How to ask an Aspie to marry me?

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I need to explicitly, unambiguously inform an AS man that I love him unconditionally, want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him, as his wife, friend, and partner; and that I would gladly trade my current life, working for a paycheck, for the "job" of managing his household and caring for him and his two special-needs kids (ages 12 and 14).

He is 48, undiagnosed, divorced twice, has "trust issues," and did not infer this (what I thought was) very "obvious" intent from my words and behavior over an extended period of dating and friendship.

Suggested language? I can't screw this up . . . I have one shot and must get it exactly right. Thanks!

Perhaps you could try the tried & true phrasing of: "Will you marry me?"

Seems to work to communicate that thought & those feelings to every other human being on the planet who's on the receiving end of a marriage proposal... why reinvent the wheel?

Ask your question, get your answer, move forward with your life.

Just ask him where and when would be a good place and time for a marriage. Then start making plans with him.

That's basically how I did it.

LOL! Right, ok, I deserved that.

It's a bit more complicated than that.

I'll rephrase the question: "how can I PERSUADE an Aspie to marry me, instead of another woman, whose circumstances all but guarantee that the marriage will end in total disaster?"

Said Aspie has known me for 19 years. He has known this other person for about 19 weeks.

Feel free to share all of the pertinent information at any time...

It sounds like you're not even dating him, but have been friends for 19 years, correct? And now he's been dating someone else for the last 19 weeks which has made you realize you want to be with him?

Regardless of the details, and regardless of his neurological makeup, the only way to know is to just talk to him about your feelings and what you want and see how he responds. Whether he's for or against the idea won't change depending on how you try to "persuade" him. Either he's as into you as you are into him or he's not. Whatever it is, it is what it is. You just need to overcome your own anxiety about finding out & ask him. Then you'll have your answer. Pretty simple stuff, really.

Well?I cannot speak for all aspies but if you wish to treat me to Comic Con then its a done deal, I will say I do!

I suspect something similar. First thing is that he needs to know that she sees him as more than a friend since 19 years, otherwise he might have no idea, and won't think of her in any other way than a friend. That's the trouble with starting as friends. The other party might very well think that is the only thing they want unless it is made obvious they want more than that.

Is this that same guy that a few years back was refusing to commit to you and generally messing you around because of his own issues?

well, repeating your opening paragraph will go a long way if used against me.

If your lover is indeed an aspie, don't expect him to distill any such meanings, especially if he has been hurt before (as you say).

Plain, simple and direct is the best approach to let an aspie understand something: be blunt.

don't ask him to marry you, tell him you are going to marry him unless he objects.

Yup, I think this is a superior tactics that would work on many Aspies.

Maybe that's not what he wants. Maybe he wants an employed wife rather than a stay-at-home wife. You are basically trying to persuade him to support you in exchange for taking on whatever childcare duties he is currently paying for. I realize that's a crassly economic way to put it but couples in a culture where there is no fixed expectation about a wife's employment need to hash that out before marriage. You haven't hashed it out and aren't even his fiance. You have just assumed it. That may scare him.

Just remember that whoever makes the invitation pays the way.

Are you ready to be the sole breadwinner?

a case of wanting something when you can't have it but not wanting it when you could maybe?
19 years is a long time to decide this, then happens when he gets a gf for 19 weeks. ^o.o>

Could very well be.

My thanks to all responders - I've FINALLY figured this out.

As a side note, a stay-at-home wife to run the household and look after the kids is exactly what he wants and needs. Making money is the one thing he is REALLY good at, and he doesn't mind paying the bills at all. In contrast, taking care of social and family matters? Yeah, not so much.

It hit me. All these years, we have both wanted to be together, but we have BADLY misunderstood each other and miscommunicated the whole way. We've been sort of dating for the last couple of years, during which time he repeatedly said he has "trust issues."

I thought by "trust issues" he meant, afraid that I would hurt him or leave him or betray him. But when we talked last week, I realized that by "trust issues," he meant "commitment." Marriage. I HAD NO IDEA.

My God. I had no idea that all this time, we both wanted the same thing, and that all I had to do was ask (or tell him, provided he doesn't object, which is an excellent point that I will keep in mind). It sounds ridiculous, but the whole thing has just been a huge misunderstanding spanning many years.

The implications are so huge, my head is spinning. We've both made so many wrong assumptions about each other, used the same words but meant totally different things, and completely bungled our communications because we've been so emotional.

He has demanded for me to explain and clarify some things, so we plan to talk again next week. FINALLY, I know what to say.

Wow!! !! !

Thank you for explaining this. I'm pretty sure he is as into me as I am into him, and that he's already persuaded and "sold." He enjoys talking with me and he LOVES sex with me. Also, there are unique circumstances in his life, such as his and his kids' health conditions, which we have discussed at length. I'm in the medical field and know exactly how to handle all of them. I can easily navigate any interpersonal situation, and I've told him I'm a "problem solver." He loves that.

So, I think he wants what I want. We just have to stop being so emotional, and letting our insecurities cloud our judgment, and speak in MUCH more clear and direct terms! After all these years, he wouldn't still be asking questions and talking to me, if he wasn't "into me." Right? Why else would he bother?