This is Why I've Never Had a Girlfriend!

Page 1 of 2 [ 16 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,165

17 Aug 2012, 1:00 pm

As you might have noticed, I've recently mentioned how I can't seem to get any female attention despite being what women should want, both inside and out. In short, I'm well liked but not loved by anyone. Just today I finally clued in that I AM getting attention at work, in fact quite a bit of it (I work in a large building). I had a group of women come up to me at work and ask out of the blue (They know I'm single but I don't talk about it regularly to them) how the woman hunt was going. I explained my frustration with online dating and how immature the women I'm running into are and I wondered where the normal women are hiding because I know they must exist. Another woman replied how there are plenty of normal, single women and then said uttered while she was leaving and once all the other women were out of sight:

"Some are closer than you think"

It's only a few hours later did I FINALLY clue in what she meant by that. I also realized that another woman in another department has been flirting with me for weeks and I only clued into it today when she joked about how aggressive I can be when I think I'm right even though it's something that isn't immediately obvious given my friendly and quiet nature.

All I can say is WOW, I really am utterly clueless. This was probably going on for a while but had no idea whatsoever. No wonder I'm eternally single! At least now I truly understand how oblivious I have been and the first step is admitting your problem, right? :)



wtfid2
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2012
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,712
Location: usa

17 Aug 2012, 1:07 pm

glad you found out your problem!! ! i wish i knew mine lol


_________________
AQ 25

Your Aspie score: 101 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 111 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits


outofplace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jun 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,771
Location: In A State of Quantum Flux

17 Aug 2012, 3:03 pm

Don't worry, I do the same thing. Even when I realize someone may be trying to give me a subtle hint, I still have no idea what to do and try to fish for something more definite. Of course, that never happens because women want the guy to take the lead and will initiate in such a way that the man is supposed to know and reciprocate in such a way that appears to be the one initiating when in reality it was the woman who got the ball rolling. Confused yet? I am!

I actually had a situation like this yesterday. One of the female drivers at the pizza place I work at had her car break down. My aspie special interest is auto mechanics so of course I was dying to look at it. When I went to do so she mentioned a dinner and drinks special at a local restaurant. Now, the conversation did not call for such a thing so I just commented that it sounded like a good deal and proceeded to look at the car for her. Besides, I don't drink so it would not be something I was especially interested in. Was she trying to give me a hint that I should ask her to go out and take advantage of that special? I thought it a possibility at the time but didn't know if I was reading it right so I just kept my mouth shut. I am still scratching my head as to what it really meant. It could have just been her mentioning it as it came up on her smart phone and maybe she was checking some kind of deal service she is part of and meant nothing to do with me.


_________________
Uncertain of diagnosis, either ADHD or Aspergers.
Aspie quiz: 143/200 AS, 81/200 NT; AQ 43; "eyes" 17/39, EQ/SQ 21/51 BAPQ: Autistic/BAP- You scored 92 aloof, 111 rigid and 103 pragmatic


Last edited by outofplace on 17 Aug 2012, 3:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mindslave
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Nov 2010
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,052
Location: Where the wild things wish they were

17 Aug 2012, 3:10 pm

I remember the first time I realized what you just did. I started kicking myself because I remembered the really hot one that was hitting on me a few years prior. I don't get the same kind of attention I used to because I'm too aware. Being oblivious has its benefits. I suppose I mean being willfully oblivious is a good tactic at times.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,165

17 Aug 2012, 3:24 pm

outofplace wrote:
Don't worry, I do the same thing. Even when I realize someone may be trying to give me a subtle hint, I still have no idea what to do and try to fish for something more definite. Of course, that never happens because women want the guy to take the lead and will initiate in such a way that the man is supposed to know and reciprocate in such a way that appears to be the one initiating when in reality it was the woman who got the ball rolling. Confused yet? I am!


LOL not at all! :lol: Even with this knowledge, I'm still no further ahead, at least right now. What I might try doing it talk with that woman privately and mention her outright that I'm not rude or disinterested in women at work, I just literally don't understand subtleties and need some things spelled out before I clue in. Maybe she will be a be a little more concrete so I CAN make the 'first' move. I'm positive I would make a great boyfriend (I would take a bullet for my girl without hesitation) it's just that I literally don't understand what to do no matter how much I read on the subject. NT men tell me this is a problem that all men have (understanding women) but these same men have been married for years so while I understand what they are saying my problem is obviously much bigger than most mens or the word marriage would not exist.

In other words, I used to not tip the pizza guy but not because I was selfish, cheap or rude (although it certain came off that way): I literally did not comprehend tipping until someone spelled it out for me on a message board. Fast forward ten years and I have the opposite problem: I've actually had pizza guys tell me I tip too much! Story of my life: I struggle to start something but I am an incredibly fast learner. I've been told that by so many people it's almost a weekly occurrence to hear it.



outofplace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jun 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,771
Location: In A State of Quantum Flux

17 Aug 2012, 3:39 pm

As far as tipping goes, usually the way it plays out is something like this. The average tip is between $2-5 for a normal order with 15-20% expected on larger ones. Tip $2 or less on any size order and you are seen as cheap. Tip $3-5 and you are golden, with a tip of $4 or more getting you probable preferential treatment in the future if the other customer that driver has to go to is known to be a poor tipper. I could say more about how we are compensated by the company, but divulging that data on here would potentially reveal who my employer is and that may be dangerous to me. After all, aspies are known for social awkwardness and you probably wouldn't hire someone like that for customer service, so I fear I could be fired if I had a customer issue.


_________________
Uncertain of diagnosis, either ADHD or Aspergers.
Aspie quiz: 143/200 AS, 81/200 NT; AQ 43; "eyes" 17/39, EQ/SQ 21/51 BAPQ: Autistic/BAP- You scored 92 aloof, 111 rigid and 103 pragmatic


1000Knives
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2011
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,083
Location: CT, USA

17 Aug 2012, 4:27 pm

I tell this story a lot on here, but I'm dreadfully clueless when people are hitting on me.

Girl:
Hey, do you know anything fun to do around here?
Me:
Nope, I don't do anything fun.

Then she asked if the Jeep out there was mine, and gave me her number and asked for my Facebook, which I didn't have, so dead end. But yes, random carnival working girl looking for a hookup, and I'm too clueless to know it until my friend explained that to me and she gave me her number. She was from NY, and only there for one more day if that, but she wanted a late night fun time. But yeah, that's how clueless I am.



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,373
Location: Canada

17 Aug 2012, 5:30 pm

outofplace wrote:
As far as tipping goes, usually the way it plays out is something like this. The average tip is between $2-5 for a normal order with 15-20% expected on larger ones. Tip $2 or less on any size order and you are seen as cheap. Tip $3-5 and you are golden, with a tip of $4 or more getting you probable preferential treatment in the future if the other customer that driver has to go to is known to be a poor tipper. I could say more about how we are compensated by the company, but divulging that data on here would potentially reveal who my employer is and that may be dangerous to me. After all, aspies are known for social awkwardness and you probably wouldn't hire someone like that for customer service, so I fear I could be fired if I had a customer issue.


I worked at a gas station and with a girl who was very manipulative. I would not say sociopath though, more of a drama queen. One day, the girl had a couple friends come into the store and I remember the owner telling me once to try not allow people using the debit machine for such small transactions that are only a couple dollars or less. The girl's friends asked me if they could use debit machine for a chocolate bar "I said yes even though it is a little annoying to do so." The next day the owner had a conversation with me about being rude to customers. The girl complained that I was rude to all the customers when in reality, it turned out that it was her friends that I was "rude" to. These other friends I was supposedly rude to, I would not sell them coffee at 5 minutes to closing because I closed the coffee station down already. Why waste money on a fresh pot if it was going to be dumped after selling 1 cup for $1.50 or less? I even threw out one of her boyfriends from the store once for getting verbally abusive towards her, but I found out it was manipulated by her anyway (get him jealous, see how I react).

Oh yeah, I get a little selfish on these forums, I apologize for that OP. I relate to you because I am also oblivious at times when someone is interested in me. However, when I am aware, I sometimes wish I wasn't.
Oblivious: I have told this story before. A girl that dumped me while we were dating came back into my life a year after the fact. Things did happen with this girl, but she dumped me after a couple weeks saying she did not want anything serious and wanted to remain friends and all that. It turned out to be a blatant lie because she posted on Facebook a couple days later that she was in a relationship with someone else. We went out for lunch one day after all this happened, but not as a date. During a conversation we were having, she said to me "I have not gotten laid in a while." I remember replying with "That's your problem." I bet that hurt her feelings too. I didn't realize what she meant by that until after I drove her home (she was suddenly more quiet now).
Aware: The night I met the girl above. I could just simply tell by looking at her that she was interested in me. Don't know how or why I figured it out. However, I found myself too attracted to just run away and took the chance to initiate contact with her.



MacDragard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 542

18 Aug 2012, 12:21 am

This is how most women act and will always act, and the sooner you realize this the better because it will save you a LOT of frustration.

Interestingly enough, most guys have problems with picking up on the subtleties and ques that women give off. It's a skill you have to develop, just like anything.



spongy
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2010
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,180
Location: Patiently waiting for the seventh wave

18 Aug 2012, 12:36 am

Well at least its better than interrumpting people to correct them/barely letting them speak... and somehow Im making it work for most of the time(you make it seem as if the interruptions are a joke and most people are cool with it) .

Now that you now what was happening you may want to focus on paying attention to this things(right now I try to make a point of avoiding to be the one doing most of the talking on a group setting... and its quite helpfull)



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,165

18 Aug 2012, 8:20 am

MacDragard wrote:
This is how most women act and will always act, and the sooner you realize this the better because it will save you a LOT of frustration.

Interestingly enough, most guys have problems with picking up on the subtleties and ques that women give off. It's a skill you have to develop, just like anything.


Good point. It's probably just harder for me (or us aspies in general) because I really struggle with grasping the female mind just as I did the mind of bullies, liars, etc. I find it hard to understand not only why women in general aren't direct but I find it hard to understand how anyone could be attracted to a man even though I understand biology. Therefore, I probably am too untrusting because of a combination of this and the terrible experiences I had in the past. I have to be honest and admit until recently if an attractive woman gave me serious attention I would begin to wonder what she is trying to get from meand get my guard up.

It's just so frustrating how all the Bad Boys I know seem to intuitively know how to get women and lots of them. Then again, they are exactly the type of women I dont want anything to do with.



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,373
Location: Canada

18 Aug 2012, 10:17 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
MacDragard wrote:
This is how most women act and will always act, and the sooner you realize this the better because it will save you a LOT of frustration.

Interestingly enough, most guys have problems with picking up on the subtleties and ques that women give off. It's a skill you have to develop, just like anything.


Good point. It's probably just harder for me (or us aspies in general) because I really struggle with grasping the female mind just as I did the mind of bullies, liars, etc. I find it hard to understand not only why women in general aren't direct but I find it hard to understand how anyone could be attracted to a man even though I understand biology. Therefore, I probably am too untrusting because of a combination of this and the terrible experiences I had in the past. I have to be honest and admit until recently if an attractive woman gave me serious attention I would begin to wonder what she is trying to get from meand get my guard up.
.


I would think that if your guard is up when you are talking to an attractive women who is showing serious interest in you, chances are you are relating previous (bad) experience to what is going on at the present time. Is that what is going on? Would you have your guard up for that reason?



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,165

18 Aug 2012, 10:46 am

aspiemike wrote:
I would think that if your guard is up when you are talking to an attractive women who is showing serious interest in you, chances are you are relating previous (bad) experience to what is going on at the present time. Is that what is going on? Would you have your guard up for that reason?


I initially had my guard raised after many girls in school told me I'm gross (but if I was popular I'll bet they would have been fighting over someone 'gross' like me) and the few who seemed mature couldn't run away fast enough like I had anthrax. As well, the bullies loved to get women to fake attention to humiliate me. As years went on I slowly told myself to take a fresh approach as I'm dealing with adults now but again the few times I had the courage to ask women out (after I checked them out with others to ensure high compatibility) was to either to be given a "are you kidding me?" look or if I had really aggressive approach I managed to get a pity date that I could tell she felt obligated to give me.

Add to that the terrible quality of women (and men as well I've been told) on online dating sites and you really start to get an irrational feeling that every woman is only out to hurt men. I can see that's wrong and there are plenty of decent, normal ladies out there but it's hard to shake that feeling. Add to that my oblivious nature and it's becoming clearer why things are the way they are in my life.



Last edited by GiantHockeyFan on 18 Aug 2012, 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Stalk
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2012
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,196

18 Aug 2012, 11:43 am

When I approach women to ask them out, I get really nervous and tend to look for the nearest exit. I sometimes get this vision from the movie in genie from Aladdin, the genie is a bee trying to advise Aladdin when he asks the princess. He comes crashing down as a bee in an airplane calling mayday mayday. That is how I feel.



PastFixations
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Sep 2011
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,735

18 Aug 2012, 5:37 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I explained my frustration with online dating and how immature the women I'm running into are and I wondered where the normal women are hiding because I know they must exist. Another woman replied how there are plenty of normal, single women and then said uttered while she was leaving and once all the other women were out of sight:

"Some are closer than you think"

It's only a few hours later did I FINALLY clue in what she meant by that.

To be fair, I would think the same at that time though I'd think two things a few seconds later. Either she is interested or she knows some of her friends that are interested.


_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&h ... t=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."