Confessed feelings to a co-worker, and it still hurts

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Last edited by Lando on 09 May 2012, 6:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Well you f****d it up, didn't you? You're married, she's married, you should have kept your mouth shut and dealt with it, and been thankful you have SOMEBODY, which is more than most of us can claim. Being married and having someone who loves you wasn't enough, and now you're paying the price.

You should thank god in heaven your coworker hasn't contacted your wife, or told her husband so he could beat you down. You've wrecked a friendship, be glad your marriage is still intact. Avoid this woman, leave her the hell alone, and buy your wife some flowers and tell her how much you love her and appreciate her.

Count yourself lucky, you only shot yourself in the foot, instead of blowing your head off.

I think you did the right thing by telling your wife.

And honestly, I think that breaking off the friendship with the subject of your "limerence" (thanks for the vocab, by the way) was a good thing.

Trying to be friends with someone you're intensely attracted to (to the point you that you describe) is not a good idea, IMO. It's so easy for it to turn into an "emotional affair." And it's just NOT worth it.

You did a good thing by being honest, and I think it's actually really great that she's not being your friend. Don't beat yourself up about it. And yeah--your wife deserves some flowers. Her feelings are more important than the friendship or feelings of the other married lady--that lady has a husband to adore her, and your wife deserves that too for being so patient and understanding.

dang this is pretty brutal... i agree with some of the ideas he is trying to get accross but not the way in which they were presented...i recently was in a somewhat somilar situation with a girl (im single tho).. we were best friends And i had feelings for her but she knew) and then in an effort to make her feel better from some stuff going on with her i crossed a line.. i apologized numersous times and she forgave me but then after we agreed to take some time off from eachother she messaged me back the next day unexpectantly and said some things that didnt sit well... mainly about my aspergers and how as an aspie i do not know how to discern what is right and what is wrong... i told her that really was very untrue and it hurt me and she went off on me (i have never had someone hat me with such passion).. she said i wasnt allowed to feel hurt and i was all to blame and she made several vicious mean comments about me and untrue stuff out of anger...

She is a great person and i know that was totally not lke her and i tried to be angry at her but that lasted for about almost a day (im a bad grudge holder)... and eventually i came to the realization that its okay she can hate me all she wants and i know we will never speak again (it still boggles me and my best friend who is a mutual friend of the the tow of us how and why she went off like that) but i have accepted it and told her i forgive her, i have forgiven myself and she will always be in my prayers and considered a friend i hold no hard feelings towards her. I still think on it at times (like now) but it doesnt bother me in general any more and its a part of my past, the situation has made me a better person as well.... i honeslty sugguest you just get over it and end it... you made a mistake you learned from it forgive yourself and forgive her you have done your best to apologize.. end it.

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Last edited by Lando on 09 May 2012, 6:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Stop thinking just of yourself and think about your marriage! Your wife has forgiven you, man! She is still with you despite putting her through so much emotional upheaval.

Honor your commitment to your wife, move on with your life, let your co-worker move on with hers and snap out of it!

Because if you don't snap out of it, I sure hope your wife does and leave you with her honor and pride intact. You may fool her once, but I hope not twice.

It was and is an unhealthy obsession, that comes from a place that probably actually has nothing at all to do with her. Yes, I've had varying degrees of those sorts of obsessions, albeit never anything close to what you describe, but enough to know that I would never in a million years tell the person - because it is about me, not them, and it is my job to deal with it and get it pushed into it's right place. But, you say it helped you, so I guess you have to accept the cost.

Minimizing contact is definitely called for.

So from here, in my opinion, I believe you need to figure out why you are feeling this way and figure out how to get rid of it. You might need counseling. But I strongly believe that none of it is actually about her - it comes from a different place. Think about it, you know love, you know how it feels, and it is nothing like this.

If you can't solve it, you may have to get another job. I don't have a better answer; obsessions don't respond to logic.

Perhaps you should change jobs, move to a different company, anything where you won't have to run into your co-worker.

And I'm only half-kidding, too.

When you say:



See, this does not bode well.

Try putting yourself in your wife's shoes. Would you like it if she harbored feelings for some other man and know that you are not completely "in" the marriage? Emotional infidelity is as devastating as sexual infidelity.

Aspies are "supposed" to be incapable of empathy. For your sake, I hope this is not the case with you.

Well, I thought I could just walk away from this, but my Aspie mind never did make it easy to let things go.

You people are all a bunch of hypocrites.

How about you actually read my post before judging me? Try googling "Limerence" before you start flaming someone for something you don't understand, and have obviously never experienced. Or is the word "involuntary" beyond your comprehension? How they hell do you expect the NT's to understand people like us if you won't even try to do that yourself?

All of your suggestions are useless. Do you think I can go back in time and not tell my friend how I feel? Even if I did that, how was I supposed to deal with my mind being incapactiated by limerence? Any actual suggestions? Or just more idiological nonsense by people who haven't experienced life at all? "I don't have someone but if I did I wouldn't do that". You have no f*****g clue, none at all.

What else was there? Oh yeah, "don't get obsessed". Really? Seriously? Do you have any idea what it's like to have Asperger's? I get obsessed with things all the time you moron, there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe you should look up "Asperger's" in the dictionary, you might learn something.

Quit my job? In the same post as "think about your wife". I have a family to support, your "brilliant" plan of removing my ability do that isn't very smart, now is it? I am well educated and have an actual career with a good job. I can't just throw that away for a stupid reason like this. I guess it's easier to suggest that when you don't have to actually take responsibility for anything. Unlike you, I deal with my problems.

I came here looking for advice from people that might have similar experiences. Limerence is a horrible thing that continues to adversely affect my life, and I poured my heart out in my quest for help. All I found was a bunch of jealous, petty, narrow-minded douche bags. You idiots are no better than the bullies who beat me up when I was a kid. I had selective mutism until I was 25 and couldn't talk to ANY pretty girl who I liked. Now I have a beautiful wife who's NT and obviously a lot more understanding than you lot. SHE can understand mental health issues she's never experienced and you can't, even though you claim to have AS like me. I guess I have someone like that because I didn't sit at my computer all night trying to hurt other people and feeling sorry for myself. I went out into the scary NT world and dealt with it. I guess that's the difference between you losers and me.

Clearly this place does not offer the value it promises. Good-bye.