Talking with my husband about my "issues"

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My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years and together for 5, and it's the first and only relationship I have been in. I just recently came to the conclusion that I might have aspergers (or something). We don’t fight because when my husband gets upsets with me about something I just shut down and go mute, but we have been having some issues lately. For example: My husband went away for the weekend because he had a job interview on Monday down where his parents live and decided to take the weekend to look at a piece of property we want to by and to spend some time with his family. I stayed home because I had to work and we couldn’t afford for both of us to go. He asked me to clean the house while he was gone. So I did the dishes, cleaned the stove, and washed some laundry, plus I remembered to feed the chicken, dogs and cats. I was quite proud of myself because that was a lot for me to accomplish, but he was upset with me because I didn’t clean the cat room or finish folding the laundry and put it away.

At times me not keeping up on the house choirs is me just being lazy, but even when I make an attempt it seems to take me forever to do the simplest things. I will get distracted and just zone out for minutes on end before I shake myself out of it and get back to what I was doing. I also have a hard time figuring out what to do first, if my husband is helping me clean and directing me as to what to do when, I actually get stuff done in a somewhat timely manner. When I tell my husband I am trying he just tells me I need to try harder and that he is getting fed up with me.

I am afraid to bring up that this might be aspergers, because he will probably think it is just me making excuses. We are getting ready to move and the stress is just making things worse, I just shut down and curl up into a ball on my couch when he isn’t there and I just can’t make myself do anything because I feel like no matter what I do it’s not enough.

Any advice about bringing up my “issues” with my husband in a way that won’t have him dismissing it. I directed him to a site about aspergers and he agreed that I show all the signs, but he hasn't mentioned it sense. I'm not good with conversations and I don’t know how to talk with him about stuff like this.

I'm not sure what advice to give you about this so I'm going to ask some questions.

When you were going out first did you have the same difficulty organising things? Also, has he been getting progressively more upset about it?

One thing that I can see that could be contributing to issues is the fact that you go mute. Silence can be taken as agreement by some people and if he's a person who thinks no answer indicates they are correct, well, you can see how it might go.

Although, when he's upset with you, how does he act? because there are some ways of expressing anger that are unacceptable in relationships and trigger shutting down in some people.

You got a lot accomplished in a weekend. Good job!! !

When I came home with a diagnosis of Aspergers, my husband was so happy that I wouldn't be surprised if he'd climbed on the rooftop and shouted for all to hear that his wife is not lazy! He was so relieved. Even with a diagnosis in hand, I expected my husband to think it was just an excuse... some pathetic lame reasoning to explain why I couldn't have been doing as much as I should have been doing and trying to get out of doing stuff in the future. But, no. That was what I was doing to myself. My husband was very understanding.

Pre-diagnosis, you're still dealing with "I don't know" and "maybe". So, I'd avoid saying anything right now. To avoid skepticism, I'd keep your suspicions quiet and go to your doctor. Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (a clinic with a psychologist and nurse practitioner would do just as well if that's what's available) based on lethargy, lack of focus and anxiety. When you go, don't mention Aspergers by name. Just go through how you feel and why, how long things have been like this for you, and the kind of repercussions and frustrations you're experiencing. Cover everything... if you have trouble sleeping, if you end up remembering and getting upset about things that happened YEARS ago and no longer matter, if you clean out forget to do simple things and then people get mad at you because you honestly forgot something, if you forget people's names immediately after learning them, etc etc etc etc. If it helps, write down a list of behaviors and things you want to address so you don't forget.

If there's someone in your family who acts like you do, mention it. Think of someone anti-social, eccentric or slobby that the family talks about. It's possible that relative is none of those things and is just an undiagnosed aspie. AS can be genetic. My son has it. I have it. It's very likely my dad was an aspie.

Your anxiety will be addressed immediately and they might say you have ADD. It's okay if they do. You can have AS and ADD at the same time. Just don't accept a stimulant because it will intensify your problems instead of resolve them. They'll probably prescribe Wellbutrin XL. It's the new thing. It takes 10-15 days to work, if it's going to work, and there's some dosage fiddling they can do if it doesn't work in the first month.

If you feel like you really need the AS diagnosis, then gently question the doctor. Ask things like, "Everybody says I act a lot like my uncle, who was actually high-functioning autistic but I've never been tested or anything. Do you think that is important to consider?" You can shift the direction down the right path. Just be careful not to make the doctor feel like you're forcing a diagnosis or he'll go the exact opposite direction. I don't know why, but they always do.

If you come home with a diagnosis, I think both you and your husband will have a greater understanding of what's going on in your head. It's empowering for you and reassuring for him. It takes both of you off the hook of thinking that you're not holding up your share. Then, he has the ability to see how much you have accomplished, instead of what is left to be done. And if you find a med that helps you focus and process, you'll be able to accomplish even more.

Yes, I have always had these issues, but I was only 18 when we met so I think that he thought I would grow out of it. When he gets upset his voice gets louder and more high pitched and he stairs me down, but he never yells (which is a relief, my parents were big yellers). I think it is just starting to get to him because he is working a lot more hours then he used to, so more of the house work is left to me.

wefunction: Thanks for the advice, I am going to call and set up an appointment with my Dr. so I can get referred to a psychiatrist. The remembering things that happened years ago then getting upset and the forgetting peoples name right after they tell me is definitely me.

I never thought diagnosis stopped you being those things, I thought it meant you now know the reason.

If he thinks that you'd grow out of it he may think you'd grow out of Aspergers because there are still some who view it as a childhood disorder rather than a lifelong difference.

Hope things get better for you soon.

I would like to point out, that if you were the man, and he were the women, your difficulty with the house chores would not be considered unusual by any means.