Drove aa girl away, but she didnt run straight away

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hi I'm tony I live in the UK.

Where to start.

I am/was (don't know at the moment) friends with a girl at work.

We've worked together for 3 yrs and always got on really great. we laughed away our lunch times together, questioned each other about things we read and searched for answer to unanswered questions together and I wasn't really interested because she was not single.

I was off work most of last year due to a muscle injury in the ass of all places.

When I came back within a month I found out she was single and like a light switch being flicked I started to think about her differently and obsessed over how I could tell her how I like her. All this went on for 3 month and I was becoming a debilitated insomniac, I tried to keep it together but was slowly falling apart. I started getting blurred vision from the stress of the insomnia and constant thoughts running through my mind.

One day after a works night out I told her I liked her but I did it by massaging her. She said in her messages that she really liked me as a friend and wasn't really interested in anyone at the moment and that we were just good friends. that night I slept like a baby, all the insomnia was over one thought, how to tell her I liked her.

I accepted that we would just be friends but felt awkward or a few days. as far as I was concerned the ball was in her court on that front.

We were fine after the short awkwardness back to our usual lunch time fun. We even started to talk about more personal stuff with each other and she would tell me what she was looing for in a man. I never intimated that I thought I was a person with AS/ADD (suspected adhd as a kid but I don't get hyper anymore, much) and I had gone to my doctor to request a referral for testing about a month before this happened.

anyhow it got worse not long after. you see she had booked herself on the INCA TRAIL to go see Machu Pichu, a place I have long wanted too see, since I was in my teens (she would of been in junior/primary school back then), I have a love for ancient civilisations. she would rub in how long it was until she was going and I would say how jealous I was.

Skip forward a month and a friend in work had a break up and wanted to get away, he invited to tag along to Cancun as there were ancient ruins near by. So I went and visited Chichen Itza and Tulum whilst there by myself as my friend from work stayed round the pool. I have never had the balls to travel by myself and even just doing the day trips made me realise the possibilities. The ruins filled me with awe and wonder and a desire to see more.

When I returned I booked onto a trip to see Machu Pichu in may and also booked to go to Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand all in may.

When I told her I was going to Peru (and it was before her) she got really pissed at me. It got awkward after that and I thought it was a ruined friendship. in work we didn't talk as much and when we did it felt forced and difficult. I later decided to message her and tell her I had to go because of what I saw in mexico and how it changed me, I told her it was an insatiable drive stemming from what I believed to be the obsessive side of the AS I thought I had.

Well she didn't take it well as she then informed me that her son was recently diagnosed with autism (he already had developmental delay and the chances of autism were high I thought with them being frequent comorbid issues, like AS/ADHD) and that she didn't want to hear me talk about how I thought I had an autistic disorder just because I was a little bit inconsiderate, which I took to mean the actions I took when I went ahead and booked onto the peru trip.

Thing have gone wrong I don't know how to fix it and when I try to explain to her I make things worse.

I have a cousins with Asperger's and he has an autistic daughter and an ADHD/AS son who is just like I was when I was a kid. Another was diagnosed with Autism and he also had Developmental delay as a kid. I'm not as bad as my brother and we are both undiagnosed though I was tested for ADHD as a child in the 80's and they told my mother I was just hyperactive and to keep me away from cola and e numbers, that didn't work, but my mother never took me to get a follow up.

Sorry for the essay for my first post

Could you perhaps ask her to explain her anger as you sincerely do not understand. You could also tell her that you really value her friendship and never intended to hurt her.

I don't really understand why she is angry though. Is there anymore to the story??

So you made her run away in zig zag?












.... anyway I think you should tell her that you are not her lapdog. And you can go anywhere without her permission.

Btw, do you UK people make tons of money to book that many trips in one go?

While you enjoyed your trip, your level of obsession with this person would not doubt push you to think what would happen if you booked a trip to Peru knowing they were going there. This is why she's pissed.

You can go wherever you want but from an outside perspective this seems so staged on an astronomical level, given that you like her.

You can just cancel the trip and book for another ancient country, but tell her to such a lemon really, would she have been that pissed if she was still not aware of your feelings? So she is suddenly now imposing additional friendship boundary rules because you revealed your feeling? Really, what really changed?

I say you are chasing a shadow - friendship always gets ruined when one confesses of loving the other and that love isn't mutual.

The way I see it is that she's mad that you didn't invite her to join you on your trip;
she must be thinking something along the lines of «What the hell kind of a so-called 'friend' are you!»

Ok, the replies confused me.

Was she going to Peru before you book to Peru?

Or she isn't going there at all?

I wish

She was already going there.
After he went on a similar trip he decided to book to go to Peru for roughly the same time.

OP, tell her literally that: "Look stop behaving like a child, we are friends and always traveled together as group, what changed? Don't worry, I am not interested in you anymore more than a friend, in fact I am gonna meet a f**k buddy in Peru".

I am sure you, as a White UK tourist, can really find a f**k buddy in Peru.

What I got from her was that she was more annoyed that I still thought there was an issue with peru.

However She stopped initiation of any type of conversation after it and we just passed each other and smiled politely as we passed each other in work. We only spoke when in groups in work at dinner.

She said things only got awkward on my end. Understandable and probably true.

As I saw the lack of conversation initiation as there being a problem which made me think about it too much. Made me think there was a problem. But that was probably both parties not making the first move to talk. And I did feel awkward when i saw her.

And now I'm pretty angry that she thinks I just think I'm aspergers because of me being and I quote "being a bit inconsiderate" in booking the trip before her. When as I said previously that with my issues and the family with AS and autism(only found out about them after I told my mum I thought I had it)

I asked her to talk about it but she keeps dodging the question.

Friends are telling me to forget about her but working with her and being me makes that difficult.

I have massive social issues with the ladies and a skewed (old fashioned) code about dating and sex.

Listen to these friends.

I think the issue is he didn't talk to her about maybe going together or seeing if he could join her...he just booked a trip to the same place she is going around the same time. In effect he invited himself along on her trip without even talking to her about it....that is why she is pissed I think.

He should have talked to her about correlating their trips to see if she would be interested in that or not, not just take it upon himself to schedule a trip to the same place at the same time. Basically people don't really like being followed around.

unless of course I misunderstood the O.P

I'm reading this differently to everyone else, I think.

I would say her ongoing anger is the fact that she is dealing with an autism diagnosis in the family herself. And, it sounds like you knew that this would likely be forthcoming, and yet you have never mentioned your suspected autism before. It's never come up in conversation, so as far as she's concerned you haven't had this suspicion.

Now, something has gone a bit wrong and you're suddenly bringing autism in. It's come out of nowhere. It sounds like an excuse that you're using because things haven't gone to plan. And worse, it's touched a nerve because it's something that she's personally dealing with elsewhere.

So on top of sounding like an excuse, it sounds like you're mocking her struggle and have deliberately picked an excuse KNOWING that she's struggling with the idea of an autism diagnosis already.

From her perspective, it really will seem like you've pulled that out of nowhere as a reason for your behaviour. And the fact that you've picked autism as your excuse might suggest to her that you think that autism is a bad behaviour thing.

Now, of course, that's not true. But she doesn't know that. All she sees is that you've never mentioned your suspected autism before, even when autism may have been the topic of conversation, and now you suddenly are.

Personally, if she's that upset with you, I would leave well alone and keep a civil workmates thing going on, and nothing more.

SweatSweat leaf - I'm not that stupid lol I booked my trip for the start of month she goes end of the month. I know not to practically stalk. She was upset I got in there before her even though she has planned this trip for about a year. I got mine done in a week.

Aries song - I understand what your saying. I have been talking about my problems with work colleagues (just not her) since November. I knew her son was developmentally delayed. I never did any research into autism related comorbidities so I didn't know, i was focused on AS/ADHD. She never said he was under diagnosis.

I do however tell a lie, just went back over messages. I did bring it up a week earlier and she said no one wants to be labled.

I do so I can finally understand and move forward. My doctor agrees.

Thing is I don't know if she is angry with me or that she's just getting fed up of me thinking she is and wants me to stop going on about it.

@Alliekit and @Sweetleaf

Do you see how this woman is behaving like that guy mentioned in the other thread (the one who rejected the female OP and started acting weird with her)?

THIS is how most behave with guys after rejecting them.

Ulysses, I think she is also "fed up" by you talking about your autism.
Some women are really just like that, they claim that they like men to open up about their feelings and troubles and bla bla... but once you complain about something twice to them they tell you "stop whining"/ "I don't like whinig guys" .... this is a very common double standards.
My advice is to stop talking to her about such topics.

Or if she is angry about the trip, can you delay it to make it with her?