sexual harassment by so called "friend"

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rg456
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09 Oct 2014, 4:42 pm

so i a guy who also has asperger's who i thought was my friend decided to sexually harass me yesterday. i used to have a crush on him, and he definitely is crushing back. when we were together in a bike store and nobody was looking he asked me "you want to do some touching tonight when nobody's looking?". by touching i'm pretty sure he meant sexually touching each other. i told him i was uncomfortable with it and he also told me not to tell anyone about this. anyways how should i deal with him and what should i do if this kind of situation happens again?
thanks,
Sarah


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The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Oct 2014, 5:30 pm

So now verbally asking for sex or any sexual activity from a potential partner (you two are crushes who are aware of each other' crush) is considered a sexual harassment by itself? Is that a new trend like the PIV thing?

He didn't ask it in the most appropriate way but.... He asked! You said no! He moved on and did nothing to you. Would you have preferred if he touched you without asking you for your approval instead?

I can't see where the sexual harassment part has happened here.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 09 Oct 2014, 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cathylynn
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09 Oct 2014, 5:33 pm

this isn't sexual harassment unless he's your boss and you've asked him not to do it before. however, it was unwelcome. now that you've said you don't like it, it should stop. he probably is still your friend. if he doesn't stop, don't be alone with him anymore. you don't mention your age. if you're a minor and he doesn't respect your wishes, you could tell an adult you trust.



downbutnotout
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09 Oct 2014, 5:35 pm

As long as he respects no, you two should be fine. He might have thought that's where things were headed and it was an good time to ask about the kind of things people typically do as a couple (such as sex), which it clearly wasn't. If he bothers you about it, cutting contact is the best way to get the message through.

If you're not sure what to think of something he says after this, ask someone for a second opinion.



progaspie
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09 Oct 2014, 6:27 pm

So it may not be sexual harassment but it was totally inappropriate behaviour on his part. He has obviously misread the situation, which I gather is due to his having AS, but those comments of his devalue you as a human being and your response was super and to the point. When he comes to his senses and sees you as a real person rather than a sex object, then you might care to reconsider him as a friend and potential partner.



aspiemike
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09 Oct 2014, 6:38 pm

He asked a question and you told him no. Albeit what he asked was really strange and I am not surprised that anyone would be turned off by that. Anyway, the point is you told him no and that you were uncomfortable with him. If he doesn't respect your answer, then it does become sexual harassment. He did ask you not to tell anyone about it indicating that he is embarrassed by this. It might be enough for him to stay away from you.


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eric76
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09 Oct 2014, 7:27 pm

He sounds like he's just a bit awkward. I think that the question basically just shows his inexperience. For all you know, he may have thought you were expecting something and he didn't have the foggiest idea how to go about it.



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26 Oct 2014, 10:20 pm

aspiemike wrote:
He asked a question and you told him no. Albeit what he asked was really strange and I am not surprised that anyone would be turned off by that. Anyway, the point is you told him no and that you were uncomfortable with him. If he doesn't respect your answer, then it does become sexual harassment. He did ask you not to tell anyone about it indicating that he is embarrassed by this. It might be enough for him to stay away from you.



It isn't sexual harassment if you don't work with them.



sly279
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26 Oct 2014, 11:57 pm

progaspie wrote:
So it may not be sexual harassment but it was totally inappropriate behaviour on his part. He has obviously misread the situation, which I gather is due to his having AS, but those comments of his devalue you as a human being and your response was super and to the point. When he comes to his senses and sees you as a real person rather than a sex object, then you might care to reconsider him as a friend and potential partner.


how does it devalue her? are you the type that thinks women having sex devalues them? o.O
two people who like each other can't talk about sex? this seems to fall wonderfully under the ask first policy so many people want and now you condem him for doing even that. o.O


also I goolged but all i could find was this
Quote:
States vary in how they define criminal harassment. Generally, criminal harassment entails intentionally targeting someone else with behavior that is meant to alarm, annoy, torment or terrorize them. Not all petty annoyances constitute harassment. Instead, most state laws require that the behavior cause a credible threat to the person's safety or their family's safety. - See more at: http://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-ch ... ysmMk.dpuf:


seems odd there isn't a law for harassment of sexual nature outside of the work place. though I suppose its limited to physically touching? which if causes injure would be a sexual assualt. though if it doesn't it would see to me sexual harassment, though perhaps under the law sexual stuff is considered to be the same as hitting and thus just harassment and assault of various degrees. its apparently left up to each state also so depends on where you live.

i think you(the op) are fine, he didn't touch you or push the matter, i feel that perhaps him asking you not to tell others might just be out of being embarrassed. some other guys would have just started touching you cause they thought it's what you wanted.

i do agree it was inappropriate for out in public conversation, but some aspies don't get that and others don't care just like nts.
as to how to deal with it, if he never brings it up again it would seem to be dealt with if he does though you need to make it clear you aren't interested in sexual touching with him and precede accordingly. I don't think we have enough info to advice much

like age of you two, how long you've been friends, is there built up trust or past things which might lend you to think its risky being around him alone. I think anyone personal safty is far more important then a friendship. If i had a friend I didn't feel safe being around alone I wouldn't be alone with him and consider why it is we are friends if I can't feel safe around him.

but if i had a long time friend who i trust with my life and has never made me feel unsafe who asked if we could do sexual stuff It wouldn't change my opinion of him. but I think one should be safe first since apparently most rapes are from friends/family.
situation dictates. I hope some of this helps, if not i'm sorry for messing with your thread.



aspiemike
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27 Oct 2014, 12:59 am

rainydaykid wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
He asked a question and you told him no. Albeit what he asked was really strange and I am not surprised that anyone would be turned off by that. Anyway, the point is you told him no and that you were uncomfortable with him. If he doesn't respect your answer, then it does become sexual harassment. He did ask you not to tell anyone about it indicating that he is embarrassed by this. It might be enough for him to stay away from you.



It isn't sexual harassment if you don't work with them.


Either we can debate logic vs what the law says, or we can move on. Fact of the matter is the guy made a pass at her or even suggested that they do something sexual together. That was not the harassment part. It was an unwanted advance and was sexual in nature. If it were to continue after being told no, it still certainly is harassment. Call it sexual or non-sexual all you want.


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886
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27 Oct 2014, 3:34 am

I thought that kind of blunt sexual advancement only happened in adam :?

either way, if he respects your no, leave it at that. if he doesn't, f**k him, and not in the literal sense.


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27 Oct 2014, 4:48 am

I don't think this was sexual harassment either. In fact I think it's an attempt to be respectful, rather than pounce on you later without warning.