Hello everyone,
This is my first post - and I hope to contribute to the other fora when time permits.
Where to begin?
Well, back in October, I met a new lecturer in my department. I'm a PhD student, and she is not involved in my supervision, or I would not even be considering this. Another qualification I should point out is that I'm gay. I suspect the lec. is possibly gay, or confused as there have been too many comments that individually wouldn't raise my radar, but taken together, I'm quite suspect. Qualifications over, I'm trying to think how to describe the situation.
As a group, the PhD students go out drinking weekly. The lec. usually comes out with us. Now, the points in my favour are these:
(1) Eye contact - this is a big deal for me, as I really loathe it, and have to learn how to make eye contact without fearing I look like a psychopath. I'm sure this problem is familiar.
(2) Telling me quite personal details - granted, I asked, but I managed to find out things in a few hours that the others have not.
(3) Body language - to me, it borders on flirtatious, but she might be somebody whose friendly behaviour might be mistaken for more.
(4) When I disclosed I was gay to her (not a big deal, the rest of the group know, it came up in the context of talking about relationships when I mentioned an ex-girlfriend), the first things she asked were: what is it like being gay in this city? Have you always known you were gay? - To me, those are not things a straight person would normally ask, especially since we were not talking about the gay-thing per se.
The negatives:
(4) Her past (and only serious) relationship was with a man - usually, I would assume that indicated somebody was straight. However, see point numbers (2)-(4). People can, and do, have later realizations for all sorts of reasons, i.e., social pressures.
(5) Worries about professional integrity - my reasoning is that as long as two people are mature, discreet and sensible about it, it should not matter. There is no conflict of academic interest here as my supervisors are different people.
(6) Disclosing anything could be potentially embarrassing as I'll have to see her around the dept. for at least another 2 years.
It's hard to explain the situation, only to say that it seems there is chemistry there - but I might be delusional. As we only see one another in a group context, it can be hard to speak one-on-one for a long-ish period, and I think asking to meet outside the group for a coffee would appear far too forward. As strange as it sounds, it's not that I necessarily want a relationship; but I'd like to know if I'm delusional about this situation or not, and then take it from there.
I can be hopeless socially, and wondered how others would strike up conversation. I mean something interesting beyond: How is your week? And, how to find out more information without it appearing like an interrogation or asking her out. In a weird way, I think I'd be relieved to find out this is in my head - it would save me having to deal with it at some point.
24 Jan 2008, 3:36 pm
