I think I lost my girlfriend because of my AS...

Post Reply New Topic

Hi...the name is Kiana, I'm 28, a lesbian and a diagnosed Aspie.

About 3-4 months ago my ex Sarah and I split up after being together for a year and a half. I think it was my fault. I got overly jealous with her and I wanted her to stay at home with me and not see other people, I couldn't understand why I wasn't enough for her when she was enough for me. It got obsessive, to a point where I would be passive aggressive enough for her to take a hint and not go out, because she knew I would be upset about it. I know I isolated her from everyone over time, her friends as well as her family.

But I didn't do it on purpose, I couldn't control myself. And I want to stop it, but I don't know how, I just know I have a problem. I've always been this way. I think it comes from a mix of fear of losing and my inability to control my feelings because of my autism. I am just so afraid of losing the one I love that I hold on too tight.

And it got worse. After we broke up she got together with another girl right away and it hurt so bad. I couldn't handle it. The emotions took over and I had no control. I got mad, really really mad. I made threats on their lives - of course I would never have done anything. I started stalking their blogs and stuff, sending evil texts and I eventually lost her completely, she never wants to see me again, I also lost another friend that I had known for almost 10 years. And although my temporary insanity eventually stopped I know it's not a normal reaction.

So I wanna know, is this an AS thing or am I just slightly crazy?

You have to realize that relationships aren't all about you and your feelings. They should be as much about the other person and their feelings and needs, as they are about you and your feelings and needs.

Kinda difficult when all sense go out my head in those situations! I can't stop myself. It's just a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger until it catches up with me and bury me under a thick layer of regret and hurt. It's like...I can see what's going on, but I am still unable to do anything about it.

I think the trust issues come from knowing that you really don't have a clue how nts think. They say one thing and do the opposite so often, i find it kinda understandable that aspies have trust issues with them. NTs are untrustworthy in general (by our standards) so don't be too hard on yourself, you've probably spent most of your life observing that people in general are selfish and out for themselves and i can understand how hard it is to purge from your mind.

The only thing i can say though, you know you have the problem and you're an aspie, im pretty sure this problem will be on your mind until you manage to figure it out for yourself if you're anything like me. I've had similar uncontrollable things with people before, like for example when my dad was living with me for a while about 8 years ago, i got so territorial towards him and was snappy with him and it totally annoyed me that i couldn't control myself. I was thinking about it for a while and now I'm 100% certain that i've totally solved that problem with myself, only pity is that i couldn't figure it out before i made an a***hole of myself. You're obviously learning from the whole experience, the fact you're here thinking it over tells me that at the very least.

I think you have a problem other than autism going on there. I can see how you may be a little nervous about abandonment due to autism, but I don't see why you would become that jealous or passive aggressive just from autism. You may have had a narcissistic attachment to your girlfriend like my ex who tried to kill me probably had with me. Honestly, I'm suprised that any person with autism would have the social skills to be passive aggressive. I think you need to see a psychologist about it so you can fix it so that you will be able to have healthy relationships in the future.

That being said, it was mean of the girl to get with someone else really quickly after breaking up with you. It still doesn't excuse your behavior, though, and I think you know it. I'm glad you're trying to fix it.

The jealousy and desire to control someone during a relationship isnt something Ive experienced so I can't say much about it.

As for the breakup, those things happen. Ive seen bad breakups and been in a few myself. People get crazy. You're only 28 years old, I wouldnt be too hard on yourself. Now you've been through that, obviously regret it, and will have more perspective next time. If you feel really badly about your behavior you could send a brief apology note at some point in the future.

I think you are just crazy and you have a jealousy issue. Some people have that problem and it makes them control freaks and not nice people. But at least you knowledge you have that problem and you should go and try and get it fixed. Seeing a therapist for one since you can't figure it out on your own how to control them and handle them.

I agree, it sounds like you behaved far too obsessively and clingy, that most likely pushed her away and ruined the bond that you shared. I know it can be difficult if you really like someone and you feel insecurities but you need to outlet them in a different way without directly telling your partner.

I don't think it was your AS that actually ruined the relationship, I think it was because you didn't share the mutual understanding of each other. You didn't realize her needs and she didn't realize yours, you clearly weren't meant for each other, maybe she just wasn't ready to settle down at this point.

I thank you for all of your perspectives on this matter, it has helped a lot. I will keep all of them in mind for the future.

It's a touching story albeit a sad one.

I think it's a mixture of both. Although the jealously may just be your personality trait, the Autistic side may have amplified this.

I get the green eyed monster on occasion...but I can understand the pain of her getting with someone straight away.

I think you may have handled it better if you went out with her sometimes and make friends alongside her when she meets people...hopefully she would have introduced you as her girlfriend.

The after-math sounds horrible, but I guess you could have handled it better but jealously does do that to you.

Maybe you could try and contact her to apologise and ask her why she did what she did and hopefully get a truthful answer....this way you can learn from your mistakes and try to talk to your next girlfriend about your issues with them going out alone and them interactive with other female (or male) friends.

It is sad that your scenario got worse as you did regrettable things but I would say to keep calm when you get jealous, ask your next girlfriend that you get insecure at times and ways to control it and hopefully she will be understanding of your worries and find a compromise.

I wish you the best and hope that you find another one to love.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I think it will prove to be an excellent teaching experience for you. I echo what others have said, you need to understand that relationships are, at most, 50% about you at any given time. (On average)

I have tried contacting her, she is not responding to any of my texts or calls. She doesn't care about me anymore. She said hurtful things to me too, that I was a skeleton and that she is glad she is now with a fat chick because the sex was so much better. Plus she hit me on occasion when she'd been drinking and flirted with anything that could walk, both male and female.

That's probably also why I got so jealous.

Thank you for your support.

I think you should NOT try to contact her. It will just reinforce her belief that you're crazy and open the door for more pain for both of you. Give her at least a year or two...then maybe you can try to contact her. Hopefully by then, you will have moved on. It will be hard, and I know from experience that this kind of thing is easier said than done, but I'm doing it! You can, too.

That one fact, that she got somebody else so quickly, justifies your rage at losing her.....I don't say you dealt with the anger and pain in the best way, but the feelings you got were perfectly normal and justifiable.

That one fact also makes me wonder whether the problem in the relationship was only down to your behaviour. If I lose a relationship, for whatever reason, I wouldn't dream of running straight into anybody else's arms. That's a stupid thing to do IMHO, it's called a rebound, it confuses the one who does it because of the sudden change in sexual partners, the new emotional bonding happens before the mind has had time to clear the previous occupant out of its system.....sex causes very strong bonding.

So I suspect that she isn't operating on a sexually mature level yet, and that she isn't ready to settle with anybody. You on the other hand seem to want a very strong commitment....personally I don't think people should live with partners unless there is a strong commitment, like a marriage, where (e.g.) opposite-sex friends are generally sidelined and subjected to rules preventing frequent contact and privacy, where the partners don't act so much like individuals, they do things as a couple, and they choose social environments that both of them feel comfy with. Bohemian standards might be possible for some, but I think the bonds are always more precarious as a result, and that anybody wanting a reliable relationship should think very carefully before getting involved with somebody who doesn't need that.

What I'm saying is that I don't think it's enough to just label yourself as having acted too possessive. You'll be regretting your jealous outbursts now that you've lost all hope of stopping her from sleeping with another, and probably resolving to try extra hard next time you find a partner, but I think you'll find that if you get into another mismatched situation like the one you've talked about here, your feelings will eventually come back as strong as ever.

IMHO there's nothing weird, possessive or wrong about wanting security in a relationship. Your anxiety and jealous rage were probably caused by very real things that she did. I'm not saying she did wrong exactly, because from her outlook she has no obligation to surrender her individuality to anybody unless she agreed to. I'm just saying that judged by the "high-commitment" norm you seem to need, I'll bet she crossed a few lines.

So I'd say the best thing might be to discuss attitudes to commitment with potential partners in future, and keep away from people who seem too "young" in their attitudes to it. You probably think you're so possessive that nobody would ever be able to cope with the restrictions you would want to place on them, but there are people out there who don't even want to party or get involved in any kind of scary extravert revelry. Some people have been sexually betrayed a lot in the past and feel so insecure themselves that they are willing to give up a lot of freedom for somebody who won't insist on taking those freedoms themselves. Find a possessive person, and you'll be able to empathise with each other and maybe help each other to gradually relax and trust again.

My current partner has said the most wildly possessive things about exes of mine who aren't much of a threat to her. Thing is, I'm "possessive" myself, and I don't want any other guys near her if there's the slightest whiff of danger to me, so although her outbursts are hard to endure, they also make me feel secure, because I know that I can easily remind her of her own vulnerability if I have to ask her to protect me in a similar way, and because I get the chance to demonstrate to her how a decent person responds sensitively to a jealous mate's plight. I don't know if I'd have been able to cope with a problem she gave me about jealousy, if I hadn't known that she herself was deeply scared of my exes.

I'm not saying you don't need to work on the extremes of your anxieties. Just that if the other partner doesn't see the need to be very patient and reassuring with jealousy and paranoia problems, you probably won't be able to solve them on their own.

I'd also study anger management if I were you. There are much better ways of getting people to help you in your hour of need than losing your temper and attacking them. I think the anger management issue is more worrying than the underlying jealousy. I can be uncommonly jealous myself, but I try to get results by raising my eyebrows rather than the roof. In the past I've railed at partners and made them feel really stifled, and they've ended up thinking the only problem is my abusiveness and jealousy, when if I'd just stayed firm but fair, they might have ended up agreeing with me.

I'm also not at all convinced that my uncommon jealousy is such a wrong way to be. Aspies often have a lot of trouble reading body language etc., so they can't easily judge whether a situation their partner wants to get into is sexually safe or not. If you're scared of going to a party, it means you don't trust the people there. If yur partner goes, they are going to a scary place and so you're bound to worry about them. To them it makes no sense because to them it's not scary at all......they need to try empathising with you, then they would understand. Most of my life I felt hurt, angry and scared if my partner did this or that, but I never knew quite what it was that I felt so bad about, and I never told people how I felt, I thought I was just being stupid, but I couldn't let go of a need to stop it happening, even if it meant controlling the partner. These days I've read about emotional infidelity and I can see how my partners were in fact crossing lines, and that I had every right to call them out for it. It was my Aspie mind-blindness and my insecurity about the validity of my needs that did the damage.

You acted insane and terrible. I dont think its related to autism. You should get help, therapy, because if you dont work on these issues of yours you will never be able to have a healthy relationship. Being extremely controlling and jealous is something you really can work on, and have to.
Btw isnt this how really abusive relationships start out, with controlling the other person like that? NOT saying you're abusive, just a thought. Its clearly not healthy. Since you realise that you're behavior is wrong, you have good chance at being able to correct it. Good luck!

Well...now she is actually trying to get in touch with me again, she has unblocked me everywhere, she is sending me requests on FB, she is following my blog. But I have reached a point where I don't want that. Kinda difficult though, since we live in the same city. Once the weather gets better, I am sure I will be running into her in the usual outdoor places....