Modern Love, Aspergers + Marriage by David Finch

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This guy, David Finch, just came out with a book...which I was googling and came up with a link to this article he wrote in 2009 when his wife realized he is an Aspergian.



For all of you who write, piss and moan about relationships and love and possible partners, this is a compelling read, from the NY Times...

That was wonderful!
If only every Aspie could be married to someone who's familiar with the disorder.

I agree, if only we all could be so lucky

Where do I find a woman like this?

uwmonkdm: Understanding goes both ways. I'm AS and dating someone who is PDD-NOS. It's not the same thing as AS but all of the overlaps are really similar, minus 2 major areas in his case. Even being AS sometimes we have misunderstandings - usually over lack of theory of mind issues. I've kind of learned to adapt because I've known about mine longer, so I go through it first intellectually in an exercise putting myself in his place whenever there is a misunderstanding but he hasn't learned how to do that yet, mainly because he hasn't known about it until very recently.

Bottom line is if both of you aren't activity doing it - it's not going to be a good recipe. That doesn't mean young women aren't out there who won't suit you, you just need to look at how much effort you are willing to put in during misunderstandings and make sure you have somebody who is willing to put the same amount of effort in for them too.

Thanks for the responses. For now I'm just staying single (I haven't been single for more than a handful of months over the last 5 years ) and waiting for the right one to come along

That's a wonderful story that made me smile, what a wonderfully patient wife he has. I love how they made communication part of his daily routine so it became easier for him. We may not have these natural instincts automatically installed into us but its never too late to learn with the right support.

It's really great to see that his wife is so dedicated to understanding him. There are certainly a lot of people who are capable of understanding Asperger's. From my own experience, it takes dedication, a lot of patience and understanding to be able to make things work. Once the understanding is there and clear communication is established, it should be a lot easier for the Aspie to be able to compromise with the NT.

I found that when I started changing my mindset to the way my boyfriend's mind worked, things started to improve a lot. When I started understanding my boyfriend's behaviours and shared my knowledge of Asperger's with him, it took a while for him to open up and begin discussing it with me properly, but he eventually opened up to me completely about it. I found that the more I mentioned it and demonstrated my understanding, the more he became comfortable talking to me about it. It helped a lot once that understanding was established because then he started to understand me a lot more as well and we are now able to communicate our needs effectively.

I think that with the right resources that anybody dedicated enough can work through Asperger's. It's all about understanding from both the NT and the Aspie. All romantic relationships require work to be put into them for them to be successful and they aren't always easy.

I knew from the moment that I met my Husband that something was off, But I thought because I had been in so many unhealthy relationships with NT's that being with one of the Good guys ( as his sister described him to me was going to really change my life) It certainly has. I ignored all my Clinical experience's with special needs children and life experience of being a mother of a special needs child whom had passed away 10 years earlier. I ignored all of these things because he seems to be so tender and genuine, which he really can be. I try to research all that I can and talk with him and get us on the same page. But there are some days like today that I am left drained.

His behavior this weekend has left me feeling so unvalued over something that would normally seem trivial. This has been going on for two years and I am so beyond frustrated and would love to hear some advis on how I can combat this little thing that has become much larger that it should be.

My Husband won't leave my Beverages alone!
Friday I had a cup of tea as I was cleaning the house, I would come to it every so often as a little break, and once again it is missing, I asked him where is my tea and he looks at me like Uh OH! and says it looked out of place in such a clean room I can make you another. I just shook my head and said forget it.

Saturday I had a cup of Orange Juice and got up to go check my facebook account and when I came back a few minutes later it was gone, I looked around and saw the empty cup sitting next to his glass of beer and I asked him DId you take my OJ, He looked at me again like Uh OH! and he said I thought you were done with it so I added it to my beer. I pretty much lit into him and told him he needed to start asking me and stop making assumptions, I was so mad I had to leave the room.

Sunday, I ate my dinner with a glass of wine and decided I wanted too drink the remainder of my cup later in the evening. Took it in the kitchen and went about a painting project I was doing, When I finished I came looking for my Wine glass to find it emply. I asked honey where did my wine go, Once again he looked at me like a two year old and said should have I gotten myself a beer instead.

What is going on with this, Does he not remember the conversations ? I am absolutely bewildered. This obviously is just the tip of the iceburg I could right a book on trivial little things that have become mountains and I wish I could find a way to communicate to him in a way that It would register.

In the past the only things that have seemed effective has been severely emarrassing moments. When we first were married and merged our families, he was having severe OCD Behaviors one being a problem with flushing the toilet's. I tried talking to him and he seemed to understand, But the behavior did not stop until one of my teenage Son's totally was inappropriate and spread the issue on Facebook. I was so embarrased for my husband and furious with my son. But the behavior stopped after that, Do we have to do things that extreme to get him to Respect us ?????

The funny thing is that I can identify with his drinks issue (I have no problem with flushing the toilet, other than trying to decide whether to wash my hands before opening the door on my way out or after I've opened it!). Firstly, from my point of view, the drinks thing is not a lack of respect for you, just a lack of understanding of what you wanted from him. Secondly, it's 3 separate occasions and on each one he did a different thing with the drink, two of them for different reasons. I know we're all different, but to me I would probably need to be told after each occasion that you'd rather I didn't clean your cup away or drink it or add it to my drink. I need clear rules, so hints don't work and even when I know the rules I often forget them when I'm thinking about something else. Plus knowing when is the right time to do/not do something is when it gets difficult to decide whether to do/not do something. For me, the best way would be to give him a rule of never touching your drink - that way he can't go wrong. And if he does it again, make a 'Don't touch it!' sign and pop it on your drink when you leave the room. Sounds odd when I write it down, but that would be enough to stop me doing it - I'd need to have a habit of doing nothing to the drink to not do it when I felt like it!