During my absence from these forums I had been in a brief, yet extremely fulfilling relationship with a girl who i suspect is on spectrum though more likely to be Bi Polar than anything else. Me and her had been friends for about a year before we started going out, and it occurred to us after she broke up with her last boyfriend, that we really should just give it a try, since everyone of our friends and family members and even just casual observers on the street commented on how well we worked together. Even though there was a small age difference, we would routinely be asked by people 'So, how long have you two been married?'..
During that year, we only had sex once, and that was very early on before she had gone exclusive with her soon to be boyfriend. It didn't progress past that, even though there was obvious sexual tension between her and I. We simply moved past it and found constructive and fun things to do together that wouldn't leave me feeling as if I had betrayed his trust in her. I tried not to have her over at my house alone, and if I did always stayed in the living room rather than in my bed room. It was in fact to me that she reached out when she had a meltdown at his house and he decided to be less than understanding about it.
After a period of about 2 months between her breaking up with him, she was at my house and her and I had sex, during it she told me she loved me. I stopped, asked her not to say things like that as she was emotionally high from the sex and also drunk. I told her to sleep on it, and tell me in the morning if she still felt the same way, she agreed, and in the morning told me that she did love me, and that she had realized over the preceding year that I was the only one of her male friends who understood her and didn't judge her for her mental illness. I refrained initially from telling her that I loved her, since I wasn't sure that I did. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how important she was to me, and how big a part of my life she had become even when we were just friends.
She soon had the idea in mind that me and her needed to try being a couple, it was her idea at first to list our Facebook status as "Engaged", since we felt we had already gotten past the "Getting to know each other" dating phase. I explained that, I needed it to be an exclusive arrangement from the outset, or else I'd not be comfortable with it progressing beyond "Friends with benefits", so if she wanted it to be an actual real relationship, it had to be just that. She agreed. Things went swimmingly for about about 4 months. We did loads of things together, watched movies, and most importantly to me, I didn't feel alone in the world anymore. Sex wasn't particularly that big a deal to me, but it was to her, so I did my best to work past my insecurities and most importantly the effects of my various medications in order to please her. I reasoned that, if I make her come, she keeps me company. It worked out well. She would come over, we would take turns cooking dinner, and then the next morning I'd make french toast or pancakes provided I didn't have class. It never mattered if I had no money, and she seemed to legitimately be content to simply spend time with me.
Then one day, about a week before Thanksgiving, it all started to fall apart. Several things happened in a short period of time, and I'm not sure which of these things caused the problem, but I have my guesses. 1) a "Friend" of hers who had admitted in the past to having a huge crush on her moved back in across the street after breaking up with his girlfriend of 4 years. 2) said 'Friend' began to spend an inordinate amount of time with her, while I was busy doing other things, and had a severe lack of transportation options. and 3) said 'friend' also had access to pills which she had previously taken recreationaly before attempting to go straight while me and her were together.
As I said I don't know which, or even indeed if all of these, were perhaps the culprits, but things soon began to fall apart entirely. Soon she didn't want to come over anymore, and at first I was okay with that because she told me nothing was wrong and that we were still lovers and that she just felt that things were going to fast. Then, she stopped even doing that, and started to become standoffish when I tried to talk to her online. She would swap back and forth between the person that I had come to love, and this new person who was passive aggressive towards me and hyper critical of things which she formerly found endearing about me. All of these at least are hallmarks of some one who is abusing the types of pills she did. Ultimately though, she decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me at all anymore, due to, gasp, my "Ultimatum" that we be exclusive and monogamous.
This of course left me with only one conclusion to draw, that he had come back around after breaking up with his long time girlfriend, likely given my friend pills, and then continually pressured her into having sex with him, since he's just the sort of person who would do that. "Get a girl drunk, tell her you love her, and then have your way with her"... she to her credit at least broke up with me before having sex with him, but it didn't make it hurt any less. It actually felt like a repudiation of all the efforts she had made to clean herself up, and all the efforts I was making to try and get my life in order. That this loser, drunken, drug addicted moron who works a crappy job and lives with his drug addict parents, should be able to so easily captivate the person who only a week before was still telling me she wanted to get married the following Fall.
The things each of us said to the other, were deep and emotionally connected. both of us were outsiders in our community, we both liked a lot of the same things, and we both have similar senses of humour. Towards the end though all the things which we had in common were suddenly "Not enough".. and we suddenly "Only had about 25%" similarities.. I know now what she was trying to do was find reasons to justify what she was about to do. A total departure from the lovely girl who told me, after I admitted that I didn't really want to have sex with her.. that she would still love me no matter what and that we didn't have to if I didn't want too.. that she wasn't going to pressure me into it. Everything was in evidence that we would be together forever. Sure, we had our little disagreements over what movie or TV show we were going to watch.. but we were constantly supportive of each other and supportive of us as a couple. It felt RIGHT that we were together. She never had to worry about me trying to take advantage of her like so many of her previous boyfriends had. I don't know what ultimately caused it, but beyond my suspicion I can't help but maybe feel she got a really bad case of cold feet... and instead of just coming to me with that so we could work on it.. she ran to crawl under some one else in order to get over a relationship she felt she had 'f****d up'... to use her own words..
I have to make the confession that, I've contemplated self harm a number of times in the last week, due not to losing a source of sex, but the fact that, I had finally felt as though I had found a single person on this planet that I connected too and would be willing to spend the rest of my life with.. who then betrayed me, and had the temerity to ask if we could "go back to how things were before we were dating" that being that, I'd pay to take her to shows and to movies and out to eat and cook dinner for her.. while she slept with the other guy(s). I told her that was impossible, that I couldn't sleep in the same bed as a her if she was dating some one else, that if we went back to being "Just friends" it had to be as it was months ago, since I couldn't view her as being single... I would have to treat her as being in a relationship with some one else.., and that further I couldn't bear to see her with some one else after the things she had told me and the way that she had gotten my hopes up and then dashed them. When I was with her, no matter what happened, everything felt as if it was going to be okay. Either of us would have a meltdown, but we'd have each other to try and comfort one another. No one had the ability to get me to calm down as fast as she did... no one had the knack to completely divert a meltdown from happening like she did... No one else, in the last 20 years of my life, has had the ability to make me laugh and smile as much as she did.. often from just being near her... Now I feel as if I'll never smile again, and that I screwed up by not letting her do what she felt she needed to do.. but I felt so betrayed by the admission.. and so hurt by the fact that, she was basically telling me, that the person whom she had said "Completed her" wasn't sufficient... I had asked her numerous times, if, she was okay with the idea of me being her last sexual partner... and she said yes every time.. but apparently that just wasn't true. I was so hurt that I lashed out at her on the telephone and said horrible things to her, using her past as a weapon against her.. but that's cause I could hear him talking to her while she was on the phone with me.. and it just made me so angry.. I know I can never take back the things that I said during that moment of hurt and pain and doubt.. but It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it.
I vacillate between hating her, and just trying to convince myself that my friend is dead and this is a pod person. I keep having dreams and nightmares that i'll wake up from this and everything will be back to the way it's supposed to be. I really just keep trying to wake up from this and find my friend still being my friend.. I wish I had said no to her idea of us being a couple... I miss having some one to talk to who understands the way I see the world the way she did.. I just miss my friend...
14 Dec 2012, 10:27 pm
