Greetings,
As a professional, happy and lucky Aspie in my 30s who's married with a daughter, I had to go through a rocky path where I only learned through "mechanical" trial-and-error rather than instincts and street-smarts that I could NOT rely upon.
So I'd like to impart some of my first-date wisdom to you, my fellow Aspies, and let me say that I applaud all your efforts, do not give up hope, you guys are great!! I made most of the mistakes below myself...and through "post mortem" chats with trusted friends, I built up a knowledge base that led to my success. Here goes...a few essential DO's and DON'Ts...and please add more to the list if you have any thoughts...I apologize if they are mostly male-oriented, but they stand to benefit the most from the tips:
DO hold the door open for her if you're a male; don't let her walk in front of you (this is one of the non-verbal norms, that, silly as it may seem, conveys a first impression that you lack confidence if you follow her and not vice-versa).
DO take control and tell the staff member where you'd like to sit; again, this conveys confidence & control.
DO offer to pay the bill when it comes. Even if she says "oh, you don't have to do that!" still say "no, no, it's no big deal, don't worry about it..." and if she insists a second time, be playful and say with a smirk "not this time, but next time dinner's on you, and we're going to a 4-star restaurant". This will usually remedy the situation.
DO ask to reschedule the date if you fall ill with a cold or flu, don't feel that you have to brave it - your date is likely to be put off that a) you are exposing them to sickness and b) it strikes of desperation that you compromised your health needs just to meet this person.
DON'T suggest going to an upscale or posh restaurant on your first date. In the NT dating world, this gesture is construed as a desperate need to impress someone. (This is especially a bad idea for those of us who have struggled with employment discrimination and mishaps, where our income is not at its most disposable!) Just stick to typical roadhouses, pubs, bar & grills etc.
DON'T order messy foods, such as wings, ribs, nachos, even spaghetti (if your fine motor skills are not the best for twirling). Stick to foods like: any type of meat with mashed potatoes (or fries) and veggies, or pizza, or burgers or sandwiches. I ordered wings twice on dates in my mid-20s, and realized the second time that it was a BAD idea.
DON'T eat too fast! Pause to breathe. I used to get criticized a lot on this one in my teen years and youth...curbed it later in my 20s.
DON'T remain silent throughout your mutual meal. I committed this faux-pas once w/o realizing it (in true Aspie style), and was "lucky" enough to get a rejection email from her where she gave me feedback that she found it weird that I didn't say a word during our dinner and she said that she got uncomfortable...which is weird for her because she never gets uncomfortable (she actually said that). OK, that offended me, but you know what? it taught me a lesson NOT to do that again!! ! SO - the point is, talk/eat 50/50 during dinner, but always with your mouth cleared. Chew, swallow, speak, repeat...and while you're chewing, listen to her response. There is a grey area, but in my Aspie black-white thinking, I thought I had to either be speaking at all times, or eating at all times...no, wrong, wrong, wrong I was!! !
I don't agree with the unwritten male role of the dinner date, but I've had to abide by it to make strides; it certainly was frustrating at times! And, unfortunately, one overarching rule (again if you're a guy) is that you can't ask your date "is it bothering you if [insert one of the DON'T scenarios]?" The answer is guaranteed to be a shallow "no" but she really means yes and it's unlikely you'll get a second date.
11 Oct 2011, 7:33 pm
