problem with his mother

Post Reply New Topic

Hi im an NT girl and met a guy with Aspergers via online gaming. We have been talking to each other almost every day via skype for the last four months.The problem is that i live in Europe and he in the US. So we are trying to find a way to meet. He is 40 years old and i am 30. Last night i asked him if he had discussed with his mother about coming here. He said to me that his mother is very concerned about me. Something about i am going to take advantage of him or even do him harm.To be honest i do understand that, i mean er concern about her son and all that, but to that extend?It made me really sad hearing that.He is living with his parents and has never been abroad before, although he was staying alone while he was in college.Anyway, he told me that his mother also asked his doctor about me and the doctor although he was more pragmatic he was concerned too. I do not really understand. Am i doing something wrong here? For falling in love with him? Or fall for each other?It seems to me that his mother doesnt believe that her son can be loved by someone else.He told me that he will find a way even if that includes coming with his mother.And god that would be awkward...But i still do not mind. As long as we are going to be together, i really do not
So i was thinking last night after that discussion a lot.Should i end this? To prevent him from having a fight with his mother or even alter their relatioship? I do not wish for this to happen in any way. I really care for him a lot.And do not wish to cause any trouble to him or to his family . Although that would hurt like hell losing him from my life, cause he made me fall for him and when i am with him despite our difficulties in communication we always find a way to reach to each other. He told me i am the closest person he ever had in his life and that he had never spend so much time with someone, not even his family. And although he usually needs a private time after engaging into conversations with me that rarely happens.And he is happy that he met me and dreams of being together sometime like a real couple... But i am afraid that his mother is going to cut him off from me...I really fear of that...
So anyone else has been to a situation like that? How should i proceed from now on?I am scared of investing my feelings to him and never going to meet after all..i really do not know what to do. Last night l felt like some kind of a serial killer or something or a pervert person...I told him that he is 40 years old now, and at some point he should take the decisions about his life, not his parents. Although if he had their support it would be better.
Any help here please? (( I really need your opinions on that

ps sorry for my english its not my native language

It sounds like there is a genuine connection between you two and if you both want to meet, it seems wrong to not do so because of a protective parent.

I can understand his mother's concern, though. I think all parents feel some anxiety with the romantic choices their children make. Most parents want their children to be safe and happy. And love, even at its best, often results in painful complications. Even when people meet face to face, there is still a lot they don't know about one another.

In your situation, you have never met face to face. I'm sure his mother is worried that once you two meet, that it is possible that your relationship will fall apart and her son will be hurt.

She may also be worried that her son will move to Europe and she will never see him again.

There is also the possibility that you are a Nigerian man pulling a scam on him. (Ok... Probably not, but most people are more trusting of people they meet day to day and less trusting of people they have not met. I saw something on a study suggesting that people have a harder time lying to people that they have to make eye contact with)

The fact that this man is 40 and living with his parents suggest that he may not have a lot of skills at living independently and making good life choices for himself. It also could be the result of over-protective parents.

I think it would be wrong on your part to break it off with him. It sounds like you are a real positive part of his life. If I could tell people what to do, I would say he should go to Europe alone to meet you. While it might be stressful for him to travel (I myself really hate traveling because I don't know what to expect) he will probably be pleasantly surprised to discover he can do things like that on his own. I think it would be a huge mistake if his mother came along. He needs to exert his own independence. He needs to know that he can make is own choices and make his own mistakes and survive the process.

But maybe more than him, his mother needs to learn that he can make his own choices and mistakes and still survive.

When you two meet, it probably won't be perfect. There will be things you will discover about each other that you didn't expect when you only talked on the phone. I think you already understand this, although he may not.

But my point in listing some of the areas where his mother may have valid concerns is because perhaps you can talk to her about them and perhaps allay some of her concerns. I don't know if you have already spoken to her. If not, I think it would be valuable to do so. While I don't think any amount of talking on the phone is going to calm her fears completely, it will probably help. But if you do talk to her, be as realistic and pragmatic as you can. If you take an unrealistic "love conquers all" approach, she is likely to worry that you are leading her son into a potentially bad situation. If you are realistic about the potential difficulties and you are understanding about her concerns, she may feel you are going to be honest and decent to her son.

I think his meeting you could be very good for him so long as every one is realistic about the problems.

Good luck.

That sounds like a tough situation. What are your intentions and/or hopes for this relationship? It sounds like there are a lot of obstacles to having it grow into something long-term unless you would be the one who makes a lot of sacrifices to make it work. Given that he is forty and still has not left 'the nest,' it is hard for me to imagine he would be able or willing to move to Europe, even if he does genuinely care for you.

Thank you so much for your replies.He said that in order to be able to come here or anywhere abroad he has to prove to his family that he can take care of himself and be responsible. From what he had told me, throughout his life , he never had the support or the boost he needed to be independent.He loves that i engourage him and make him believe in himself and in his capabilities.He has dreams of living on his own and be a writer. He had publised a book once but nothing since then.He often tells me that i am the only person he ever had in his life that believes in him and that means so much to him cause it gives him the strength to go on.And that although it pleased me a lot at the same time it make me really feel for him He had work before but he had hard time keeping them.From what i have seen while we video-chatting he can maintain eye contact and have a discussion very well.
So i am trying to help him find a job and while i live in Europe! lol. He is used so much in rejection all those years, from what i have understood, either from people or jobs and he gave up.But i do wonder how his parents left him and not still push him to be independent or make him believing in himself.I told him that i will never give up on him even if i make him tired with my persistence and he said he like that.
So here i am. Trying to get help from you guys.I have listed some online jobs that include writting (which he loves) but he has to find something more stable besides that.Are there any aspies communities or agencies that would help with that part?Or any other ideas you might have that would help?

Thank you so much in advance

But really...no one here has ever encounter a situation like that with an aspie? Regardless of being an aspie or NT him/her self. Is it really that rare for a 40 year old guy with Asperger to live with his parents and be unemployed?Or even afraid to move on , on his own?

Do you really want a guy like that? I mean think about it he was raised before the Job market went bust, had countless opertunitys to move out and get his own life but he simply doesn't want it.

For comparson, I'm only 20 years old and the job market has always been f****d for me, Yet I've still managed to live and work on my own in, Dublin/Newbruy/Reading/Lithuania(Klipedia)/ Liverpool for periods of 6-8 months a time. Not that long I admit because I've kept losing my job and had to move on.

Still, This guy sounds like he has little to no intitive, He has relied on his mother to do everything and support him and now he has you doing the exact same thing, Telling him he is great, doing -job searches- for him. Giving him the idea he can come and vist or even live with you.

Out of interest, just how much has he done for -himself- since you've started talking to him. Excluding things you or his mother have poked or urged him into doing, Or things the Goverment might have forced him to do.
==

On the Job point again, My step dad is 50, Has broken his back several times, has a fused wrist and many other problems physicaly with out falling into the Disabled bracket. And he started to job search about 3 months back and already is on a training course for a new job.

It sounds a bit like his is either on the lower functioning end of AS or he has been infantalized by his mother to the point he can't do anything on his own.

I don't know what to tell you to do. I understand his concern, a lot of people use people to get US citizenship. Not saying that's something you'd do at all but it's a concern.

Finding a job, he's not a citizen so how would he work?

I'm sad to say this, lost13, but you have not met this guy IRL yet. His Mum may have very good cause for concern. Maybe he is better at taking care of himself than she's giving him credit for, or maybe not. You have absolutely no way of telling over the net. There's another reason why she might be concerned. She doesn't know you at all. I understand that this guy is an adult, but she has probably been protecting him all of his life. She considers him to be vulnerable and she might be right (or maybe she is just very over-protective). I read a very recent case of a disabled man meeting a 'woman' on the internet. They were supposedly getting married and he sent her a load of money. It was a complete scam. I'm not suggesting this is the case with you, but his Mum will know this can happen and is being wary on his behalf.

I'm a bit confused lost13 - your profile says you are male, but your first post in this thread says you are female.

Mummy_of_Peanut sorry i havent seen that at all lol. yes i am a female.
Thank you all for your opinions.They really were something to chew on.He had many jobs in his life but in most of them he quit . Because he said that most of the times didnt get the implied suggestions of a task and wasnt aware that he was supposed to understand that, yet they expected it done and got upset with him.While he was waiting for a direct order.Or some times he got into a disagreement with his boss because of a misunderstanding again during work and his boss wasnt very kind with him (who is anyway?) and that hurt him and insulted his pride and integrity cause he accused him of being a liar.And well all those made him to close into himself again and give up.
But he knows that he has to be independent. He knows that something has to change into his life.He doesnt like the way it is.But i am afraid he cant do it on his own.Because he told me he doesnt know how, or where to begin with.Or when he starts something , he loses track of time or get distracted by something else, and well the result is doing nothing at all.
Maybe i didnt make myself clear enough and i do apologize for that.We have not commited into anything or make vows or anything.Not until we meet. We are both aware that maybe this doesnt work out if and when we finally meet and we are both ok with that, and that wont mean that we will never speak again.The only thing i want at the moment is to be able to meet soon so as we know what is this and what we have.Cause for me at least is too painfull not to know where we stand because everyday emotions grow and the need to see this other person you think all day is unbearable.
But regardless all these, i do really understand his mother and her concern. I am sure i would have felt the same if i was in her place.Guess all that crime stuff where too much for me to hear , but i still can understand.
For the time being i am trying to help him get into a daily schedule. We discuss every night and i give him some tasks for the next day. Small tasks like looking at the newspaper for jobs offers or applying to some online ones. And we do this together.Step by step till he gets into his track again and be able to do it on his own.I was a little mean with him last night i have to admit though but i told him that i was trying to wake him up from his sleep and convenience he had till now. And although I expected him to be mad or upset with me, to my surprise he acknowledged his faults and promised to be more responsible from now own.

I have had many relationships in my life and met a lot of people. But this guy has something...unique He is very sweet and affectionate and conserns about me a lot in a selfless way i was never used to.He do stuff sometimes only to make me happy, although he doesnt like them! And that well you do not find it very often between nts lol And in a way i I need his grace to remind me to find my own...He really made me think and see many things so differently and that amazes me.He is willing to learn and he does fast. About what to say on certnain occasions or to ask me if he did anything wrong again. And he never repeats the same "mistakes".

Maybe i am a dreamer or a hopeless romantic person i do knot know. The only thing that i am sure of is that i am not going to abandon him. Whatever happens between us. I will always be there for him.To support him or to comfort him.
And i know that it is hard and maybe at the end nothing might change. And my friends wonder why the hell i am spending my energy and my heart with him, while i have so many options around me. I do now know. The only thing that i do know is that somehow it feels right inside me and something tells me to not lose faith.He had told me that a lot too. To not stop believing in him because i am his inspiration , something he never had in his life.Maybe love is a word too big to be said, but i adore him.He makes my life brighter and somehow managed to make me feel so much in so little time, which none of my previous relationships had managed.And i want to be able to look back in the future and say "Well at least i tried..we both did.."

Dam i wrote a lot lol. sorry
Again thanks for replying here and look forward to your posts

In some ways it sounds like your becoming a serogate for his mother.