Long term AS/AS just found out about other women

Post Reply New Topic

So I've been with my aspie guy for about 12 years. Early in the relationship and mid-way he had a porn thing going that he lied about/hid from me, etc. I thought it went away, haven't looked for anything or found anything by accident (how I found out before). Now he's looking at pretty women from his work on facebook.

I told him that is emotionally hurtful to me, how can I be his only one if he's thinking about other women?

He also lies to me and hides things he does from me. Will these things ever change or should I just gtfo? I don't have high emotional needs but I do need to trust my husband, that he isn't wanting to be with other women behind my back or possibly cheating on me.

What should I do? I asked him how he would feel if he found me looking at men on my facebook page? I also talk to guys rarely online through my game, world of warcraft and spoke with one this morning on vent, which was very uncharacteristic of me, he seemed not to care...

I don't understand this situation... can anyone help?

Well there seems to be two issues here, 1. It sounds like you are against him watching porn and 2. He is looking at pictures of women he knows. Here is my question, why do you care if he looks at porn or not? Are you concerned he might start going after other women if he gets off to watching other women in videos?

Porn is hurtful in marriages and degrades trust.

Kirayng, confront him with how hurtful this is to you, and how and why it hurts you emotionally.

Could you explain this to me?

The problems with "porn" are many and I will not address them all.

1. In the ideal world a person is turned on by their partner and the relationship is exclusive (the two people have made a commitment), looking at porn is a problem for many people as the non porn viewing partner may (rightly or wrongly) view the porn as a form of competion. It is degrading for a person to know that their partner would be rather watching a porno film than being with them.

2. Porn creates a series of unreasonable standards to live up to, I imagine that few if any porno films will have women who are "not in the mood" or men who never fail to have sex 20 times a day. I suspect that a regular porn viewer might start to get a distorted understanding of sex and relationships, they might start to compare their partner to some ideal they see on the screen which is impossible.

3. The production of porn often involves abuse of people, I suspect that many people who go into the porn industry are exploited. How does the "moral" and decent porn viewer know that he / she is watching "free range" porn where the porn stars are doing it of their own free will and are not abused ?

every person is different, just cos we have aspergers does not mean we would make the same choices.

I think you need to introspect into what your needs are, what your limits are and what you can and cant bear.

Then you need a discussion with him about what he is doing and thinking, and then you need to evaluate what he has said and weigh up what his real thoughts behind what he has answerred, what he wants and feels.

Then you need to make a choice of what is best for you based on that.

I often found the truth to my exes feelings by round about questions as he tended not to give distasteful (but the grim truth) answers when asked directly.

All I can say is that I'm so glad I'm only interested in ethically non-monogamous relations, because I definitely cannot see a problem with looking at porn or other women/men when in a relation. My dates and I will quite often point out other attractive people to each other and go "dude they're so hot!" and laugh about it with each other, or even flirt with other people whilst on a date. It's really fun and cute, to me. When in a more serious relation, we're always very open and will occasionally discuss other relations we're having at the time, just like one would talk about friends. It's very non-judgmental and comforting.

I can understand your consternations though, I suppose, so rationally discussing the matters with your significant other could prove to be beneficial.

Often the lying can hurt more than the acts. When someone hides things from us or lies to us, we lose trust. Trust is essential for relationships to work well.

He obviously knows he's hurting you, because it sounds like you've told him this before. But there's some need he feels is important enough to fulfill anyway. So what is that need? Are you two having sex regularly? Is there something about the sex he finds unfulfilling? Or is this entirely an issue he has with being drawn to porn and pictures?

Please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying it's your fault; I'm just asking if a lack of sex could be one thing that's upsetting him.

Found this book online:
The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. It's on Amazon. I haven't read it, but it looks pretty good. There also seems to be good books in the recommendations section of the Amazon page. Maybe having him read a book like this, or you too reading it together, could be helpful.

I had an ex who was addicted to porn and it was really upsetting. Not only was I finding tissues all over the floor by his favorite couch (as if he couldn't clean up after himself!), but he was very, very secretive about his computer. I never did learn what was on his computer. Porn, obviously... But what types of porn I don't know. I had the notion it was sadistic.

I don't think it means he's cheating on you, but that doesn't mean it couldn't eventually escalate toward that.

I agree with what some other posters said, to talk to him and tell him how you feel about it. I would try to stay calm while talking to him, and be gentle in your choice of words. Otherwise, it could lead to a big fight. I would maybe also tell him that knowing that he's viewing these things makes it harder for you to be yourself when the two of you are being intimate, that it makes you feel upset and that takes away from feeling sensual and sexual. (Not saying to threaten withholding sex, just saying to tell him it affects the quality of your intimacy together.)

I don't see why a guy (or girl) in a marriage for a long time is not allowed to look at other people. I don't see why porn is so bad either. Could be because I'm polyamory and accept such things myself, and I have no problem with my wife liking other men. I don't see it as competition either.

Yeah, I hear you. I think it depends on the couple and also the intensity/frequency. Even a polyamorous relationship could be negatively impacted if one person is so intense with watching porn that it's taking away from their sex drive with their partner.

I think casually looking at other people (passerbyers, for example) and finding them attractive, even thinking about them later in bed, is different than looking up coworkers online to get off to. Because when the guy goes to work, he's interacting with these women, and there's more of a possibility of a connection being built. Really it's the uncertainty that's the worst part: Is he hitting on that girl at work right now? Did they get friendly over lunch, is that why he's acting so weird tonight? Etc.

Sure. I think it is bad if the partner would want the sex instead, but sometimes a couple is mismatched on sex drive, and then the one with the highest sex drive should be allowed to use porn instead. Otherwise, the one with the lowest would need to accept more sex than wanted and the one with the highest less. For me, this is no problem as both of us are practically asexual.



Yeah, I see what you mean. That's part of the problem with being monogamous.

Ha, that's just good math right there! I agree, if there's a mismatch in sex drives, a compromise needs to be worked out, and the porn to fill in the gap makes perfect sense. If the other person has a particular issue with porn, I think it's on them at that point to offer another solution (whether it's agree to have more sex, or some other alternative, like photographs, phone sex, etc.). But sometimes the issue isn't a difference in sex drives-- it could be just a pure desire to have experiences through other sources (like porn), or it could be more complicated than that. One thing I've observed, from talking with a lot of couples, is that when women are stressed or upset, their sex drive tends to go down, whereas men-- not so much.

That's great you and your partner are well matched in this way. My husband and I are too (though not asexual), and it certainly makes life easier! I've read that the top two things couples fight about are sex and money.

I have a high sex drive where as most women don't. as odds are any woman i end up with won't match mine. I will need porn. I get horny alot and doing it once or 2 times a week won't be enough as I could do it multiple times a day(not including how often id want to pleasure her) so porn it is. don't see how its competition. as state it has to do with wanting to be with the partner but her/him not wanting to do sex.

as for 2 and 3. there is a lot more to porn then the professional stuff. I watch cam shows, reddit gonewild and related stuff, and ameture stuff. I never liked the faked professional stuff. I suppose I did start with soft core max porn though. I prefer stuff that is volunteer provided and enjoyed by the giver. so no abuse. luckly there are tons and tons of women who enjoy being seen and watched.

as for hiding it. Its embarrassing. frowned upon in society. I will hide it if I get a gf until she shows she is ok with it even still I don't think i'd want to do it in front of her. now if she is ok with making/providing pictures or video. I would rather that I do tend to get very loyal when in love and would rather not look at por as it feels wrong to look at other women. but if its no other choice then I go to porn.

this matter and the no sex before marriage is why I can't date extreme or modest Christians. makes dating modest ones a game of chance. hard to know who is open about sex or who is closed minded.

looking at? like he is on their profiles or looking at new pictures, or he is releiving himself to them?

lying and hiding stuff is person to person so hard to say. I can't lie to the person I love and am completely open. so I can't give insight to that.

nothing wrong with having friends of the other sex. if I got a gf who said I couldn't i would be wanting out of the relationship. I reley on women to connect emotionally and mentally. share my troubles and concerns. stuff you just can't do with guys.

where I would be concerned about is if he was talking to other women about having sex with them.
I talk to women about my sex life as part of my concerns but never about doing it with them.

might be why he didn't care you talked to guys. really not a concern. talk to the same guy for hours and hide the conversation or start chatting all sexy with him. this would concern me. though i talk to the same woman for hours. I'd be open and explain that she is a friend. ince gf's don't want their guy to share emotional stuff. I have to go to someone.

seems you two might need to talk and find a middle ground on the porn issue or find out why he desires it. if he is viewing those women from work for sexual things, then that is a issue and creepy. (i'll admit to finding women at work attractive, but I try very very hard not to think of them that way)

wish I could say more, but not there or know more of the background. good luck to both of you.

Thanks everyone for replies. I don't know about the porn thing, that was touched on a lot but I only mentioned it in passing.

The main concern is looking up pretty female co-workers to get off to while I'm not here.

So basically he's fulfilling sex needs elsewhere because he's hypersexual and 1-2 x a week isn't enough even though he has told me it's perfect (yeah, I guess it lets him do his own thing often too).

This behavior started about a month ago when I started a new job that had me staying later than his work let him out. So he might be seeing someone during those times. He's been drinking daily as well and being secretive about money going missing and can't account for where he was for hours at a time.

I really don't want to deal with this, tbh. I wish it weren't happening. The sickening part is he is laying it on THICK right now to keep me, and I just don't get why I should stick around, I've asked him why and he just says really lame things like "what will I do" (as in what will he do after I leave)....

I'm so sad...

I'm with others here in that I don't really care too much about porn...UNLESS it's being used to avoid intimacy. My lover looks at porn, and I don't really care because I know about it and I know he'd rather have sex with me and he's not secretive about it.

My husband on the other hand, hid his porn stash and seemed to highly prefer w*king to having sex with his wife. It was an intimacy and attraction problem in his case. So yes, I found his porn use VERY disturbing.

Porn aside....

I would be SERIOUSLY icked out about my guy looking at pictures of women he works with. 1) I'd feel that was a threat to the stability of the relationship. 2) That's pretty stalkerish and if they found out it could be construed as harassment. 3) It's a major judgement issue that threatens both his employment and your relationship.