Real Life > OkCupid (a thread for the Guys)

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Herman
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Joined: 3 Jul 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 170

10 Jan 2014, 11:21 pm

This is a message to the guys out there, beating themselves to death trying to find a way to even make a woman look at your profile.

Face it, internet dating sites are weird. Women of any kind end up on a magical lofty pedestal where they expect every fella to be in the top 0.5% of good looking. Have piles of money, exciting lifestyle, but with a stable grounded job. More often than not, women will have an impossible list of contradicting desires, so even when going on dates they will lead nowhere as no guy is perfect. My sister has been on it for a mere 2 weeks and I have confirmed so many suspicions.

It is no place for awkward aspie guys, seriously forget about it.

But all is not lost, if you are capable of even getting a profile VIEW. That is that you are not horrendously ugly, and can behave just a little charismatically. Then the REAL WORLD is your oyster. I have only had this epiphany recently as I have had a long tendency to be quite reclusive. I also put on a lot of weight over the past few years and spent all my time in solitary activities like going to the gym and fantasising about the real world.

I recently snapped out of my reclusive insociable ways and have realised something quite magical. Beautiful, kind and interesting women are out there, all over the place. I cannot believe I have been so blind all these years. It is a bit like in school when I could only think about girls who were in the exact same year, I was blind to the idea of girls a year lower or higher and also the massive girls school just down the road. Open your mind some.

Maybe a large part of it is that I have matured just enough to be socially compatible with NT's and I know enough about myself and what I stand for. I was very lost and confused for a long time, lost in my own world thinking about myself and my problems. If I am honest, I was in no way ready to connect to another human being, I am only just about there now.

Something that helped me a lot was doing a little bit of travelling this year and meeting interesting people through couchsurfing. I got thrown into totally unfamiliar situations and embarassed myself many times. But learnt a lot and connected with some great people. This made me realise the wonderful friends and intellectual peers that your little aspie head has probably fantasised about do indeed exist, and there are plenty of them. Go into the world and do stuff, you will find them.

But anyway, to end on a climax of sorts where the hand of fate seemed to be teaching me a lesson most comprehensively. I am one to think quite slowly, I figure things out shortly after something has happened, I hesitate and miss out on things ALL THE TIME.
I went into the city centre yesterday for a dental appointment. I was late, but a charity collector who was an absolutely stunning 10/10 early 20's redhead went out of her way to approach me, we exchanged some brief flirtatious giggly looks as she half tried to deliver her pitch but I really had to leave. And dammnit, my appointment would be over 2 hours long! I was dead set on coming out to talk to her afterwards.

Well to my surprise, once I finally go into the dentists room, it happened to be a stunning black haired mid 20's female dentist and to my shock she was really nice, there seemed to be somekind of chemistry going on for sure, she totally dropped any effort to be clinical and professional and was being very much herself, and doing things slowly, at ease with me, like a friend. I could tell she was not the overtly extrovert type, but more demure. I realised afterwards that this was her version of flirting! Leaving sooo much unnecessary time between tasks. After leaving the place, fate threw me even ANOTHER rope which I failed on. Turned out I was the last patient so she left and I saw her in the mall outside which I was also in! I was so nervous that I strolled off for a pysch up and came back, but it was too late. She was gone!!

Third time, perhaps lucky;
I had a strange inkling that I really should go check out a very particular outdoor clothing store that was pretty far away, in search of a particular item they were unlikely to have. But I did so, and who came to me while in the store? A outrageously stunning Spanish girl, I do not lie - any sane man would do insane things for her, to say perfect 10 is insulting. But what else, she has exactly the kind of temperament I get on well with. Which is extremely rare on its own. She is kind of terrible at her job not knowing anything about the products or where they are and also has a strong accent which plays right into my hands as I get plenty of opportunity to talk to her, which extends to pleasantries like asking where she is from and her time in this city.
I come to the point of exchanging details with EASE but seems almost like fate was trolling me all along. She does not know her mobile number and does not have FB, and I do not know my new phone number either. Crumbs!
I know I have my phone number in my email account but for some reason my internet is dead, fail again!
So I end up leaving, just giving her my email address scrawled onto a scrap of paper. Not ideal! I also did a poor job selling myself and the fun things we could do, for example I am in a band - I shouldve told her this! I know of a specific party in a couple weeks, but I forgot to mention it all.
On the bright side, she did tell me that she works there everyday, and seemed quite comfortable and happy around me. Nothing like the other two girls I met that day but I have a feeling she is the best of the three, that we would get on a lot as friends and have things in common. I do not have the money to measure up to a dentist, and the Redhead was more of a party girl, maybe too much for me to handle.

Listen to me! I am a Grade A awkward aspie nerd (whom is also reclusive and has depression), never had a girlfriend. But with knowing who I am/what I want, getting my head out of the clouds and into the real world, knowing how to recognise positive traits in people that are important to you, recognising needs & vulnerability* - all of this allowed this magic to happen. And it will continue! (* any sign of needs & vulnerability IS flirting)

I have very high, specific and complex demands out of a relationship which I long thought were impossible, believing that online dating sites like POF and Okcupid were representative of the real world was part of the reason it seemed impossible. But my eyes have been opened, the real world is so much better.

Two easy Lessons;

Be attractive physically and "always be on". This means for a start, look fit, healthy and ideally athletic. You are mostly braniac aspie nerds here right? This stuff is NOT hard to do. The latter part of always "being on" is dressing well, in every aspect of your life. Good clothes are NEVER a waste of money. So when shopping, going to college classes, to the gym, whatever... always be looking dignified, stylish and fashionable. ALWAYS.

When an opportunity arises, act immediately. If you are looking for a partner that has something in common with you, like a friend. This will be easy, half done for you. Project your personality all the time with everybody and people will bite, be friendly back. All of a sudden, out of the blue some of these people maybe attractive women of a similar age. Just continue what you are doing, talk and behave like friends. This is what NT's do! it will not be strange AT ALL if you exchange details and mention a cool event that maybe they should check out.

Well, that concludes my post. Hope you learned something guys.
Im a going to visit the Spanish girl at work on Monday with some ideas. This is a lot of fun!



warsend
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 132

10 Jan 2014, 11:38 pm

Herman wrote:
This is a message to the guys out there, beating themselves to death trying to find a way to even make a woman look at your profile.

Face it, internet dating sites are weird. Women of any kind end up on a magical lofty pedestal where they expect every fella to be in the top 0.5% of good looking. Have piles of money, exciting lifestyle, but with a stable grounded job. More often than not, women will have an impossible list of contradicting desires, so even when going on dates they will lead nowhere as no guy is perfect. My sister has been on it for a mere 2 weeks and I have confirmed so many suspicions.

It is no place for awkward aspie guys, seriously forget about it.

But all is not lost, if you are capable of even getting a profile VIEW. That is that you are not horrendously ugly, and can behave just a little charismatically. Then the REAL WORLD is your oyster. I have only had this epiphany recently as I have had a long tendency to be quite reclusive. I also put on a lot of weight over the past few years and spent all my time in solitary activities like going to the gym and fantasising about the real world.

I recently snapped out of my reclusive insociable ways and have realised something quite magical. Beautiful, kind and interesting women are out there, all over the place. I cannot believe I have been so blind all these years. It is a bit like in school when I could only think about girls who were in the exact same year, I was blind to the idea of girls a year lower or higher and also the massive girls school just down the road. Open your mind some.

Maybe a large part of it is that I have matured just enough to be socially compatible with NT's and I know enough about myself and what I stand for. I was very lost and confused for a long time, lost in my own world thinking about myself and my problems. If I am honest, I was in no way ready to connect to another human being, I am only just about there now.

Something that helped me a lot was doing a little bit of travelling this year and meeting interesting people through couchsurfing. I got thrown into totally unfamiliar situations and embarassed myself many times. But learnt a lot and connected with some great people. This made me realise the wonderful friends and intellectual peers that your little aspie head has probably fantasised about do indeed exist, and there are plenty of them. Go into the world and do stuff, you will find them.

But anyway, to end on a climax of sorts where the hand of fate seemed to be teaching me a lesson most comprehensively. I am one to think quite slowly, I figure things out shortly after something has happened, I hesitate and miss out on things ALL THE TIME.
I went into the city centre yesterday for a dental appointment. I was late, but a charity collector who was an absolutely stunning 10/10 early 20's redhead went out of her way to approach me, we exchanged some brief flirtatious giggly looks as she half tried to deliver her pitch but I really had to leave. And dammnit, my appointment would be over 2 hours long! I was dead set on coming out to talk to her afterwards.

Well to my surprise, once I finally go into the dentists room, it happened to be a stunning black haired mid 20's female dentist and to my shock she was really nice, their seemed to be somekind of chemistry going on for sure, she totally dropped any effort to be clinical and professional and was being very much herself, and doing things slowly, at ease with me, like a friend. I could tell she was not the overtly extrovert type, but more demure. I realised afterwards that this was her version of flirting! Leaving sooo much unnecessary time between tasks. After leaving the place, fate threw me even ANOTHER rope which I failed on. Turned out I was the last patient so she left and I saw her in the mall outside which I was also in! I was so nervous that I strolled off for a pysch up and came back, but it was too late. She was gone!!

Third time, perhaps lucky;
I had a strange inkling that I really should go check out a very particular outdoor clothing store that was pretty far away, in search of a particular item they were unlikely to have. But I did so, and who came to me while in the store? A outrageously stunning Spanish girl, I do not lie - any sane man would do insane things for her, to say perfect 10 is insulting. But what else, she has exactly the kind of temperament I get on well with. Which is extremely rare on its own. She is kind of terrible at her job not knowing anything about the products or where they are and also has a strong accent which plays right into my hands as I get plenty of opportunity to talk to her, which extends to pleasantries like asking where she is from and her time in this city.
I come to the point of exchanging details with EASE but seems almost like fate was trolling me all along. She does not know her mobile number and does not have FB, and I do not know my new phone number either. Crumbs!
I know I have my phone number in my email account but for some reason my internet is dead, fail again!
So I end up leaving, just giving her my email address scrawled onto a scrap of paper. Not ideal! I also did a poor job selling myself and the fun things we could do, for example I am in a band - I shouldve told her this! I know of a specific party in a couple weeks, but I forgot to mention it all.
On the bright side, she did tell me that she works there everyday, and seemed quite comfortable and happy around me. Nothing like the other two girls I met that day but I have a feeling she is the best of the three, that we would get on a lot as friends and have things in common. I do not have the money to measure up to a dentist, and the Redhead was more of a party girl, maybe too much for me to handle.

Listen to me! I am a Grade A awkward aspie nerd (whom is also reclusive and has depression), never had a girlfriend. But with knowing who I am/what I want, getting my head out of the clouds and into the real world, knowing how to recognise positive traits in people that are important to you, recognising needs & vulnerability* - all of this allowed this magic to happen. And it will continue! (* any sign of needs & vulnerability IS flirting)

I have very high, specific and complex demands out of a relationship which I long thought were impossible, believing that online dating sites like POF and Okcupid were representative of the real world was part of the reason it seemed impossible. But my eyes have been opened, the real world is so much better.

Two easy Lessons;

Be attractive physically and "always be on". This means for a start, look fit, healthy and ideally athletic. You are mostly braniac aspie nerds here right? This stuff is NOT hard to do. The latter part of always "being on" is dressing well, in every aspect of your life. Good clothes are NEVER a waste of money. So when shopping, going to college classes, to the gym, whatever... always be looking dignified, stylish and fashionable. ALWAYS.

When an opportunity arises, act immediately. If you are looking for a partner that has something in common with you, like a friend. This will be easy, half done for you. Project your personality all the time with everybody and people will bite, be friendly back. All of a sudden, out of the blue some of these people maybe attractive women of a similar age. Just continue what you are doing, talk and behave like friends. This is what NT's do! it will not be strange AT ALL if you exchange details and mention a cool event that maybe they should check out.

Well, that concludes my post. Hope you learned something guys.
Im a going to visit the Spanish girl at work on Monday with some ideas. This is a lot of fun!


I don't agree with the pedestal idea at all. You think girls would be on a dating site if that was the case? (Lets be honest, they aren't gonna find the "0.5 in good looking" there, those guys are likely taken).

I get 10 profile views a week and I live an hour away from the closest girl to me, so that isn't a problem... I relocated to my college town and got 5 in the first 2 days.

Of course real life > OKC...that's obvious.

Also, I don't think it's a coincidence she didn't know her phone number...she could be interested, though it could be a sign to tell you she likes you just as a friend. I wouldn't go there just to see her, she could get the wrong impression of you. If you do see her, be cool and mention the party and make sure to see what her response is like. Just don't hang around too much



Herman
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 3 Jul 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 170

10 Jan 2014, 11:50 pm

No dude, I have a full understanding of the situation with her. We talked for a while in a very relaxed friendly way and she was very open with me. I dont know my number either! Someone who just got here from abroad would have changed number, so very expectable.

I dont expect you to get it if you werent there, she told me her name, about her family and her work schedule. We are basically friends already (and I could tell she would enjoy a visit), and this is what I want anyway. Yes she happens to be outrageously stunning but that is a separate issue, for me friendship is most important and forms the basis of intimacy. Maybe different for others, but I am attracted to character.

A few weeks ago I asked a girl I did not know out for the first time (receptionist at an office) she didnt call back and it was easy to assume that she was not into me. But I was forced to see her again (had to go to the office!) and she was happy to see me there, we had a friendly natter, she was blushing a little and told me she never called because she was feeling shy!

yes dammnit, I finally know how to read women. At least the ones I care about.



aspiemike
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11 Jan 2014, 11:20 am

Shyness in my experience with a girl is a form of politeness. I have had this discussion recently with a friend as well. Shyness in a guy however is always going to be taken the wrong way.

My girlfriend wasn't giving me all the signs that I was used to seeing that someone was interested in me. But it took a while of getting to know her to realize that she was in fact attracted and interested. Her body language changed when I decided that I was going to try and stop smoking (she started playing with her hair). She became more direct about things she likes and dislikes as well. She was always laughing and smiling in my company. The final sign was a night out with other friends and she appeared more interested in another guy, but turned down his offer to give her a ride home to come with me instead. A couple days later she stopped replying to texts. So I called her and asked her out and she said yes.


_________________
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You are very likely an Aspie


The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Jan 2014, 5:24 pm

What I said in another thread:

Quote:
buffinator, people usually don't set dates on the same day of an important meeting, this "meeting" is a simply a common excuse girls prepare and come up with to get an easy exit if 1- the date was creep/threatening or which most common 2- found the date unattractive, either way the girl would want to terminate the date quickly.

A fact: Girls on dating sites don't process like guys.

I always notice guys analyse and invest way more emotionally on a first date, and even if they are not so wow'ed by the girl they still be wanting to have a second date hoping to get to know her more and develop some bond (feeling/love/attraction whatever) with her. And even if there was no wow as well, guys are way more likely to give second chances to girls, in other term guys are more systematical and think in phases and steps.

On the other hand, girls typically don't process the online dating in this systematical way but rather they go dichotomy on the very half hour of first date (0 or 1, YES or NO), they are way more fast-paced: If not Wow'ed on first date (chemistry) ---> block/cut off first date --> time for NEXT Guy!! No second chance for the same guy, and they would only invest emotionally and have a second date with the guy who brings them the "wow" factor on the FIRST date. That's simply because girls have a large supply of ready-dates in their inbox, so they think it's a safer bet to find this wow factor with the next guy than giving a second chance to the same guy.

In real life (not thro dating site) and through a normal life, the genders go through more balanced expectations and steps, guy meets girl by chance and they both go into gradual phases of knowing each other, it's not necessary for the girl to be ultimately impressed when she first meets the guy but she might end up developing feeling after knowing him deeper.