When potential girlfriend asks me about ex-s

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I have just realized something. When I am talking to a new girl who asks me about my ex-s, all I have to say is that I don't have any ex-s. I was not into dating scene altogether untill right now, because I was all into school. And right now I decided to find someone because I am about to get ph.d. in a couple of years, so I am getting ready for a new stage of my life. Or if I am talking to someone who isn't looking for such a long commitment, the alternative thing to say is that in the past my school wasn't in order, but now it is.

So now this brings me to another question: how come other people don't do exact same thing. I mean, in every single case, the story about ex is ALWAYS a negative one -- otherwise she wouldn't of been an ex. So, logic says that it is NOT in person's best interest to talk about their ex-s. If such is trully the case, why don't EVERYONE lie when they are asked about their ex-s by their potential girlfriends?

I guess one answre I can think of is that being single is also a turnoff, because if I am 26 years old and never had a single girlfriend, the question that arises is that may be something is wrong.

So this brings me back to the question: what SHOULD I do when I am asked about my ex-s? If I say I didn't have any, then it would be a lie PLUS it would make the other person ask what is wrong. On the other hand, if I say that yes I did have ex-s, then the quesiton is what lead to the breakup? And this would ALWAYS be a negative thing. So it is no win situation.

But then again, how about other people? Don't EVERYONE has simular no-win situation each time they are asked about ex-s? If so, then no one would EVER be able to get a girlfriend. After all, every single person will blow every single potential girlfriend the moment they are asked about their ex-s, right?

Don't lie, but say something along the lines of "I'd rather talk about positive things..." Do you get asked this a lot??

Yah, but that won't be a good answer either. After all, they are NOT asking it because they are being "negative". They simply are trying to get to know me that way. So may be by refusing to answer I would only MAKE them think that I have to be afraid of something.

So, I guess the whole thing boils down to logical contradiction.

1)The intention of the questoin is to get to know me

2)If they think of all the possible answers they would realize that, unless I am 18 or younger, they are all negative (either that I am 26 and never dated which is bad, or that I made mistakes in prevous relationships which is also bad)

3)1 and 2 taken together implies that they shouldn't be dating anyone over 18, period

4)So then why were they considering me on the first place?

I've never had an ex girlfriend. I made it quite clear to my now-girlfriend that she is the first person I've dated.

Also, why do you think that ex's have to be discussed in a negative way? If something bad happens and you want to share it fine, but sometimes things just don't work out. I really wouldn't lie about what happened.

Just tell them that you have been really busy with college and haven't really had time to play games with girls.

I also agree with Prof_Pretorius; if it's a bad topic, try to change it. Don't lie.

And not all break-ups are bad. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Last edited by Kineticosm on 06 Nov 2006, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Then how did you deal with the other problem -- namely the fact that it looks weird that you haven't dated anyone else?



But the fact that things didn't work out with my ex-s is that I did something to screw it up. So any potential girlfriend who hears it would think I am going to repeat it with her.

I might do it. But still, I think I might be missing something. After all, there are SOME people who are honest, but it doesn't keep them from having new girlfriends.



Doing that would imply that I have something to be afraid of.



You just contradicted your previous statement that I should say I was busy with college and never dated. This WOULD be a lie.

lol. You've got yourself stuck in a paradox, but these things aren't really true. People break up. People have a 'first girlfriend'. These things happen and yet some people still end up getting married.

It's fine that you haven't had a girlfriend, yet. It's not a big deal.

When you break up with your next girl-friend, you will find out that it's not always 'I screwed up'. Maybe the girl was impossible? Maybe it was the ex's fault you broke up.

I'm busy with college and don't have time for girls, so it's not a lie for me. I thought getting a Ph.D. would be time consuming for you, also.

Yah, I can convince myself about it while I am not talking to anyone. BUT when I am in a conversation and I am asked about my ex-s, what would happen is that I will list everything I did wrong, and turn them off. So, the question I am asking is very PRACTICAL. Even if I convince myself IN THEORY that things happen, how can I prevent myself from turning ppl off by talking about them?



Cool. But again, how about people who are honest? How do they manage to have more than one girlfriend in their life without having to lie?



Speaking of CONCRETE girlfriends I had in the past, yes it was about "I screwed up". So should I lie by making up a ficticious story of what have happeend between me and my ex-s?

I'm getting my PhD, too.

Despite that, everyone around me has dated, is dating, or is even married or something.

From my vantage point, it may be an excuse this semester but it won't be an excuse in a few months. And it's not an excuse as to why I've never dated anybody.

My birthday is today. I'm 28.

How do I explain to a potential mate that I've never dated anybody? That puts me in about the bottom 2% at best, and it could be a major red flag.

So it boils down to salesmanship, if you ask me. Because you're going to have to own up eventually, perhaps even early on before you get to first or second base. You might have to own up while you're still in the batter's box trying to get a hit.

How do you soft sell it?

How do you 'fess up without her running to the hills because you very suddenly exhibit the creep factor of a potential serial killer, a doomsday cultist, or a renegade Mormon polygamist?

Seriously, this could be a major issue. It very well can be a big deal. I know it, and you know it.

Dude, just say "all my exes live in Texas." Have some fun with it, yer not being interrogated by the FBI ! !!

Here is another apportunity for me to stress what I was trying to ask. So why is it that it puts you into bottom 2% rather than top 2%? After all, you are one of the few people who DON"T have to tell how they were screwing up their previous relatinships. So the ineviteable conclusion is that there IS a way of talking about having an ex in a way that it makes it BETTER than if you were always single as opposed to worse. So what is that way?

You don't have to be so negative about how 'you screwed up'.
Maybe you can spin things a different way.
These things are not necessarily positive / negative, or about someone screwing up ( although it may feel that way). Circumstances just happen, bad timing, life gets in the way, etc.

Personally, i would just lie.
Not elaborate ficticious stories, but base it on the truth, no need to get too specific or go into minutiae.
It will be apparent you are not comfortable talking about such things; do not let yourself be pressed. Remain enigmatic, the subject will change.
You don't have to divulge your life history.

If this fails, you can always tell her that you're a secret agent.

You list all their great qualities ( which you want out of your potential new partner), eg. how you remember them giving great massages, intelligent conversation, etc.
Then say, "but we grew apart.." & she went overseas to release captive dolphins back into the sea; or to teach English to starving Africans; or whatever.
My point is that you do not get into the negative 'i screwed up' stuff.

If I spin things different way, then I would be blaming my ex-s. This is not good either, because this would show that either I am very intolerant of others, or can't take blame, or both.

So it is bad to blame myself, and it is also bad to blame my ex-s. But, from "the law of conservation of blame" SOMEONE has to be blamed.



In theory, yes; but as far as each of the particular ex-s that I have, it had nothing to do with circumstances and it had everything to do with me screwing up.



I don't remember ever being pressed since I am always the obsessive one who likes to do long speeches and dwell into things. BUT the problem is that if I won't dwell into things or move on to another topic, then there will always be a question in my mind as to how did they fill in gaps. So in order NOT to let them fill in gaps "incorrect" way, I am ALWAYS long winded about EVERYTHING -- whether it be positive OR negative. I understand that in a lot of cases there is no need to do it. But when it comes to ex-s, the possibility for them filling in gaps a "bad" way is very dangerous, because they might decide that it is something bad since I feel like hiding it.

So my typical pattern of conversation is as follows:

1)Present facts from the worst possible angle in order to get a credentials as someone HONEST

2)Now that I convinced them that I am HONEST, every "good" thing is going to be taken seriously

3)In particular, I will then elaborate on all the detailed description in order to show her how it is irrelevent because each of the "bad" things were changed for some VERY CONCRETE reasons

But the point is that no one follows up to 2 or 3. In most cases they are just turned off by part 1. And then when I am at part 3 I face frustration since no matter what I say I can't convince them with anything.

I guess I am borrowing the strategy from college essays because it makes it a STRONGER essay if I present all the opposing views and then refute it. But I guess real life is not an essay. So the question is what SHOULD I do? Because my mind is very essay-oriented. Even though in real life I know that I shouldn't be giving all detailes, I still feel that presentation is "incomplete" unless all possible angles are covered. And if something is "incomplete" then surely EITHER they will draw their own conclusions OR they will accuse me of hiding something OR BOTH.




The subject will surely change but then I will stay obsessed with an idea of "what if she t hinks X, Y and Z". So even if the subject did change I would find a way to manipulate it back to stay on topic just to make sure that she isn't thinking any of the "unfavorable" things.

If you want to go continue down this 'relationship road', then there are two things which you need to change.
( Sorry if this sounds dogmatic, but this will help.)

1. This belief of 'conservation of blame'.
You are getting mixed up with 'energy' or 'momentum' or something. There is no law of conservation of blame; besides from it being complete nonsense, this way of thinking can only limit you.

2. You are over-thinking way too much.
Life is not a logical problem, you are not writing a college essay.

Do not think i am being judgemental, but if you want success in this area then you need to change the way you are thinking about things. Start having fun without analysing events which have yet to happen.

I also over-analyse everything, it's just my nature.
I've been mostly single for over ten years now, and thats the way i like it.
So its quite laughable that i am actually giving relationship advice out.

At the moment you seem to be focusing on negative experiences in your past and projecting them onto events yet to happen. Sorry if that sounds quackish, but it's something you need to stop.

In summary, you need to forget your exs, stop thinking, stop trying & start doing.