Advice for a friend

Post Reply New Topic

Hello Everyone,

I have posted questions on this forum regarding AS/NT relationships in the past. This question is for a friend of mine. She is engaged to a man with AS, they are in a long distance relationship, she lives in the UK and he lives in the United States. Any way, I gave her my advice regarding her relationship but she would like some input from people on the spectrum. Below is something she asked for me to post for her when I suggested that she ask her questions/get input on WP. I will pass along any advice to her.

Thanks!

"I am engaged to a man who insists upon interacting with woman on the internet. He acts like he is single and makes mention that he cannot decide if he joined the website for friends or dating since nothing on the site has tickled his fancy. Since he is not currently wearing a wedding ring he feels that he is single, even though we are engaged to be married. He claims that he has never been in love or had a soul mate.

I am willing to move to a different continent to be with him. This means leaving a job that I like, all of my friends and family and my comfortable home. I have all ready completed the immigration paperwork and planned to move to be with him in a couple of months.

Yet, when he finds me to be stressful, he will not interact with me. But he will go to this website and interact with other women.

When I become upset with this behavior, he accuses me of invading his privacy and calls me names like “loony.”

My fiancé has Asperger’s Syndrome. Does he understand that his behavior is wrong? Does Asperger’s Syndrome make it okay for people to behave this way? I am very familiar with interacting with someone on the Autistic Spectrum. I have a son who was diagnosed with HFA, yet I cannot seem to communicate with my fiancé about this situation.

Can you give me any tips to make him understand that what he is doing is not appropriate behavior for a man who is engaged to be married?"

Forgive me for being blunt:

Your friend is stupid if she moves to be with him. It doesn't sound to be like he's ready to be in a relationship and I almost wonder if he's using his AS to allow him to cheat and then not have to confront it.

For me; I hate using AS as an excuse. Sometimes I have to, but every time I do I try to learn something from it so I don't have to again. If he's refusing to talk about it and keep doing it, that is all kinds of red flags.

I think your friend is going to get hurt badly if she goes through. If your engaged, your engaged. That is your girl. End of Story.

Since she KNOWS what he's doing, that's not cheating. Cheating would be if he did it secretly.

My advice: Don't do it!

I am a (probable) Aspie. I find relationships confusing and stressful. But, I understand the concept of being engaged. It's a public announcement of your intention to marry someone - if you have made that intention you shouldn't still be looking. I find it really hard to imagine someone with Aspergers who doesn't understand the difference between being engaged and being single.

One thing I will say though, is that I do interact with men as friends both online and sometimes offline. In the past, if we were discussing a particular thing I would just talk about that and I wouldn't mention things that didn't seem relevant, which might include my job, my boyfriend etc. Now I have learned that it best to mention if you are in a relationship straight away if you are talking to members of the opposite sex so there is no confusion. However, I made these friends on blogs that were related to a particular interest not on a dating or chat site. I don't think people in relationships have any business going near places like that.

I don't believe in the idea of soulmates (it seems illogical to me) but it is usual to be in love with someone before you ask them to marry you. I don't think your friend should even consider leaving her job and her home for someone who can't even give her the most basic level of commitment.

Yep, my thoughts exactly.


Maybe not cheating, but nevertheless I find it disrespectful and very insensitive, and typical behaviour of an a-hole.
How would you like it if you were in a relationship with a woman you really had feelings for, but she was often online chatting to guys making out that she was single?

Please tell your friend to stay put in the UK. Do not give up what she has already established.

I have been in her position. Her fiancé will not change. He will always find something to turn situations around and have her always end up as the bad guy. He will not change. He will not change. He will not change.

If she does go through with it, is she prepared to put up with this kind of behavior for the rest of her married life?

DON'T DO IT.

Ditto to all the above. Your friend may have the best of intent and she must be really taken with this guy. The fact that he's an Aspie is irrelevant. She would be trading her home, her career, her family/friends to be with a man who so disregards her own trust that he has the guts to 'interact with women' online - that's low. I wonder why she'd settle for this selfish behaviour from him? And, yes, Aspies do know better....geez.

I do not know what soul-mates are, really, but she can do better by finding one who treats her respectfully and would not demand all her past to suit him. The Aspergian men whom I know, and like, on the Wrong Planet would never manipulate their girlfriends in this way.

Last edited by LabPet on 04 Jun 2012, 3:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I disagree. It's cheating either way. Just because she knows about it doesn't make it any less wrong.

Now if she said "we are in an open relationship and you can do whatever you want" then it would not be cheating because she gave him permission.

Unless she says it's ok, it's cheating.

Please remember that although AS people need some extra help, and to be cut some slack sometimes, it's not and shouldn't be used as a carte blanche for any inappropriate behavior.

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the advice and I will pass it on to her. I should mention that she does know he does this now, after she caught him. She did tell him how much it upset her and that is when he called her names like "loony" and a "nutter."

It was not like the topic of being in a relationship did not come up with the women online. One woman asked him if he was single and he indicated that he was single. So I don't really think this is too innocent.

Again...thank you.

That isn't innocent at all. Telling someone you are single when you are engaged is lying. This has nothing to do with Aspergers, and everything to do with being not a very nice person. Please tell your friend to hold out until she meets someone who appreciates her and treats her as she deserves to be treated, with love, kindness and respect. Those people exist, both NTs and Aspies.

I've seen many women go down this path in the name of "love."

I hope she can come to her senses.