Why do they marry them?

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I'm a bit perplexed by the number of women who come on here proclaiming they think their husbands might have AS, citing some type of emotional disconnect they seem to have with their husbands, and list a long number of traits their husbands have which they seem to have a problem with.

If their husbands are unable to fulfill them emotionally, and they have so many problems with them, then why did they marry them in the first place.

Presuming the husband actually has AS, then these issues would have either been present from the beginning, or would certainly have shown up before the wedding, provided the two have known each other for more than a few months.

If I met a man who I could not form a mutual emotional connection with, and with who's personality I had a long list of issues with that I could not ignore, I wouldn't marry them.

I have wondered this myself.

hehe.. i know and i agree with what you mean.. maybe its just that part of their relationship that we know with them being on this site. and there are good things that they have not let us know as to why they had wanted such bonds with them.. and as i observed and like myself we are here to maybe find answers and better understanding to make things all better, at least for peace of mind. but yeah, some are just ridiculous; i take it as that they are acting upon their feelings more than their thoughts or logic, and it reflects in a way that is not so appealing about someone in a relationship with someone in the spectrum or at least a certain kind of personality.

Good observation.

And often those husbands are not officially diagnosed , not even aware of this syndrome, only their wives think they're aspies.

Those wives are usually trying to find an excuse to dump their husbands without the feeling of guilt , and AS is that perfect excuse.

"Oh he has an inborn syndrome, that's why he's jerk, this cannot be healed , it's not my fault, it's not his fault either, but me and him are genetically and mentally incompatible so I am gonna dump him ".

Doesn't make much sense, but they might find it easier than admitting how jerk their husbands are.

and most of those wives nag about issues in their husbands which are not really related to AS.

There's even a whole site dedicated for this movement of wives.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 26 Feb 2011, 12:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

thats actually true boo and i dont kinda like that they do that..

Because thinking someone has Asperger's doesn't always mean you don't like them?

I think guys with asperger's can be temporarily energised by and interested enough in a romantic prospect enough to spend time and energy attending to and meeting a woman's emotional needs in the beginning of a relationship. Then they tend to slow down after a while, and then these women wonder what happened to that guy, now they have this semi socially functional guy who spends so much time alone doing odd things.

It's a puzzling phenomena that is not exclusive to AS-NT relationships. Without much genetic help, our culture produces plenty of emotionally crippled men who are not equipped for a deep relationship, much less a marriage. But hopeful women too often use marriage to try to rehabilitate these man-children only to fail, and then they post here. I've always found it baffling and saddening, especially when these failed marriages produce children that have to put up with their parent's crap.

No need to wonder. A LOT of "hurt" NT women latch on to a man who has no social life because the fear of infidelity is gone. There's less to tempt him. Most women want loyalty before anything else. First they find a LOYAL partner and then they marry him. After marriage comes the idea -yes, he's mine all mine so now I can socialize without fear of losing him. But this man doesn't want to socialize and the wife gets distressed and says to herself, "I thought he ignored all others because he adored "me". Actually, he would have ignored all others anyway because he's not social. They go around thinking that the aspie guy was being a certain way just for them when actually he was just being the way he always is - not social. NT guys do this to aspie women too. It goes both ways. People always try to make things more than they are. Did you ever hear people say, "There was such CHEMISTRY between us!" What chemistry? Ass chemistry? It was simply he liked me and I liked him.
Social groups of guys are attracted to social groups of girls. When there's too many people, s**t happens - infidelities, gossip, betrayals, etc... These things will kick a person down to where when they meet a "solitary", they want love with this person...but they want this imaginary love that comes from their own minds. They don't see the real, actual person. They just see a "rescuer". The "I'm in love with my rescuer eventually wears off". It's not enough to hold a relationship together. That's why people say that if you get divorced, she shouldn't marry again right away. Also, that you shouldn't date if you're rebounding from a failed relationship.

I've heard from NT female relatives about 'training', meaning that the woman can make a man change through a complex game of withholding sex, passive agressive verbal and nonverbal and other idiotic stuff to make a guy change their personality. I felt like saying at the time to them 'Do you realise the guy won't have a clue about this and will just know something's up?' but these were women in their forties who have a tendency to lecture me for disagreeing with them.

I know that may be just these relatives (who were long married so this idiotic process may work on NT guys) but if this is a usual regular thing that some NT women have it's really clear that someone on the Autistic Spectrum wouldn't get what was going on until a time after the relationship was over.

Honesty works best, telling the other person about your needs is best instead of expecting them to know based on silly stuff like the complex game mentioned.

There is also an idea I have that some people have that I call the "Happily ever after myth". Where a woman thinks that if they get married to their partner, they think that everything will be perfect because they get married and stop putting effort into maintaining the relationship.

I think your rite. Lots of NTs marry other NTs as well only to end things a while latter because of issues that they should of thought about & analyzed before but didn't. People love playing the blame game when a relationship ends(BTW the Blame Game was a show on MTV years ago that came on after Singled Out) People won't to blame others because they do not want to have to admit fault or take any responsibility. Blaming AS issues for the problems could make the guy look worse in divorce court to.


I'm not surprised. There's references to that training in stand up comedy & some songs

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtPvYVmk1WQ[/youtube]

Guys like me have a hard enough time finding women that will give us the time of day as it is. We don't need someone to go around questioning the few women that actually are interested.

Perhaps because its not until they are living together 24/7 for some time that AS traits become really noticeable?


...and there's also women who love men who beat them/treat them like crap so its probably not far fetched there's an emotional version of them.

There's been a lot of them here recently. I've stopped replying because I kept getting concussion.

I don't think it's a case of them looking for an excuse to leave; most are adamant that their husbands/bf's are caring, wonderful people and I think they actually believe it,

(rest deleted. it's based purely on supposition and as someone later said, it's impossible to really know why without being the person involved)

Last edited by Lene on 27 Feb 2011, 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I say it's because a lot of women, whether by conditioning or whatever, are desperate to marry. I known quite a few of them. Their aspiration is to marry, crap out kids and fulfill a life of blissful domesticity. Quite pathetic really.

why is that pathetic?
just because you don't want to 'crap out kids' doesn't mean it's a bad thing.