How can I tell a man to back off a bit?

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There's this man who seems to like me, and he's married with a family and is like in his late 60's. I do like older men but not that old, and he is not my type anyway. I don't know him that well, I just see him around and have had him on Facebook for a couple of years now. He doesn't live in my local town but he lives in the town I get the bus to sometimes. I don't find him dangerous or creepy, and I know he is just being nice and means well when he says things like I'm a really nice person and I look stunning, etc. But he keeps on sending me messages on Facebook asking if we can go out for coffee and won't let up. I've been putting it off and making excuses, but he still won't give in. All this time I have been polite and friendly enough but I have not shown any sign of interest in him at all, and I don't flirt with him or anything. I don't know if he's just ignoring the fact that I'm not interested in that way, or if he really hasn't picked up on how I feel. They say NTs can pick up on everything but I'm not so sure if it's the case all the time, especially when it comes to love. Some people just get so carried away with love that they don't stop to think that this person doesn't really want it. I've even lied and said I already have a boyfriend, and he was all like ''oh that's really nice, hope he treats you well as you deserve it'', but is still bugging me for going out for a coffee. I would do it as friends but I know he would want much more than that, and I don't know why a married man of that age seems so eager to take me out, as it is making me feel a little vulnerable. I know all this time he has been nice and has never put anything rude or smutty, but something about it still doesn't feel right to me. I wish he would just get the message that I'm only a young woman who is not interested in old married men in their late 60's who don't attract me and I am more interested in finding a man a bit younger who isn't married. I don't want to just delete him and I can't assume the worst and get him in trouble or anything, but I have a really hard time telling people how I really feel if it might upset them or make them feel rejected, especially if they are just trying to be nice. I thought he'd just pick up on how I feel and back off a bit, or if he asked me for an honest answer I would say in the politest way. I don't always reply to his messages on Facebook but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or if I'm being rude or what. What do you think I should do here?

I lived through almost the same situation (only gay related) with a man in his 60s who started out as a friend of mine, but, because of his constant invitations to date, I finally had to ignore all his e-mail messages, telephone calls, and other comments. I agree with you that, sometimes, people just don't see the social declinations that come their way. You have done what social conventions expect of you to turn away his advances. Just ignore him altogether from here on out. Good luck.

He is not being nice, he is being very pushy. He is ignoring the "fact" that you have a boyfriend already. He obviously doesn't care what his wife or children (?) think.

The fact that he is doing all those things and is that age and preying on a young woman - is disgusting.

Be very distant with him.

How do you know him?

I think this is one of those times when you need to take a stand and be very clear with the person, because he is obviously not "getting" a lot of why this situation is wrong.

First and foremost, he is married and has a family. That right there puts the nix on "going for a coffee." Why? Because it's completely inappropriate for a married man to ask a young woman out for a coffee. Unless a man is going to lunch with a young woman for reasons that she is a business associate, boss, employee, family member, etc, there is nothing appropriate about this situation when it's merely social. Think about being his wife for a moment -- how would you feel if you found out your husband had been persistently pursuing social contact with a much younger woman not only on Facebook but in real life? Wanting to get to know her better and meet her for coffee?? WTF?

You are perfectly in your rights to shut this down right now. Don't even just distance yourself -- I think this needs TELLING the man the truth, because it sounds like he could use the reality check.

You don't even have to get angry or be rude. The next time you see him face to face in that other town, take him aside and tell him calmly and nicely: "Look, I haven't been able to find a way to say this before now, but, the truth of the matter is, you are married and this is all really inappropriate!! You're a nice, friendly person and maybe coffee is just coffee, but really it's still not right. I'm sorry but it's best all around if I stop all contact with you. Your wife's feelings would be hurt if she knew about any of this."

If he tries to argue or insist that it's all innocent, don't even start reasoning with him, just stay firm but polite and repeat that it's inappropriate and it's time to cut off contact. You can say this nicely without being mean. And don't worry about his feelings -- he needs a wakeup call that what he's doing is pushy, bizarre and is the pursuit of cheating on his wife, however nice he's been so far. It's still inappropriate.

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I guess what I meant by distancing is to cut the friendliness. Don't be rude, but be firm, and cold. People listen to actions more than words. I wouldn't tell him he's a nice person. I would certainly tell him what he's doing is very inappropriate, yes. Back off after that and don't respond to him. If he keeps persisting, I would involve someone trustworthy to get him to back off.

He knows exactly what he's doing. He completely understands how wrong it is. He is just being pushy - AS or NT, nobody is that stupid.

"BACK OFF!! !"

Maybe in two steps, something like this:

The next time he asks you for coffee on facebook, respond something like: "For The 10th Time, NO!! !" Something brief and emphatic. Brief is important. Don't be drawn in to a long analysis or reasoning.

And then, if he asks you again, unfriend him or whatever (I am not a regular facebook user)

This.

Okay, fine, thanks a lot guys, trash my advice. Mine wasnt a "long" anything, I just figure there's no need to be suddenly all "NO! !BACK OFF!!

This isnt a f*****g rapist, just a very dim and pathetic near elderly cheater wannabe.

But do what you f*****g want. I'm 52 and my approach too has worked perfectly fine for me in a long life of getting rid of unwanted attentions. There's no need to be completely brutal every time. There's nothing wrong in still being humane to a person when they're not actually a danger, just a drag.

But nooooo, my experience means crap-all.

Never mind I guess I'm chopped liver. Fck it. I wont advise again.

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Last edited by BirdInFlight on 23 Jun 2014, 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What's the matter? Aren't people allowed to give their opinions too? Your advice was useful also.

My advice was promptly s**t all over by you just because I picked up your "distance" thing as not being enough. So you crapped all over my comments.

And then did it again by "This"-ing someone elses post that coincided with your own revised one.

Never mind, screw it. Nothing wring with everone having a different opinion, unless you all gang up and piss on the person offering the one differing opinion.

Fck off.

I'm not going to suppress my opinion just because it conflicts with yours. What if you gave bad advice? Would nobody be allowed to give their own for fear of upsetting you?

BirdInFlight, I don't think Smudge meant that your approach was wrong. Everybody has their own style of dealing with things, and it's useful to get a lot of different points of view and techniques.

My style would be to tell him, "Sure, I'd love to get together with you and your wife. Give me her phone number, and us gals will set it up." Hopefully, calling his "friend" bluff like that would shut him down completely. If he writes back and tries to make excuses, tell him, "Well I can't imagine why you'd be hiding her from me. We've been acquainted this long, and you haven't introduced your wife to me yet? That's silly. Come on, I'm sure she'd love to see who you're writing to on FB." I worded it like that to put the onus on him hiding his wife as if she's someone he's ashamed of. She's obviously not, (he should be ashamed of himself), so it suggests how ridiculous and wrong the scenario is.

But I kinda like games like that with people who act like jerks.

I don't think anyone was crapping over your response, just suggesting other advice. Your post prompted smudge to rephrase her definition of distancing oneself, but I don't think anyone attacked your post or even insinuated that you were wrong

But if it makes you feel any better, most people ignore my posts altogether.


Sure, he might be a jerk, but I don't like this kind of mentality. It's understandable, but I prefer not to think that way.

I can't really offer any advice other than that because I'm sixteen and almost no one has shown any sort of interest in me. But I think everyone here made good points.

Stop talking to him, or tell him that he needs to let it go or you will (and mean it). With some men, as long as you're allowing them to continue to make advances you're "open to being convinced". It stops when you stop allowing that element of mystery and possibility or when they get tired of asking.

I don't know----maybe say you want to be friends with him, but you just don't feel romantic about him. Tell him he's a married man and that you don't go out with married men--that you know of bad experiences when single people went out with married people.

If he persists, I'd tell him: "Please, let me have my privacy. Thank you." Tell him you have the right to associate, or not to associate, with any person.

If he still persists, I might start warning him to stop in no uncertain terms.