Aspie relationship needs help

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baka-kun
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12 Jan 2012, 1:50 pm

We're both aspie weve been dating sence the beginning of november and we were just starting to get seriou-ish, when she withdraws, tells me shed feeling a new emotion. Now she says she just wants a friend and maybe a lover. Was she just yrying to enf it or if shes just withdrawing



Dunnyveg
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12 Jan 2012, 1:56 pm

baka-kun wrote:
We're both aspie weve been dating sence the beginning of november and we were just starting to get seriou-ish, when she withdraws, tells me shed feeling a new emotion. Now she says she just wants a friend and maybe a lover. Was she just yrying to enf it or if shes just withdrawing


I think you're asking for heartache when two aspies enter a relationship. I'm aware that Political Correctness had taught us to see men and women as equal. This is wrong, as equal means sameness. Men and women aren't only different, but incommensurable. The good thing is these differences can be complimentary.

The potential problem with two aspies in a relationship is that they don't compliment one another as much as they mirror one another. Both tend to have the same strengths and weaknesses, primarily an inability to deal well with society.



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12 Jan 2012, 2:14 pm

I think two Aspies can be a good match because their needs are similar--an issue with an NT/Aspie couple is that the NT doesn't get enough social interaction, while the Aspie gets too much. It can be very difficult to find a happy medium, as we can only handle so much social interaction before we get tired and irritable.

But, it can certainly be hard, as we don't have as much experience with relationships as NTs--so we have to expect a lot of uncertainty and puzzling moments--actually--this is to be expected anytime you have an Aspie in a serious social relationship.



baka-kun
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12 Jan 2012, 2:19 pm

Im aware thats the case but you havent answeted the question here



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12 Jan 2012, 2:19 pm

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)


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12 Jan 2012, 2:43 pm

no one else will know what she means, you will have to ask her to clarify it for you.



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12 Jan 2012, 2:55 pm

Dunnyveg wrote:
baka-kun wrote:
We're both aspie weve been dating sence the beginning of november and we were just starting to get seriou-ish, when she withdraws, tells me shed feeling a new emotion. Now she says she just wants a friend and maybe a lover. Was she just yrying to enf it or if shes just withdrawing


I think you're asking for heartache when two aspies enter a relationship. I'm aware that Political Correctness had taught us to see men and women as equal. This is wrong, as equal means sameness. Men and women aren't only different, but incommensurable. The good thing is these differences can be complimentary.

The potential problem with two aspies in a relationship is that they don't compliment one another as much as they mirror one another. Both tend to have the same strengths and weaknesses, primarily an inability to deal well with society.

It's not about political correctness, though. Most people if they're being honest with themselves will recognize that men and women are distinctly different. At issue is whether men and women deserve equal treatment when it comes to jobs/careers and rights as citizens. What really angers people is when you start making assertions as to proper gender roles of males vs. females. It's like this crude joke I heard:

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Cross the road??? I told that b!tch to stay in the kitchen!
Q: Why did the woman have two black eyes?
A: Cuz I dun told that b!tch TWICE!! !


It's a horrible attitude to take, and sadly that's the way men have often seen women in western society.

But I do agree that the tendencies of men and women to take certain roles makes them different. I disagree that it makes them unequal. It just means that one partner is better in certain areas than the other, and together they make a cohesive pair capable of working well together in achieving mutual goals.

I dunno where you stand when it comes to Biblical wisdom, but in Genesis it does point out that Eve was taken from Adam's side. Rather than dominate Adam or be dominated by Adam, the lesson is that men and women pull together in their relationships. That the Bible story predicts that men will tend to dominate women merely speaks to the evils of human nature and how that will play out in society, but by no means indicates that this was ever the desired plan for the differences in the sexes.



baka-kun
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12 Jan 2012, 3:15 pm

what the hell are you talking about? This thread isnt about political correctness gender eguality or gender rolls try to stay on topic at least for a couple pages



cinbad
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12 Jan 2012, 4:05 pm

baka-kun wrote:
We're both aspie weve been dating sence the beginning of november and we were just starting to get seriou-ish, when she withdraws, tells me shed feeling a new emotion. Now she says she just wants a friend and maybe a lover. Was she just yrying to enf it or if shes just withdrawing


baka-kun Relationships are based on who you are when you are with another person. Whether you are both aspie, one aspie and an NT, or a germophobe and a messy person. Just as every aspie is different, so is everybody else. We all have some quirks. When we meet someone, it is all timing and chemistry. It is the mix of those quirks that either work well together or it doesn't.

Her withdrawal could be from a number of factors. Of which, she may not even be aware. My advice to you (from a woman who has done this recently), is to not let her know how much this upsets you. If she needs to think it will only push her away. Let her know you care, get in touch every few days and are just go about your business. This will give her the space she needs and let her see you are a stable person she can count on.

The thing I have found with the new types of relationships is that it is spelled out. Dating, Friends with benefits, significant others, or anything in between. it all means the same thing. Two people who care about each other having sex. So she is not exactly withdrawing when she says, "she just wants a friend and maybe a lover". Love is a very frightening prospect to some people (like myself). It means that you are putting your heart into something that may and probably will, hurt. She should think carefully, as should you. Because when it does work out, it still hurts. But when it doesn't, it reaaaally hurts and takes a lot of time to get over.

Bob Marley has the greatest quote I have ever heard on this "Everyone you love is going to hurt you, you just have to choose the ones worth suffering for". Trust that you have shown her that you are worth it. But don't forget to take this time to think about it as well.


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12 Jan 2012, 5:36 pm

When feelings get strong it can be scary because you know you can get hurt. You want to make sure the other person is sincere too. Sometimes it takes time to allow oneself to feel more.



baka-kun
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12 Jan 2012, 5:49 pm

Well I say shrs withdrawn because she talks just enough that ill reply anymore



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12 Jan 2012, 6:51 pm

cinbad wrote:
Her withdrawal could be from a number of factors. Of which, she may not even be aware. My advice to you (from a woman who has done this recently), is to not let her know how much this upsets you. If she needs to think it will only push her away. Let her know you care, get in touch every few days and are just go about your business. This will give her the space she needs and let her see you are a stable person she can count on.

I gave my former Aspie girlfriend space when she withdrew & she decided to break up with me after I gave her space for a week.
I think you should try to talk to her about things now OP


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baka-kun
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12 Jan 2012, 7:36 pm

Well I think what im gonna do is give her space but give hrr a reminder that im here and care about her, maybe a daily goodmorning an occasional hope u have a good day or how was your day