I Really Want to Talk to a girl!!

Page 1 of 1 [ 15 posts ] 

blockmaster1
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 16 Dec 2017
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: Ontario

13 Jan 2019, 11:31 pm

Hi everyone, so I have mild aspergers so I think I lack some social skills compared to others, but there is this girl at my residence I really want to talk to, to try and get to know her and her personality instead of admiring her appearance from afar.

The only thing is that I have already talked to her, albeit a bit breif, on two or three occasions scattered across 2-3 months(just about basic things like stuff about her university program), the last time being in December when I just asked her one question when we happened to be near each other, so pretty brief. I have been too nervous/shy to talk to her again and its been a little while, but now I want to again finally. Maybe she thinks I am not interested or something? So I am wondering if it is a little weird to suddenly start talking to her again, and if it is too late. (e.g I am thinking of just casually talking to her again when she is near me at a social event at my residence). I wouldnt ask her out, just try to maybe develop a friendship with her. I don't feel ready for dating yet, and she is just in her first year of university.

Advice? She actually tends to visit her guy friends in the dorm rooms right nearby mine, so she is around me quite a bit I guess



Ambrose_Rotten
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jul 2010
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 458
Location: Madison, WI

14 Jan 2019, 3:21 am

Hmm. What do you like about this person?



RiverSeeker
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 28 Oct 2018
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

14 Jan 2019, 3:27 am

I don't think it would be weird.



Raleigh
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jul 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 30,000
Location: Out of my mind

14 Jan 2019, 3:45 am

That's how you get to know people, by talking to them, so no, it's not weird.


_________________
It's like I'm sleepwalking


TheSpectrum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,116
Location: Hampshire

14 Jan 2019, 4:32 am

Talk to her and get to know her then it'll feel less weird all round for you. Ask for help on something if you're not sure what to talk about, and somewhere in that there's usually a chance to make conversation.


_________________
Yours sincerely, some dude.


hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,029
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

14 Jan 2019, 5:58 am

You've already had a few brief conversations so it would not seem at all weird to talk to her again.

You've got the right idea. You are not putting too much pressure on yourself. You just want to chat and get to know each other.

I think focussing on improving conversation skills and getting talking to girls is the best first step. And in time you may find it gets easier the more used to it you become.


_________________
I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear.


The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,196
Location: Australia

14 Jan 2019, 7:26 am

blockmaster1 wrote:
Hi everyone, so I have mild aspergers so I think I lack some social skills compared to others, but there is this girl at my residence I really want to talk to, to try and get to know her and her personality instead of admiring her appearance from afar.
Okay, so the attraction for you at this point is mostly physical, but you want to get to know her so you can see if you like her personality too? Do you think there's any chance that she'd be at least somewhat physically attracted to you too? How conventionally attractive are you, and how conventionally attractive is she? Are her guy friends more attractive that you? If her guy friends are more conventionally attractive than you then sorry, but you probably don't hav ed a chance. Even if they aren't, it's still best to assume she's not not interested in you romantically until she clearly indicates otherwise, because truth be told, statistically speaking, she probably isn't, and by getting your hopes up you could be setting yourself up for a very big disappointment.

blockmaster1 wrote:
The only thing is that I have already talked to her, albeit a bit breif, on two or three occasions scattered across 2-3 months(just about basic things like stuff about her university program), the last time being in December when I just asked her one question when we happened to be near each other, so pretty brief. I have been too nervous/shy to talk to her again and its been a little while, but now I want to again finally.
Well, if you can't handle rejection or just being friends with her, I'd suggest not bothering altogether, but if you're willing to accept that possibility, you can start by taking to her about subjects of mutual interest and branch off from there if she seems interested in talking to you. If she is interested in taking to you, don't interpret that as her having romantic feelings for you, unless she behaves differently/more flirtatiously around you than other guys. After getting to know her for a bit, you can choose to ask her out if you think that's the right course of action, but you have to be prepared for the possibility of rejection, because there's always the possibility that you'll be rejected, and the less interest she shows you, the more likely you'll be rejected.
blockmaster1 wrote:
Maybe she thinks I am not interested or something?
The more likely explanation is that she's not particularly interested in you. If she's going out of her way to see and talk to other guys but not you, that's a bad sign.
blockmaster1 wrote:
So I am wondering if it is a little weird to suddenly start talking to her again, and if it is too late. (e.g I am thinking of just casually talking to her again when she is near me at a social event at my residence). I wouldnt ask her out, just try to maybe develop a friendship with her. I don't feel ready for dating yet, and she is just in her first year of university.

Advice? She actually tends to visit her guy friends in the dorm rooms right nearby mine, so she is around me quite a bit I guess

It won't be weird if it doesn't seem forced. If you can talk to her about something in a situation where there is a topic of mutual relevance to both you and her like a social event or whatever then striking up a conversation won't seem so weird, especially if you have friends nearby. If you're there on your own it's more likely to seem weird.

What you don't want to do is force a conversation and not know what to talk about, or frame the conversation in such a way where your motives will be called into question. Of you can let the conversation flow naturally, you'll do better.



ShadowProphet
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 12 Sep 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 291

15 Jan 2019, 8:35 pm

Why are you shy? Why are you afraid?

I understand, it's natural to be scared, it's natural to be not want to talk to that girl you like.

But I want you to understand something, if the pain of rejection is acute, then the pain of regret is chronic.

Think about all of the women you have ever crushed on, all of the women you were attracted to, all of the women you ever fantasized about being with, but you didn't do anything about it. You were too scared to walk up to them, to ask them out, you let them walk away from your life forever, never to be seen again. And months later, you contemplate what might have happened had you of just taken that chance. You could have asked for her name, asked for her number, asked her out on a date, now the only question you'll ever be asking is what if?

Rejection isn't failure, rather it's a form of relief. You no longer have to contemplate whether or not she likes you or not, now you are a free man. Sure getting rejected hurts, but now you can move on, you no longer have to waste your time. And in the chance that she says yes if you ask her out, who knows maybe she will be the love of your life (or at least your love for one night).

But if you never take that chance, never ask for her name, never ask for her number, never ask her out on a date, the only question you'll ever be asking is what if?



WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,573
Location: California, United States

16 Jan 2019, 10:52 am

something all guys have to go through, nothing new



jimmy m
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 70
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,356
Location: Indiana

16 Jan 2019, 12:35 pm

It seems like there may be 3 parts to this question. From the way you wrote the thread, it almost sounds like you have a crush on this girl.

So if you just want to develop a friendship with this girl, I don't see any problem just finding time to talk with her every now and then, and try and let the friendship grow. [Generally making friends should not cause you to become nervous and shy. It is when romance enters the picture that these characteristics come into play.]

So if you want to develop a friendship and let it grow into a romance there are a few other factors to consider.

Does she already have a boyfriend? She actually tends to visit her guy friends in the dorm rooms right nearby mine

If she has a boyfriend will he interpret talking to his girl as a threat, will he beat the crap out of you?



ASDating
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 16 Jan 2019
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 4
Location: United States

16 Jan 2019, 10:09 pm

I have found that keeping it brief is the best course of action for the first few interactions. Next time you see her, ask her a question, anything that's on your mind really. If things go well and you talk for a while, just try to keep it light and if things get dry, a question that has never ceased to work for me is "So, what's your story?"



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,149
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

17 Jan 2019, 1:57 am

Nah, not weird to talk to her when you're at the same social function. Still, though, good on you for starting this thread and asking for advice.

She probably doesn't even think you're not interested.. with so few conversations over a few months, she may not think anything of you at all. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just sayin'.. it's not as if one or both of you expressed interest and then things just stopped progressing or anything.

Anyways, talk to her. You should be able to be relatively calm vs. nervous if your aim isn't to get a date/hookup - but since you're on the spectrum it's understandable if your baseline level of anxiety starts off higher than NT's. But w/e, just talk to her like a normal acquaintance at a party and see how things go. Either it goes well and you chat further, or it doesn't and you don't - but at least you won't be stuck wondering!

Oh, and if she's coming over to your residence to visit her guy friends there's a pretty good chance she's sleeping with at least one of them.. and if she isn't, either she wants to or one or more of them wants to. It's not guaranteed.. but come on, we're talking about young University students here. Assume there's something going on even if they're not public about it. I'm just saying this so you're prepared if you find out she's seeing someone, or has an interest in someone else etc. If your goal is truly to befriend her, this stuff shouldn't matter all that much anyways. I'm just pointing it out so you're prepared for it is all.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


TheSpectrum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,116
Location: Hampshire

17 Jan 2019, 9:21 am

I was gonna say what the other guys have already said in my original message but felt it was too harsh for the OP to take in so soon. Boy am I glad someone beat me to the punch.

It's university and she is visiting a bunch of guys regularly, in their sleeping quarters no less.
Talk to her to be friends, but keep your expectations low on the romance side.


_________________
Yours sincerely, some dude.


hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,772
Location: None

17 Jan 2019, 2:07 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
I was gonna say what the other guys have already said in my original message but felt it was too harsh for the OP to take in so soon. Boy am I glad someone beat me to the punch.

It's university and she is visiting a bunch of guys regularly, in their sleeping quarters no less.
Talk to her to be friends, but keep your expectations low on the romance side.


That was my original thought as well. It’s highly unlikely she isn’t sleeping with one/many.



blockmaster1
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 16 Dec 2017
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: Ontario

17 Jan 2019, 10:23 pm

Thanks guys, I will talk to her next time I see her, just casually. And I highly doubt she is involved/sleeping with the guys as I think she is just friends with them and hanging out with them. Another thing I may add is that I often see her hugging the guy friends when she sees them, however I believe it is quite common of outgoing girls(other girls at my res do this). But yes I will be wary and just casually talk to her and see what happens.