Fixation on a girl who is in my class.

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Hello. My name is BuggZee. I am a 17 year old who has been diagnosed with Asperger's. I recieved my diagnoses from a child pediatrician in April of 2006, so almost one year ago. I am also attending councelling and I am scheduled to see a peditrician/psycholgist later this month. I would like to get some advice on relationships. I am rather embarrassed to say I have never had a gf. I have been fixated for the past 6 months in a girl that is in my history class. However, I ruined any sort of friendship I could have with her. The girl I like appears to be a flirt. One day she was with a boy and I presumed they were joking about me because the boy would always gesture towards me and call me over. In a fit a sent the girl a message over the computer calling her a s - - t(It's rather obvious what this word is.) I regretted it because I wasn't sure if she was really particpating in poking fun at me, however I am sure her male acquantance was. I use to stare at her in class and one day she stopped me outside of class to ask me why I always stare at her. I asked her why she was poking fun at me and she actually said she was telling the boy not to make fun of her. I didn't believe her and walked of. However, I now relaize through councelling that any interpretation of her actions may have been wrong. I would really like to start a relationship with this girl as she is single and very beuatiful. How do I make amends with her and start a relationship? She does NOT know I have asperger's as I never told her because I didn't it was significant. I did apologize for the name calling in person but she said it was too late for it. What should I do?

- BuggZee

BuggZee, hi.

I don't think the situation is a lost cause at all. Talk to her. Tell her you want to apologize for calling her that rude name and that actually you think she's nice. Explain that you've realized you don't interpret others' actions and signals like you wish you could. Say that you don't mean that as an excuse for saying the unkind thing and being rude to her, but that it's the reason the situation played out like it did. And that you felt bad and just wanted to her to know.

If you can't say it to her verbally, then write it down, give her the note. Just say hey, I want you to know something. And try to look her in the eye when you say that and be sincere and calm as you hand her the note.

Don't get into anything about how pretty she is or that you're interested or anything like that yet. Just clear the air. She'll likely respond positively. You can build from there. One step at a time, though.

Let us know how it goes, BZ.
DD

Okay, thankyou. Let's say your advice hypothetically works out well. How do I progress?

If the girl is promiscous, then stay away from her.
It will be a disaster if you find out if she is and go forward with the relationship anyway. Being with a promiscous girl is a bad idea & it could lead to something very terrible.

You're welcome.

Well, the aim is to get to know her a little better -- get a sort of low-key friendship going. You want to try to get a conversation going.

So, you might be able to parlay the apology into a conversation immediately. Make sure to thank her for understanding. And ishe might want to know about how you came to realize that you perceive signals a little differently than some do. If she does, be honest and ask her if she's ever heard of Asperger's. If she has, tell her that you've got it. If she hasn't, tell it's not a disease but it's a condition where people are wired a little bit differently. Then just take it from there.

Think about different things you might ask her about, too, so it's not just you talking about you. You could ask her why her bf was making fun of her. Ask her if she's okay with that. Or, just move on to a topic about class -- the homework or the upcoming test, etc. If at some point she says she's having trouble, you can ask her if she wants to study some time and that you'd be glad to help her and get in some study time, too. Offer her the choice of picking the study place.

Just be as relaxed as you can and nice. And take it slowly.

Also, make a point of studying how other guys talk to girls in the hall and in class. I bet if you study it like it's a special interest of yours, you'll pick up a bunch of pointers.

DD

Sorry, the boy wasn't and isn't her bf. He was making fun of me not her. That was a typo. Ive asked her if she's single and she says yes.

Got it.

That's even better yet...if she had been trying to avoid you, she might have said yes she does have a bf, even if she didn't.

So, the main thing is to get the sincere apology done. And, if that goes well, then proceed as discussed.

Gotta say, BZ, it kinda sounds like she was interested in you: sticking up for you when the guy was making fun of you, then telling you she doesn't have a bf.

However, you might go for the study together option before jumping into asking her out.

DD

any more advice?

Buggs, hi.

Read the post I just made to the thread that's -- I think -- right above this one.

It's something that I think all you young dudes need to know about girls.

DD

I just checked. It's the New Problem thread right below this one.

DD

Yeah, from what's been said, she sounds like she's potentially attracted to you. It would make sense that at first she wouldn't be completely willing to accept your apology. She may also be the type to hold a grudge, hard to say.

For her to tell you she is single, that means she wants you to know, or she has no idea that you would be at all interested in her. The fact that you asked and she answered, she would have to be completely oblivious to not recognize that. (If that's the case, STAY AWAY!)

DogDancer's right, though. Take things slow. That might not sound like the most enjoyable way, but it works better than taking things fast. If you drive 100 mph to your destination, you will get there faster. If you get there. The ride will be great, but the crash could be spectacular. Going the speed limit takes longer, but there's a higher chance that you will actually make it to where you were going. OK, enough with the bad metaphor. (Or is it an analogy? I suck at English terminology when I haven't yet had my morning coffee and cigarettes.)

If you assumed that she was "joining in" on the insulting, then it sounds like you don't know her all that well. (I don't think it is merely an issue of not getting / understanding the signals.) Get to know her better first. That will also give her a chance to get to know you better. Maybe things will go somewhere, maybe they won't.

If you didn't read the above quotation, read it now. And then again. Then read it a third time. Then go have a sandwich. THEN READ IT AGAIN. Then go watch some television, or do some homework. THEN READ IT AGAIN.

could lead to something very terrible would be better phrased as will likely lead to something very terrible. If nothing else, it is a fantastic personal hell to become attracted to someone, to be at all involved with them, and then to realize that you're nothing more than a last-ditch effort at a booty call when they're falling-over drunk. Also has this weird tendency to get to the point where you think "I'm over it," then shortly thereafter (days, maybe a couple weeks) have it end up right back on the same thoughts (but thankfully not the same activities).

Thank-you everyone for your advice thus far.

I have a bit more to add. This girl plays on my highschools volleyball team. Recently, she was featured in my city's local newspaper because her volleyball team is the best in the region (that is best out of approx. 16 highschools). When I meet with her would an appropriate subject be how she ended up in the newspaper perhaps?

I would also like to say this. I am no longer in any of her classes. I was in her history class last semester. I deliberately chose not to be in any of her classes because I felt my fixation on her was hurting me too much because I felt I would never be able to talk to her again because of what I did. I talked to my councillor at school about this today and she told me maybe it would be in my best interest not to share my Asperger's diagnosis with her because it's something I might want to keep to myself.

Anyways, at the beginning of the year when my class was in the school library the first person she asked to help her find a book was me. When I asked her why she asked me she said she thought I would know where to look. I was also the class rep during part of the semester and she asked me questions like "Have you ever been a class rep before?" One day when we had to go into groups I wanted to go with a friend who was also a friend of hers. When he told me he was pairing up with the girl he looked at her and said she has to say if its okay for me to join. She smiled and shook her head in approvle and I joined with her. I was a little bitter with her because of some troubles we had in the past and she said she was sorry for anything that she did in the past and just wanted to be freinds. Stupid me, so I blew it all away.

Buggs, it's totally up to you whether or not you want to share that you are AS.

You don't need to make it an initial topic of conversation -- but I'm for honesty. I think there's no shame in anyone knowing the truth. You just need to ask yourself how you would feel if lots of people knew. That's should guide you.

Then, if it feels like the conversation is headed toward why you have some issues with perception of social signals and some issues with social interactions, and you're okay with being open about it, then do it. But the timing of when you feel comfortable sharing this much information is strictly up to you.

Truly, I suspect she already perceives that you are different than the average duck. And her willingness to approach you and interact and include you indicates that not only is she okay with you being you, but that she's CURIOUS about you in a benign way.

She may or may not want to be anything more than friends with you. However, I'd say that there's a strong possibility that if you apologize for what you said, she'll accept it and be willing to be someone you can talk with. And that's a good thing in and of itself, right?

Keep us posted, guy.

DD

Oh, and Buggs, yeah -- asking her about the newspaper article is a GREAT idea! Excellent conversation topic.

DD

DogDancer,

It's also important to note that when I was in grd. 11 (Im now in grd.12) I did ask this girl out. However, at the time she had a bf and told me that even if she was single she wouldn't go out with me because she thought I lied to her alot. I asked a good friend of hers why she always talked to me in class and the rersponse she gave me was that she liked to get a reaction out of me. When I confronted her about that she denied ever saying it. I asked her out again this year but after I said the bad things to her and she said no. She has since broken up with her boyfriend because she said that he did something she didn't aprove of. However, for a long time she ws hessitant to tell me that.

Buggs,

It's still okay to talk to her. And for your own peace of mind, you probably do need to apologize for the thing you said. That's the right thing to do.

However, before you do initiate contact, you need to ask yourself how much it will bother you if, in fact, she is not interested in you in a romantic way. She might not be, and that's absolutely her choice. If she's not, can you handle that? Yes, that might hurt, but I'm asking -- could you deal with that?

I mean, if you initiate contact, you must do it with the understanding that it's to apologize and possible resume what seemed like a possible friendship. Anything beyond that is a case of work on it and see how things go. And who knows, they MIGHT go really well.

It's just that you shouldn't get your hopes up TOO high, or you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. If you can handle "just friends," then absolutely get the ball rolling.

If you CAN"T and you know it then you've got two choices: 1) apologize and then just move on -- period. 2) don't initiate contact at all and forget about it altogether.

It's up to you, BZ, but at this point, given what you've told us, you haven't done anything wrong other than that rude comment, and rude comments can be forgiven. I suspect she will forgive you and at least want to talk.

Let us know what you decide, guy.

DD