I've given up on finding a romantic partner.

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I've been in four major relationships, each lasting about a year, with one lasting almost two years.

1. We were both young and mutually clingy, and spent time constantly together. It became difficult when I moved off to college, but we actually we able to keep it going well into a year of my college career. She was the one who introduced me to sex, but I found that I wasn't a very sexual person.

2. I really liked this girl. In fact, she really liked me back, but for several months neither of us could make a move, despite having dinner dates together etc. She invited me to her family during the summers and I've drive 3 hours to visit her (she went to uni locally, but her home was a few hours away). The problem was that she was just too detached. While II wanted more time together, she felt the time was enough. We spent maybe 1 hour per week, and she lives like a 15 minute walk, plus had a car. I ended up cutting this off because she wouldn't include me in her circle of friends so I would often get ditched in favor of them,

3. She was a good girlfriend. There were some waves where she became emotionally distant suddenly, but overall she acquainted me with her many friends and family. The only problem I think that arose her was that my Aspie tendencies caused be to become overwhelmed in these situations, and I'd often decline, which I could tell upset here. Also, I took school/work very seriously and she didn't so much, so perhaps I did give her the attention she deserved at times.

4. Before dating, we were close friends ('besties') for nearly 4 years. She had liked me all along since the beginning, but I was dating the other girls or was in a period where I was not seeking a relationship. But back in late 2012, she moved back to Seattle and we started hanging out more and more again, to the point that we decided to go on a trip to Alaska in the May 2013. We've gone on trips in the past, even camping down in the California Redwoods, so it wasn't unusual for us. However, during this trip we decided we wanted to become a couple. And so it happened. Back home, our work schedules were different, but we'd spend at least the weekend together, and at times it was 60% of her free time spent with me and 40% with her friends. One day though, she was admitted into the nursing program back in her hometown, and from then ownward I knew the relationship would eventually falter. And it did. Unfortunately, though, I tried to move closer to her on Bainbridge Island, adding a longer commute to my daily routine, and the loneliness of living out in a area of a much older age cohort. Within a month of me moving there, she started producing reasons as to why she couldn't hang out - regardless of whether they were valid or not, I was shocked that even today (over a year later) we no longer talk as friends, despite being so good friends for many years.

?. This one wasn't much of a relationship. Though we did meet up on OkCupid, and at this time I had already identified as asexual, which I was outright about. Ironically we work at the same company, one floor apart, which was something that made me feel really connected. Regardless of her heterosexuality, she was quite interested, and the first night we hung out she spent the night over (it was Halloween night, and we watched some scary episodes). A weekend later, the same thing. Throughout this first month of knowing each other, we would constantly talk over Microsoft Communicator at work, over text, or Facebook chat. But then suddenly we started hanging out less and less, and I would say about 90% of what we planned fell through. Even simple things like getting lunch together at work - she has always said she had already ate; in fact, we have never had a lunch date together. We were supposed to hang out Thanksgiving after I got back visiting my uncle in California, but she said she was too exhausted, and that she needed to clean her place first. I still haven't seen her place, and we both have cars so that is not a blocking issue. What bothered me in particular that weekend was that I had gotten in a fight with my uncle, and I really needed some social support. I texted her once per day, but she never responded the whole Thanksgiving weekend. Her reasoning was that her friend reads her texts, but she also mentioned she simply doesn't hang around with friends very often at all. Even my former roommate who was FB friends with her noted it seemed like she was quite chatty at least through the internet. Note that I even bought her these $300 noise-cacelling headphones for her birthday/Christmas, and I don't expect anything back of the matter. Moreso just an honest reliable friend who says what they mean.

Ironically, at this point in time she wants to roommate with me, and though part of me wants that, another part sees the truth. Intuitively, something does not feel right. She criticizes me for not making sense, but her failure to adhere to plans, and now to not even respond to messages online (often with just resorting to 'i'm busy' when the conversation gets to any meaningful point). That was 3pm today, and it's midnight - I did text her an hour ago telling her "I hope you feel better". No response.

Mostly everyone seems opposed to continuing this with her, and that half of me that senses deeply into the heart to others. I may lack theory of mind, but theory of heart is different. And to recap, we decided this to be on a friendship/roommate level, but I would appreciate a friend to be available to hang out a bit more if they worked so close together.

I think the best thing to do at this point is to not pursue anything further unless she initiates it, and simply be very cautious with adhering if she actually does propose plans.

I've already tried talking to her, but even time she'll say she 'has to go' or that she's busy and doesn't feel well.

Ok.

Relationships are a pain in the as$.
The trick is to switch them just before they go bad. I think.

I'm sorry, but what is the point of your post here?

All relationships blow. Even the divoce rates nowadays are pretty high.

Peronsally, I did break up with 2 of the 4. But as a person with AS, it's very difficult to even find dates, yet this may differ for some people.

I'm pretty sure he could ask the same of your posting since you didn't seem to ask a question or for any feedback but simply posted your decision as if we were all waiting to know it.

It probably was a bit sarcastic because I think most people would likely understand that you were asking for help on this topic (but perhaps didn't know how/what to ask) even though you didn't literally ask, but instead proffered your decision as very thoroughly thought through and in a very concrete, no-nonsense, no arguments allowed manner.

The sarcasm/irony is that he was respecting and accepting your decision.

His point was likely: Tell us what you want from us?

Ironically, I wondered the same about your post.

People who are interested show it by making plans and spending time with you.

People who are not interested show it by cancelling plans and avoiding spending time with you.

Hey 23andaspie.

You know, you don't have to give up. Just take a break and r-e-l-a-x for awhile (kudos to anyone who gets the reference). You've been in a handful of relationships for the past several years. Go out with your friends or by yourself and do something fun!

I think I just wanted some people's opinions/advice regarding my situations. The last two replies I think were what I was looking for pretty much. Maybe some advice or tips of how to cope?



Thank you, this is so very true. This last girl ("?") even today told me that life need not be so planned out. For some people, maybe the more extroverted folk, this works ok with them. But for me I like to plan things in advance.



This is actually the kind of advice that I think is helpful. Rather than giving up permanently, perhaps taking a break is a better way to describe it.


Anyways, I do want to say I appreciate everyone who read that.

That's confusing. Why can't they just tell you whether they are interested or not?

I have a habit of asking directly if they're really interested if they delay plans and then if they don't specifically say they're not I follow it up again at later date. I don't know how else to do it. I've had at least one person who I couldn't get a straight answer whether she was interested or not, even if I asked directly and told her that I'd prefer a straight answer rather than a "soft rejection" by avoiding the plans and making excuses.

Usually on OkCupid, if they don't show up, I never contact them again after that.

Because being direct with that type of thing tells the other person 1 of 2 things, which may not always be accurate:

1. Commitment. So many people are afraid of commitment, and with good reason.

2. Desperation. This speaks for itself.

Instead, people beat around the bush, and those very, very, VERY few who might be direct are considered to be the scum of the earth because they're doing what society is telling them not to.

This usually happens to men more than women, though.