Asperger's break up

Post Reply New Topic

I met a man who was 39, computer engineer, single and never married. We were together for 4 months, it was an intense 4 months I've ever had with a man. We fell in love after 2 months of dating. I loved everything about him; how he was strangely romantic, shy, arrogant, open about his feelings, and brutally honest about everything. He disclosed to me a month into dating that he had gone through therapy for 5 years in his twenties to fix his relationships with his family and the women he dated (he dated women online- he told me he had a lot of partners, I must have counted over a dozen). I have little dating experience compared to him, I've had a total of 3 relationships in my life.

Throughout our relationship I felt like something was off, but I loved him for everything he was so I never brought it up or asked him. My friends and family who met him all thought he was "socially awkward" but I told them that I love him for how he was and would never ask for anything different. 3 months into dating in late February he had a family emergency and flew back to the east coast to take care of his father. When he returned a week later he morphed into a complete stranger. He would get angry at me for littlest things and lost his temper on numerous occasions. He cut me down at every chance he got and it hurted me bad. He stopped making plans with me and I felt like I was with a soulless man. He started deflect his own issues on me and told me he had doubts about me. I started seeing a therapist and after the third session the therapist advised me to remove myself from the relationship because he was toxic.

In late March, I saw how unhappy he was and in the midst of an argument I told him it would be best to go our separate ways because I deserved to be treated like a woman not a doormat. He cut me off completely cold and went online dating immediately after a few days of us splitting. I was baffled by how swiftly he moved on.

After our break up I emailed him once to tell him I appreciated the time we shared, checked in with him 3 weeks after to see if he was okay, and he never once reached back out. I wrote him a birthday card and an apology letter for his 40th birthday in late April (I apologized for not fighting harder for us). I continued to see the therapist on a semi-weekly basis and Therapist told me he seemed to fit into a description of Asperger's (rigid personality, no close friends, routine, rudeness, lack of eye contact, empathy deficient, he had a hard time falling asleep next to me, brush me off the phone unexpected because his mind fixated on something). I was enlighten. I am not 100% certain if he has Asperger's and can't rely on my observation to diagnose him. However, if I had known this and IF he had Asperger's I would embrace it wholeheartedly and would have handled things differently.

I don't know if I should continue to keep in touch with him or ask him if he has Asperger's. We are broken up now so it might be totally inappropriate for me to cross these boundaries. I know how hard it is to be labeled. I have two autistic niece and nephew in my family who I took care of for 12 years so I know how hard it is for them to deal with emotions.

My question to this community is, if someone has Asperger's how do they deal with break up- is going online dating a day after a break up humanly possible for an Aspie? What is the best thing for someone, like an NT partner, do to help mend relationship. I love him and care for him deeply. Even if our romantic relationship does not work out, I would like to some day remain friends with him.

Eh, from what you told me about this man, I don't think he's capable of having healthy relationships, platonic and romantic. It sounds like all his relationships are toxic, and while it's possible to blame his disability for it, it doesn't change the fact that he can't have healthy relationships. It sounds like he falls in love hard and fast, enjoys the honeymoon stage of the relationship, then bails when it gets too serious. I don't really feel as if it's fair to you to overthink it. Don't apologize for anything, it really sounds like you gave this man your all and got nothing back from him in return. Don't over think it, don't try to think what you could've done differently. It's sometimes hard to accept what's obvious, your partner was just toxic and not able to have a healthy relationship.. it really isn't your fault.

Veteran, I am 4 weeks out of this relationship so I am navigating this blind. I now have this possibility of Asperger's on my hand to weigh out whether I want to consider continue contacting him. I recall my niece and nephew nurturing the few relationships they have because they don't have many close friends. On the other hand, my ex seems to pump and dump women he dates. You're right, after the honeymoon phase I saw the stranger behind the mask. No matter what I do for him, he finds a faught.

example:

Me: "Let's go out to dinner tonight, what time do you get off from work today babe?"
Ex: in angry voice "what time do I usually get off from work? Is it so hard for you to remember what time."

silence.....

Yeah...I'd say that's pretty much over.

It sounds almost like you have Stockholm syndrome. What you're feeling at the moment is fairly normal after a breakup, but rather than obsessing about this relationship you need to give yourself time and distance from it. At the moment you're only thinking about the good times and self-justifying the bad bits. Given enough time you'll be able to view the relationship objectively and maybe see it in a different light.

This is toxic situation. Stop all contact with this guy and forget about him. You can't save this one.

I hate to say it but it sounds like you might be best off just moving on from this person entirely. He doesn't seem very interested in remaining friends or having any further contact.

Also whilst it sounds like you initiated the official break up, in a way, it almost seems like he at least mentally broke up with you before the argument where you said it may be best for you to go your separate ways. I mean trying to be friends with him at this point will be akin to trying to be friends with a potato or a brick wall..from the sound of it.

I also, don't see what you have to be sorry for, seems like you did what you could to make it work, he is the one who should be sorry for being a jerk and pushing you away...at least that is my opinion.

You did everything you could to make it work & you got screwed over in the process. He's so toxic that you had to start seeing a therapist over it so I really think it's best for you to move on & NEVER communicate with him again.