying to lead these women on for my own selfish reasons. my intentions, my honesty and trust were always there in the relationship but other things/demands/circumstances just happen to get in the way of getting to any serious long term relationships. and i believe everyone goes through their own immature, insecure, unsure crazy act in the dating world. but its what you learn after that person is long and gone, that helps you and guides you to the next person. whether that person is the one cannot be seen or thought of in any true factor. love just sort of happens like that imo. however, the neediness of a person in a relationship can definitely takes it toll and take the fun out of it rather quickly. relationships are not supposed to be a 100% dependence on another person, more like 50%. yet, it does take two to tango, so while you may be hurt or upset by the crappy endings to your relationship, if you feel you have learned and grown from those experiences, then you are better for it. you may not realize it or care to realize it now. but if your heart and mind remain open to love, then love will surely find itself at your door oneday. and not to be cynical, but desperation can also just be another word for the fwb craze these days. but i may be going off point now.

personally, im glad i didnt get married before age 25 before i was truly living an independent/single life, i think it helped me in the long run. Not to sow my wild oats as they say, but just to experience and maintain my life responsibly, honestly, and positively. but to each their own.

and not to be thread hitch hiker, but i read this article tonight from yahoo. while i usually stay away from the generic, broad, shallow based dating advice articles from such "experts", i found this one to be truly profound and worthwhile to read. the article gives the seven characteristics of lasting love. comments?

1. Physical appearance
While physical appearance and attraction draw two people together at first, these aspects will affect the rest of their lives. If working out and staying fit is important to you, will it bum you out if your mate doesn’t share your quest for rock-hard abs?


2. Emotional maturity
Is this person emotionally mature and centered or still lugging around some trunk-sized baggage? How does your sweetheart relate to family and friends? Is he or she emotionally supportive or have control issues? Is your mate aware of his or her own issues and interested in addressing them?

3. Lifestyle choices
This includes career and social lives, common interests, leisure time activities and energy levels. Would she rather join the bowling league or the metropolitan symphony? Does he have lots of energy for activities with friends while she’d rather rest and chill out at home?

4. Financial compatibility
This is a hot bed for most couples. It includes income levels, savings goals and views on handling money. How do you each want to spend, save and invest? Is one person a spender while the other saves? Is one person financially responsible while the other plays catch-up with child support and bills?

5. Value structure
This area is often overlooked but has a tremendous impact on your life. It includes the big values: honesty, integrity, loyalty, views on family and children, religion and spirituality, life goals and the treatment and care for others. Does your mate follow through on promises made? Would you say this person is trustworthy? Will you always be there for each other in a pinch?

6. Marriage and intimacy
Everyone does not share the same idea of marriage. The big questions to address are: What do you and your mate expect from marriage? Is he or she looking for a soul mate? Do you both want close intimacy beyond the physical aspect, including with your friendships and in private communications with each other?

7. Intelligence
Having similar education levels increases your chances of sharing matching school and social experiences, intellectual interests and career goals. What topics do you and your honey like to talk about? Conversation limited to sports or shopping may get boring to someone who likes to ponder philosophy and bluster about business.