Social blunder turns into nasty spouse argument: HELP!

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We went to a restaurant that we haven't been to for a while, where everyone is very friendly with us, because they've known us for years. I haven't had large social exposure for 3 months because I was recovering from an illness.

From the moment we walked in, we were surrounded by people asking how I was and they were glad to see me again and so glad I didn't die (they knew I'd been ill), and I was totally unprepared for all the attention so I went into a kind of social mode and was telling people's story, but while I'm smiling and talking, I feel really put on the spot and confused.

Blunder 1: My wife meets an acquaintance and asks me, in front of her, if if like to sit with her, OR if I would be more comfortable at a cushy booth (because I ha surgery and am still recovering). Well right then i was in "social agreeable mode" so I was like sure lets sit here and I'll be ok. Well my wife inwardly was surprised at that answer, and inwardly had been hoping the booth question would prompt me to give a booth answer, which I did not. So now we were eating with this lady.

Blunder 2:While we were there, one of our friends asked me to meet this other, older couple, because they wanted to talk about my illness and share alternative medicine tips. I was like ok... But I didn't really want to buy I got up and went over to this couple, and what I thought was going to be very brief ending up taking like 45 minutes.


It was just a short conversation that kept rolling, and I didn't know how to back out, but towards the end this older couple was finished with their dinner so they are now making to leave and I know I haven't introduced my wife so I try to get her, but she was leaving for the WC or something and i didn't even get to do that.

Afterwards she asked me why, i didn't want to eat with her, and just left her at that table, and why she is not important enough to me to introduce her, and why would I sit on a hard chair instead of a booth when all this time before, I chose a booth. I tried to explain it was because of all the people and I was out of practice and I was sorry, but she insists its because I don't love her or care for her( keep in mind she's suffered these kinds of things before so she has a low tolerance now) and tells me if I need to practice her being important, then why am I married to her?

blunder 3: i tell her I think the world of her (and I really do) and it was just a social blunder, but she asked me for hours afterward the same thing, because she doesn't believe me and wants me to be honest. Well after so much interrogating i become anxious, defensive, frustrated, and finally angry, and when I raise my voice now I'm in trouble for that. How do I fix this? I don't know what to do. Can anyone relate to this?

It seems as though your wife interpreted your actions as signs against her and she feels unloved somehow by them. Sometimes Nts like to see expression of love through their partner's actions. The argument is dwelled on for way too long and she seems very sensitive to these issues. Sopme people need a lot of time to get over little things such as what you went through. She perhaps isn't believing your simple words of mouth and needs more proof of affection and love from you. Any ideas how you can effectively express your care for her? The only thing I could think of is to hang in there and keep assuring her that your intentions were not what she was thinking and to reinforce your love and care for her. Sometimes NTs need to feel and hear their significant other express(even constantly for some) love to them on a regular basis.

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Thank you, yes she does like love expressed through action. When I feel it and it doesn't show, or even worse, I do something that seems rather unfeeling, neglectful, or selfish, what I perceive as a rather simple miscommunication is taken much more personally by her. She told me she needs me to be kind, and for my actions to match my words. I guess she's upset, and I just need to give her time to cool down; I guess there's nothing I can do to abate her belief that I didn't want to have dinner with her and like yelling. It's just hard to endure her drilling me over and over, my nervous system goes into overload, the adrenaline kicks in, and it becomes very hard to think.

I'm really starting to feel that the complexities of marriage are beyond what I can practice and train for, and my relationship is too bruised and battered (metaphorically) to recover. I can't imagine life without her, she is my world, and it hurts when someone you love so much thinks you don't even like them.

Thanks for your advice. I'll hang in there.

Are you in a nuero-diverse relationship? If so, are you happy? If so, is it only because you are willing to not have certain things in your relationship? If so, is your sig other equally compromising? Thanks for your input!

I always expect my partners to interpret everything I say and do in its most literal and direct possible sense. I find it really unattractive when they don't do this, especially after I tell them to, because it shows that they don't believe me when I say things, and/or they are unable/unwilling to put any kind of effort into the relationship or use any kind of self-restraint.

Is your wife also AS?

I hate when someone asks me the same thing over and over again expecting a different answer, thinking I don't understand the question or that I must not be being honest. It's almost always the case that I comprehend just fine, they're just not accepting or believing my answer - and that's their perception problem, not my failure to communicate anything. This happens more with other AS people than with NT's is why I asked if she's also AS.

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Hi,
I am new here. I am a 42 year old NT. I have been dating a 49 yr old aspie. We communicate mostly through Skype. We did spend 16 days together when he came over from Scotland. (I'm in the US) He is the first aspie i have dated. I was married to an NT for almost 8 years.
I see the mistake that was made. How long have you been married? She should be able to accept that you made a social error. While it will take time for her to get over it here is what you can do in the mean time to show her you love her.
Tell her that you are taking her out on whatever date. tell her what time you will be picking her up.
Make all the plans to go out to nice, small, quite restaurant. Bring her flower, lots of roses when you knock on the door of your house to pick her up.
if you see any friends while at the restaurant and they start talking to you say, "i'm sorry i can't catch up with you right now, i'm on a date with my wife. i'll call you (or whatever)
before the date you could write her a letter telling her "I am so sorry our dinner out was ruined by my social mistake. i became so overwhelmed i couldn't think straight. i love you. i have always loved you and i always will. you are the most important thing in my life. you know i'm an aspie and i might make this mistake again. lets plan that the next time it happens you tell me "Aharon (your name) please come sit with me and talk to your friends later." I didn't mean to hurt you and i am sorry." you could also say these things to her but this way she doesn't start asking you 5 million questions increasing your stress.
if she does ask questions like why did you do that? how could you have forgotten that i was sitting over there waiting to eat with you. tell her, remember, i'm an aspie and sometimes my brain just doesn't make obvious connections.
other things you can do are the housework around the house that she normally does. run her a bath for when she comes home from work and put rose petals in the water. buy her favorite wine. have flowers delivered to her work or bring them home. not gas station flowers, go to a real florist.
give her a massage, take care of the kids so she can have some alone time, buy her a nice pair of earrings. take out the trash without having to be asked. whatever small things you can think of she will notice.
she should be more use to these things happening not less as time goes by. right now in my situation we are still getting to know each other and so i am still learning more and more about my boyfriend. i posted some questions in my blog (i think i did. as this is my first day i don't know if i did it right) in case your interested.
i hope this or whatever else advise you get works and things are patched up.
good luck!

These are great suggestions to show love.

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