Why its too late for me

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I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still practically a virgin.

My last relationship ended 11 years ago, and in all the years since then no woman has wanted to date me. Clearly, if it was possible for any woman to find me attractive someone would’ve in the past 11 years. And even when I was in a relationship, that was only me because my ex was specifically looking for someone emotionally vulnerable whom she could easily manipulate and abuse. This makes it clear to me that I simply have nothing to offer any woman who isn’t looking for someone she can easily exploit.

I’ve had online conversations with several women who explained what characteristics completely turn them off to a man. Those mostly consist of things like social awkwardness, lack (or perceived lack) of confidence, odd body language and struggling with eye contact, etc. So, basically general characteristics of people on the spectrum. Additionally, many have told me that they would never date a man who didn’t have sufficient “bedroom experience”. This means that the longer I remained single the less women wanted to date me, and I just continue to become less and less desirable as a partner as time passes and the gap in experience grows.

Plus, I’m already past the point where I’m not really interested in women my own age. Not for any shallow reason, but because of the widening gap in life experience. By my age, any woman would have been through at least one marriage and divorce and have multiple kids, some of whom would be old enough to be in high school by this point. And I don’t mind dating someone with little kids, but to suddenly be dealing with teenagers when I’ve never had kids is a bit too weird to me. I’ve never had kids and still spend my time either going to school or collecting comics and action figures. I wouldn’t be able to relate to or connect with someone who’s been handling the responsibility of being a parent for over a decade. I know that some younger ladies like older men. But what they’re thinking of is someone who has an established career, and above-average income, and social status; not an inept loser like myself. And besides, I would just feel really scummy dating a woman half my age.

And there’s the fact that there’s simply nobody left. In the 11 years since my last relationship ended, 99.9% of the women I’ve met anywhere I go are married or in relationships. And on the extremely rare occasions when I did meet a woman in the appropriate age range who was single, at least one of was unattracted to the other. I did try online dating. But in the ten years I was active on just about every dating site you can think of, only 5 women agreed to meet me. Of those, 4 lost all interest immediately after going out with me once. One went out with me on a second date, but there was just no chemistry and it led to nothing.

And finally, as my body gets older it just can’t do everything it used to. I don’t want to get graphic, but let’s just say that certain things don’t work like they used to anymore.

It is never too late. It is surprizing what might happen.

^ I disagree; there’s a point in one’s lifetime when it becomes virtually too late.

While I am not virgin - and the last relationship I had was around a year ago (and the one before it ended in being cheated); I feel for instance it’s too late for me to get married, corona, a major local economic crisis (we’re the next Venezuela) ... I can’t foresee it possible.

Also too late to have a child too, as another example of “too late”. I am 38 already, and the age gap between me and the first hypothetical child would be too big already, and that’s very unfair for the child for many reasons, one of them is losing energy from my side.

There’s a limit for everything in life.

That means you're not a virgin.

You have not dated. I am 34 and I have dated. I am also practically a virgin. Health is bad and I am not interested in women anymore, if barely. I thought I could learn through trial and error. But time ran out. And what I learned wasn't enough. I mismanaged my time. Should have gone to the gym, ate healthy, cleaned and not piss away my money.

That wall of knowing you are aging and missing out on life, that you are always several years too late to have started doing something, never able to connect and participate in dating and socializing like others around you - it was always a big de-motivator. I couldn't deal with it when I was in 9th grade. I cannot deal with it now. As you age out of your 20s, you lose hope for the future because your development is easier in your 20s. But it is still possible to have interesting things happen to you with women as you age. Maybe you can find a female friend to talk to in a coffee shop. But take care of yourself first. Screw dating! Put yourself first. Women don't have it better in life. They get attacked a lot. Just don't feel bad about yourself being different from women. They are living a different reality. Don't let social things get you down. You can still do some social stuff as an aspie, so don't give up on it, but don't give up on your life just because you can't date or socialize with women. Women are generally NOT nice to weak men. Being immature, shy, awkward, inexperienced in sex are all social weaknesses and women simply choose something else. You are a bad item in a grocery store, but maybe somebody might still buy you. So try to market yourself by presenting yourself the best way, ultimately, you might or might not succeed.

So much this!! If it wasn't for the fact that I'm able to confidently platonically talk with famous women like these, I shudder to think of where I'd be

How have you gone about looking for women to date?

Also, if we are to give you any useful advice, it would be helpful if you could tell us a little about your general situation. For example, what kind of job, if any, do you have? (And what is your longterm career goal, if different from your current job?)

And what is your living situation like?

Also, what are your hobbies, if any?


I wouldn't necessarily conclude that.


So the question here should be how you can go about finding a woman who is different from these "many women," without just being out to exploit you.

One possibility might be via autistic community, if you don't mind a woman who is also on the autism spectrum.

I personally have a boyfriend who is also on the autism spectrum. We met back in late 2008 and we've lived together since 2012.

Luckily for you, although autism in general has a high male-to-female ratio, online support forums like WP have an approximately equal male-to-female ratio.

But do NOT treating these forums like a dating app, of course. You will need to spend quite a bit of time participating in the forum and getting to know people before you broach the possibility of dating and/or a relationship with anyone. In the meantime, it would be helpful if your profile could indicate your actual general geographic location, not a fantasy location like "Tarkon Galtos." (But, to protect your privacy, don't be too specific about your location either.)


I would suggest that you not rule out anyone on account of age (as long as they are of legal age, of course) -- especially within the autistic community, where people's emotional age varies widely relative to their actual age.

More generally, the autistic community consists of a bunch of widely varying individuals who don't fit into any particular mold whatsoever. So, it would be best to set aside any preconceptions you may have about women in any given category X within the community.

If you're not focused on "superficial reasons," I think you should focus on deeper things like common values, common interests, and compatible habits.


Then perhaps what you need now is just a close emotional connection with an asexual person?

You’ve already posted about this before. Why not just keep the original thread you made active instead of making a new one about the same thing?

You're only 39 years old, for crying out loud!

Many people have started "living" after they turned 40.

I'm pretty much a "late bloomer," too....I will be 60 in 2 weeks.

The only reason why I say that I can still "function" sexually about the same as when I was in my 20s-----is because I'm trying to convey the fact that people aren't useless once they get past their 30s. I'm not saying this to brag.

How have you gone about looking for women to date?

I just keep an eye out for anybody single that interests me. I tried online dating but that never worked out for me. I feel like I need to establish some level of a connection with someone in person before I can become interested in her and online dating isn't good for that.

And what is your living situation like?

I'm currently in grad school and working as a TA in a special ed classroom. I still haven't decided if I'm going to stay where I am or travel to teach English abroad after I graduate. I might also have an opportunity to join a program in Washington, DC for Arabic speakers which could lead to a government job. I'll have to wait and see how things turn out.

I collect comics and toys. I used to enjoy drawing, photography, and fighting games. But my interest has waned in part due to my depression.

One possibility might be via autistic community, if you don't mind a woman who is also on the autism spectrum.

I don't mind dating an autistic woman if she is the right one. But I'm not fond of the idea of being limited to a dating "kiddie table" and I don't want to end with people trying to set me up with women just because we're both on the spectrum, as that doesn't mean we necessarily would have anything else in common. And I know you addressed this but the gender disparity remains an issue. I already explained why I don't form relationships online. I have never established any kind of relationship with anyone on this or any other forum and I don't see it happening in the future. And I do want to add that while I'm not looking for a supermodel, some level of chemistry and physical attraction is important to me.

And since you asked, I live in the southwestern United States.

More generally, the autistic community consists of a bunch of widely varying individuals who don't fit into any particular mold whatsoever. So, it would be best to set aside any preconceptions you may have about women in any given category X within the community.

I tried to join a local autism group a few years ago and we didn't get along.

Then perhaps what you need now is just a close emotional connection with an asexual person?

A sexual relationship is important to me. I already have friends, but they do not meet all my needs.

Well I can't.

[Quotes from dorkseid edited to clarify quotes from me.]

So it sounds to me like you need to find ways to build up your local network of friends and acquaintances in ways that will maximize your likelihood of finding a compatible potential girlfriend.


The above is useful information (see below), but you didn't answer the specific question you quoted above, about your living situation. For example, are you living with your parents, or with a roommate, etc.?


Of course, you would only want to date women with whom you have other things in common, and with whom you are otherwise compatible. However, an autistic women is much less likely than an NT woman to judge you negatively for things like shyness or difficulty with eye contact.


Unless you were to become one of the organizers of, say, a group of autistic people who work, or want to work, in the field of special ed? If I'm not mistaken, the vast majority of special ed teachers are women? If so, then a group of autistic special ed teachers would likely have a much closer-to-even male-to-female ratio than the autistic community as a whole -- and might even be predominantly women?

Groups of autistic people in particular categories of professions / occupations / jobs are one of the types of organizations I believe the autistic community needs in order to gain enough power to become a significant political force. (See Autistic Workers Project.) By helping to build such an organization, you could do your part toward building the autistic rights movement that you yourself called for here, as well as increasing your likelihood of finding a girlfriend.

Regarding you objection to 'being limited to a dating "kiddie table"': Unless you have other, better avenues for finding potential girlfriends, I don't see why this should be an issue. One could also argue that, no matter what strategy you choose for maximizing your chances of finding potential mates, it will be "limiting" in the sense of including some women and excluding others. But having no strategy at all is even more "limiting" in the sense of finding fewer potential girlfriends.

Of course, organizing a group for autistic special ed teachers would be a lot of work, which you might not be up to doing, especially given your depression.

Which leads me to wonder about another, different possibility: Have you ever participated in a support group for people with depression? Such a group is likely to be predominantly women ....


Have you considered building friendships online, and/or groups of acquaintances that are centered around a common interest and occasionally meet in person?

As I said earlier, you shouldn't use Wrong Planet as a dating site. But you could use it as a place to meet potential friends and build your network of acquaintances, thereby increasing your chances of meeting a potential girlfriend as well.


In the interests of expanding your network of in-person acquaintances, it would be helpful to mention this (or, better yet, the state you live in) in your WP profile. (You might also consider posting in the Meetup thread, although that's a long shot.)


I'm very curious to hear more about your experience with the group and what went wrong. (I would appreciate it very much if you could post your answer to this particular question in the separate new thread Your gripes about peer-led autistic adult support groups?, where it is more relevant.)

I guess I'm not a late bloomer afterall. I'm 32, still a virgin, but I'm with my second girlfriend, and feel like it's actually going to work out this time.

I approach relationships differently from most people though. I've known far too many people who only seem to be happy if they're in a relationship and who define themselves by who they're with. I instead see myself as being metaphorically like an instrument, where the tune that is my life will carry on regardless of whether I'm with someone or not. The way I see it, if I meet another instrument and the tune we produce together is worse than what I produced alone, then I'm best off being a solo act. However, if we're able to produce a tune together that's better than what I can produce alone...then that's a relationship worth pursuing. It's all about harmony, really.

I'm not interested in being tied down or held back, and never was. I don't need someone else to "complete me". I don't need to fulfil some society expectation or biological push to help reproduce the human race. Companionship is something I'm definitely interested in, although I can get some of that with my network of friends, as well as my church family. No, I need to feel as though my life is objectively better when I'm with someone, and I think my current gf checks that box.

Also, relationships are one area where it's very easy to fall into the trap of playing the game of life by neurotypical rules and expectations. So what if your NT friends and family have settled down before you? Maybe you're simply holding yourself to a standard that you really don't need to. What's important is whether or not you're happy, and while I think a relationship with the right person is great, being in one for the sake of being in one is way overrated. There has to be so much more to you than whether or not you're with someone.

I've heard this analogy about two instruments needing to be in tune before, but you've phrased it beautifully.

That's exactly how I feel. Although, I am a bit disappointed that there is no one for me to harmonize with. It's difficult not to feel like I've got an out of tune instrument.

I really don't see how that is possible. I've attempted many times throughout my life and it never stuck.



I didn't understand that to be what you specifically meant. I live with a roommate, as I cannot afford to live on my own. My family are all in another country where I don't have legal residence. I couldn't go there if I wanted to and I wouldn't feel safe going there if I could. But that's a story for another thread.



I've known very few autistic women. In fact, I can only think of two women I've known that might be on the spectrum in my entire life. And both of them made it clear that they have no romantic interest in me whatsoever.

Also, from what I've observed, most autistic women don't have trouble finding partners. Unlike men, a woman can be shy and awkward and prospective partners will still be interested. One of the two aforementioned women is a close friend of mine that I've known for over 15 years. She is constantly perused by men and has been in the same average number of relationships as a neurotypical woman of the same age. And to the best of my knowledge, all of her relationships have been with neurotypical men. So even with autistic women, my two main obstacles of having to compete with neurotypical men and nearly every woman I ever meet being taken still apply.



I prefer not to dox myself.



I think I'll respond here because that's where the question has come up. I had some opinions that were unpopular in the group, foremost of which being that a cure for autism should be available for those of us who want it. I also got a lot of backlash when I disclosed that I'm a survivor of multiple sexual assaults. I've been told that several members threatened that they would stop attending meetings if I was present.