Autistic boyfriend shutting down?

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Summer_Twilight
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30 Mar 2022, 11:55 am

Hi:

My boyfriend and I originally planned on doing our date night last night and he likes women's feet and he wanted to more to them than just kiss and massage them. I told him that I love him but I didn't think it was a good idea being that I was scared that it would lead to sex. His last reply was that he just wanted to give me pleasure and I said that I would return that pleasure. However, I never heard back from him after that and he had not returned any of my calls or texts.

On the contrary, I figured out what we both want in a relationship

1. Boyfriend is more of the mild fetishes with the cuddling and kissing as well as dates in
2. Me, I want more of a bonded companionship with a combination of romance as well as spending time with someone.



MaxE
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31 Mar 2022, 5:53 am

First, I hope you've resolved this by now. Whether you have or not, I have some questions.

What do you have in mind when you speak of "sex"?

As you seem to want to avoid sex, why? Are you asexual or do you have some other reason to believe it would be wrong for you to have sex?

If you fear that a given situation would lead to sex, then it would seem you fear he will rape you. Is that the case or do you mean something else?


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Nades
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31 Mar 2022, 6:02 am

How long have you been with him?



kraftiekortie
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31 Mar 2022, 6:04 am

You weren’t satisfying his foot fetishism….that’s why he split. He sees your feet more than he sees YOU.

Sorry this happened to you.



MaxE
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31 Mar 2022, 7:45 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You weren’t satisfying his foot fetishism….that’s why he split. He sees your feet more than he sees YOU.

Sorry this happened to you.

This is too simplistic. Given I don't know much about how fetishes work, I would say that the problem is a failure to communicate in a straightforward way about sex in general, at least this seems to be the issue. Does the OP hope for a long term relationship that never goes beyond kissing and cuddling while fully clothed?

For people on the spectrum a frank discussion may be necessary.


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kraftiekortie
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31 Mar 2022, 8:00 am

I don't sense that this guy is up for all this "communication." I sense that he wanted his immediate needs met.

I could be wrong. I hope the guy writes her and calls her again. And I hope they have a great conversation.



Summer_Twilight
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31 Mar 2022, 8:28 am

MaxE wrote:
First, I hope you've resolved this by now. Whether you have or not, I have some questions.

What do you have in mind when you speak of "sex"?

As you seem to want to avoid sex, why? Are you asexual or do you have some other reason to believe it would be wrong for you to have sex?

If you fear that a given situation would lead to sex, then it would seem you fear he will rape you. Is that the case or do you mean something else?


Hi:
No I didn’t sense that he wanted to rape me. As for the sex part, we have only been together for nearly 3 months. Also, I am a Christian and I would rather wait until marriage. Besides I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want him to get hurt.

As for my feet, I am just fine with him massaging and kissing them. However, I just worried that the licking part would be a gesture leading to try sex.


Kraftie, I also do agree that he is mad at me but I also sense that he probably shut down. I also made the mistake of texting him instead of talking to him on the phone. Maybe he thought I wanted to break up with him which was not my intention.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 31 Mar 2022, 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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31 Mar 2022, 8:34 am

I hope he can be satisfied with just kissing and massaging your feet, then.

I hope he calls again, and you can resume the relationship.



Nades
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31 Mar 2022, 9:15 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
MaxE wrote:
First, I hope you've resolved this by now. Whether you have or not, I have some questions.

What do you have in mind when you speak of "sex"?

As you seem to want to avoid sex, why? Are you asexual or do you have some other reason to believe it would be wrong for you to have sex?

If you fear that a given situation would lead to sex, then it would seem you fear he will rape you. Is that the case or do you mean something else?


Hi:
No I didn’t sense that he wanted to rape me. As for the sex part, we have only been together for nearly 3 months. Also, I am a Christian and I would rather wait until marriage. Besides I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want him to get hurt.

As for my feet, I am just fine with him massaging and kissing them. However, I just worried that the licking part would be a gesture leading to try sex.


Kraftie, I also do agree that he is mad at me but I also sense that he probably shut down. I also made the mistake of texting him instead of talking to him on the phone. Maybe he thought I wanted to break up with him which was not my intention.


I think you might be seeing to much into what he's doing. He's into some pretty soft stuff and the boundaries appear relatively tame.

Age might be another factor too. If he's a similar age to you (assuming roughly 40) the waiting until marriage might be a bit of a grind for him.



Summer_Twilight
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31 Mar 2022, 11:47 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I hope he can be satisfied with just kissing and massaging your feet, then.

I hope he calls again, and you can resume the relationship.


Hi:
I didn't share the whole story which I am going to now. He and I have known each other for years and he had always had a huge crush on me this whole time. He even told me that he has been waiting since day 1 for us to kiss. So, I don't think he's looking for a one night stand and I don't think he's just after my feet.

I just think he probably shut down because there was a miscommunication via text and I know now that it's better for us to talk about those kinds of things over the phone or in person.

He also has a very busy life of his own



kraftiekortie
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31 Mar 2022, 12:38 pm

That makes sense.

In my experience, many guys, whenever they can't "get what they want," go on to the next person. But you two are old friends, so I believe this will resolve itself eventually.

I hope he calls soon, and that you get back together in the sense where you were "together" before.

By the way: I'm not one of those people for whom "no sex" is a dealbreaker. I would have "waited for marriage" when I was younger.



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31 Mar 2022, 12:45 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
You weren’t satisfying his foot fetishism….that’s why he split. He sees your feet more than he sees YOU.

Sorry this happened to you.


Level of agreement 100%.

I wouldn't be surprised if you are the first woman he has tried this line on and, it having (in his mind) backfired spectacularly, he needs to figure out how to recover his worth to you.



Summer_Twilight
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31 Mar 2022, 12:58 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
That makes sense.

In my experience, many guys, whenever they can't "get what they want," go on to the next person. But you two are old friends, so I believe this will resolve itself eventually.

I hope he calls soon, and that you get back together in the sense where you were "together" before.

By the way: I'm not one of those people for whom "no sex" is a dealbreaker. I would have "waited for marriage" when I was younger.


For the most part, I don't think he's a guy who would move onto the next person because I told him, "No." Rather, a person who I talk to on a regular basis said that she because he's had romantic feelings for a long period of time, chances are he's probably doesn't want to lose me. She said that he's probably excited about touching me anyway he can because he's had to wait so long.

However, he has more experiences with dating than I do so I have lot to learn about meeting him half way and respect where he is coming from.



Nades
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31 Mar 2022, 1:10 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
You weren’t satisfying his foot fetishism….that’s why he split. He sees your feet more than he sees YOU.

Sorry this happened to you.


Come on. Don't be so harsh on him. Chances are he's a guy who's had very little in the way of intimacy his whole life. There is nothing wrong with a guy having desires and nothing wrong with him wanting to meet those desires, especially ones that might have had very little love in their life.



Summer_Twilight
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31 Mar 2022, 1:21 pm

Nades wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
You weren’t satisfying his foot fetishism….that’s why he split. He sees your feet more than he sees YOU.

Sorry this happened to you.


Come on. Don't be so harsh on him. Chances are he's a guy who's had very little in the way of intimacy his whole life. There is nothing wrong with a guy having desires and nothing wrong with him wanting to meet those desires, especially ones that might have had very little love in their life.


:lol: He says that he's been with other women and has had a chance to fetish with them where I have have very little experience with the dating and intimacy seen.



kraftiekortie
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31 Mar 2022, 1:41 pm

I hope things turn out good for you both.