Im NT trying to understand my AS boyfriend

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ChloeBlack1988CPT
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03 Aug 2014, 6:53 am

This topic has probably been discussed many times but even if nobody replies I just feel I have to put this out there, I'm feeling so confused and angry and I don't know what to do (or if I even want to do anything for that matter)

I'm a 26 year old female (NT) and my boyfriend (he is 10 years older than me) of a few months is AS which I'm only now starting to learn more about. When we first met he was different and it was refreshing to a degree but there were things that struck me as a little odd but because I really enjoyed being with him I looked past it and ultimately found myself falling for him. I caught him one day having a very animated conversation with himself which at first he denied but then laughed and said yes he had been (also stating that his mom and sister do it to). He is very intelligent and knows a lot about history and general knowledge with a keen interest in politics. I think he has the ability to read a book and store all that information and process it in a way that when talking to you about it its not like a parrot reciting from a book (what I'm saying is it's not a photographic memory as such). I love to learn new things and conversations were interesting and though he was awkward on our first few dates it really endeared him to me. I used to tease him and call him a dork (not in a mean way but in an affectionate way obviously not knowing of his AS) when he did silly things but generally all seemed to be going really well and we were very happy.

Things were moving fast and his only two friends (a married couple) invited us round for a BBQ to meet me as they had heard so much about me. The seemed to like me and I got the seal of approval and they had said how happy they were that he has found somebody because he doesn't attach himself to people easily (this should have been my lightbulb moment). One evening we went out with said couple and I drank too much or my drink was spiked as I cant remember a thing from that evening and I was all over the place apparently just acting very unlike myself and I had only had a few glasses of wine. He promptly dumped me and said I had an alcohol problem and that he had never thought we were compatible from the start and that I'm not a bad person but not the person for him. I was of course devastated as we had just begun really getting close and he had said he loves me. Over the space of a month I tried calling him and texting but he just ignored me, to be frank I was desperate and it showed (I was humiliating myself asking him out for coffee to chat as friends and so forth). We met up a couple times and I broached the subject of getting back together where it would be promptly shot down by him, these meet ups always felt a bit awkward and eventually I decided to move on. For 2 weeks I didn't contact him or call him and I was starting to feel better and beginning to move on and had been on a very friendly date with somebody else (also an attempt to forget him). It was my birthday and he called me the next day saying happy birthday and sorry he's calling late as he forgot so I said thank you and he also mentioned that he had not heard from me in a while to I responded that I had not heard from him either and then the call ended. A few days later he texted me asking if he could take me out for a birthday drink so I said yes, we went out and had a few glasses of wine and then he kissed me out of the blue and said he's missed me so much and that even after the amount of times he's been horrible to me and treated me badly I stuck around and tried to be friends for which he is greatful because it shows what a great caring person I am. He said he'd do anything to make it work and that he loved me. I told him that he had been really mean and hurtful and said some very nasty things so it would take a while but I was willing to try. We did get back together and to cut this very long story short I ended up moving in with him a few weeks ago and it seems we have just been fighting non stop. He gets angry for the smallest of things that wouldn't bother most people and then blows up at me and never wants to talk about it as he says he hates listen to a broken record. I am quite a strong minded and stubborn person but I am also a very big nurturer who is probably over emotional (recipe for disaster I'm learning as I research AS more) so I cry and then he just looks at me with a void blank expression continuing that I have issues and that I'm not very bright (I finished school and he left school and got a trade certificate so of course that was hugely insulting).

Two nights ago we got into a fight leaving me bruised all over where he ended up dragging me from the lounge to the bedroom because I was in his space and refusing to leave, he had never been "violent" before this and it's left me angry as he's told me I need to leave as he doesn't love me and cant live with me, I should also seek counselling

At this point I don't know if it's worth saving - when it's good its great but when its bad it's really bad



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03 Aug 2014, 7:41 am

I don't think it matters how good it is, when it's good.

He can't control his behavior and has left you bruised all over, he's blaming you (can't live with you, you should go to counseling) after HE HURT YOU.

Run, and don't look back at what you've lost. RUN.

I don't think it would get better. But, if he wanted you, he'd have to take responsibility for keeping you safe, and you being there unfortunately encourages him to think this isn't a big deal.

This is a big deal, and you need to know that for both of you. Not rub his face in it, but act from knowing this.



ypi
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03 Aug 2014, 7:50 am

Hello. It's nice you're being open about this problem and discussing it. As an aspie, I'll do my best to help you. For me, violence is not an option. I have never bruised anyone. People are very diverse, including aspies, so some might be violent. Are you still in the same place? If you're in physical risk at any time, please do not hesitate in seeking help (or even police). Don't let him harm you.
I can understand he needed space and didn't know how to ask for space, leading to "blow up", but he should know that would happen when you started living at the same place. I can also understand blank expressions, but not insulting and violence. That "not very bright" sounded extremely rude to me. To sum it up, I think he's being very rude to you. I don't think anyone deserves to be continuously mistreated.
This guy just seems to also go out of what I know from aspies (and myself), and honestly, can't see why he would magically be someone better. You can talk to him to decide now what happens, but I can't see how it could get better out of this. If you think he might hurt you, please be careful and don't let that happen.



Waterfalls
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03 Aug 2014, 7:59 am

Yes, what Ypi said. On WR, you will read things that are different from the negative comments about AS partners that is written about on the internet where empathy is completely missing. What you read here is just as real, maybe more so as most of us are more direct than the average person. Like many here, I find it hard to lie.

On this website, there isn't much advocating violence. Though many of us have experienced violence towards us.

I don't think the behavior should be something you associate with AS. AS may predispose people to meltdowns, but not related to a man bruising you all over. Please don't waste your energy thinking about why, just leave. He does not sound able to be safe with you. If he were he'd have removed himself before he hurt you, IMO.



Marcia
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03 Aug 2014, 8:21 am

It doesn't matter whether he has autism or not.

He has been increasingly abusive and controlling towards you and now he has been physically violent. You have no reason to think that this situation is going to get better and all the signs are that it will get a lot worse.

Leave him now - run, run fast and don't look back.



aspiemike
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03 Aug 2014, 8:35 am

Violence is not an aspie issue in this case, not even close. The violence is assault, and there is no other way to look at being hit or bruised.
The words are verbally abusive. I was at that point once with some people in my past. I went around hating myself for some of the things I would say to people as well, and I was on the receiving end o a lot of verbal abuse growing up as well. I never bothered apologizing to a lot of people I said hurtful things to because I felt there was no way I would ever be forgiven (mind you, at that point, I had never forgiven those who were verbally abusive to me either). From looking around on these forums over the good chunk of two years, many Aspie men and women have issues when it comes to forgiveness as well. Wouldn't be surprised if your Aspie has the same issues.


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BirdInFlight
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03 Aug 2014, 9:24 am

Everything that Marcia posted. Get out of this right now. Aspie or not, there is no excuse and the behavior is not going to get better. Trust me, I've been there with a man who was difficult. He wasn't on the spectrum but displayed the same tendency toward violent reaction that your particular man has put you through, and believe me, it DOES NOT get better even with counseling. It isn't important whether this person is on the spectrum or not, that is the least of your concerns. This man is going beyond the pale and has now physically hurt you, dragging you around. Leave this all behind and don't look back, trust me.



kraftiekortie
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03 Aug 2014, 9:34 am

I was in the laundry when I saw this, with a phone which does not enable me to respond to posts.

Get away.... now! Aspie or no, the guy's abusive. Especially if he uses his Aspie-ness as an excuse for his actions.

Even if he begs forgiveness. Frequently abusers do feel bad about what they do--maybe because they were "caught" at it? Or they may even feel remorse for what they have done. No matter what the reason for his "remorse," abusers tend to repeat their acts--except in a more extreme matter each subsequent time they abuse you.

I second, third, fourth, and fifth, etc. all the previous responses.

This guy's a disgrace to the ASD community.



ChloeBlack1988CPT
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03 Aug 2014, 11:34 am

I may have sold him a bit short as he really isn't a terrible guy, he is genuinely kind hearted and can be very affectionate and sweet. The dragging thing was the first time it happened and though it wasn't okay for him to do that and I made that clear to him I think the fighting situation freaked him out so much that he just wanted me out of his space and when I refused he just didn't know what else to do. I'm not the kind of woman that would put up with any kind of abuse but I can't help but feel that this has a lot to do with his condition as well as his upbringing. He doesn't speak much about his childhood but a part of me just feels that it wasn't great. I'm not making excuses for him but whether or not we stay together I care for him enough to want to help him and not see him implode. I really do just want the best for him



ChloeBlack1988CPT
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03 Aug 2014, 11:37 am

I'm not sure what I can do to help him



Waterfalls
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03 Aug 2014, 11:46 am

ChloeBlack1988CPT wrote:
I'm not sure what I can do to help him

Help him by walking away, because he should have and didn't and one of you needs to--let it be you as he was not able to. This is the best advice it can give. I know it's hard, but walk away.



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03 Aug 2014, 12:54 pm

Chloe, even though the dragging incident seems to you like merely the desperate act of someone who just didn't know what else to do and was feeling agitated, he still had other choices -- and he chose something physical and disrespectful if not downright physically abusive. He could have walked out, he could have shut himself in the bathroom -- anything but physically manhandled you.

I know it's only the first time he's ever done anything like that, but guess what? Every case of a more serious domestic abuse actually began further back with one much less serious act that happened in the past, was the first time the guy had ever done anything like that, and he promised never to repeat anything like it. And then, he did, only it was escalated. Until the point where the woman is being outright hit

And this does in fact happen to women who "are not the kind to put up with any abuse." It can happen to even that type of woman who has never experienced a boyfriend doing anything like that before. It's a stereotype and a myth that the only people domestic abuse happens to are weak or meek women with low self esteem or a history of putting up with it. It does happen to those women but it also happens to women who are surprising victims you'd never think would allow it. But that's just it -- she thinks it was a one-time thing, he's never done that before, she's never had it happen before, thus it will never occur again.

It nearly always does, statistically.

He may be great in every other way, but this capability of choosing an abusive way to settle an argument or a situation that has become unbearable to him cancels out anything else great about him or your relationship. The great part is also cancelled out by that he's acted angry and has blown up over every little thing ever since you moved in with him. This is not a good sign. My ex did the same thing, and things only got worse from there.

I finally had to realize there was no way to work with him or help him. He was a deeply damaged person who may never be able to be helped. I had to give up thinking I could be the help he needs. He was harmful to my safety and happiness, and yes I had to give up the other side of him too, the part that was "a great guy" etc.

I know it's hard but what you have here statistically is a potentially spiralling situation in which his coping methods could get worse from here, as he's already shown he doesn't choose a good one.

Trust me. It's the hardest thing in the world but you have to get away from someone who even begins down this road. They do it again and it usually gets more serious. There are no excuses to be made. He has even told you he wants you to leave. There is really no alternative at this point -- I think he's made it very clear by both his words and his actions that this isn't working out.

.



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03 Aug 2014, 2:43 pm

What are you getting out of the relationship? Is it worth it? It doesn't seem so to me from your posts.

This guy seems to have less insight into his autism than you. He is not taking responsibility for his behavior and is blaming you. Don't blame his behavior on autism. Blame it on him being abusive and having a bad attitude. Are you willing to stay with him when he probably isn't going to change any time soon? How can he change when he blames you and does not see his behavior as the problem?



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03 Aug 2014, 3:20 pm

Well, I am hungry but I'm losing weight



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03 Aug 2014, 3:26 pm

Help him in the following way, have nothing to do with him. This will help him in several ways

1. He might work out that violence towards a woman equals girlfriend disowning him. This might reducate him (but I am not totally sure if wife beaters can be reformed)

2. It will help him stay out of prison if you stay away from him by throwing him out of your life, however he says sorry bear in mind he has crossed a line by getting physically violent with you. If he had been verbally offensive then I would say then you could resolve your problems.


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