Rules of Attraction for Aspie Women

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Hey y'all. I'm currently trying my luck with an HFA girl up in Austin and things seem to be fine between us, except that her grandmother died and since they were close, things have really slowed down between us. Since she's out of town, I was hoping to get her number soon, but she doesn't feel like talking since she's dealing with so much grief. For someone who wants a such a deep and intense connection with someone such as I, it has been very hard not being able to see or hear her, but every time I ask her about how she feels for me, she says that she's interested and that the distance that she has placed between us is due to her loss and nothing else. So I'm not too worried about my relationship with her. I just started talking to her online for at least a month now, BTW.

So while I'm waiting for her to open her heart to me (so I can then promptly snatch it ), I was wondering if there are any aspects of dating or attraction that really turn on or turn off Autistic women specifically. I've just realized that I have been romancing NTs so much, that there might be a completely different set of rules or things that either attract or disgust Autistic women that I may or may nor be aware of. What I'm saying is that, I really don't want to screw this up since she's such a nice and beautiful Autie, and if there are any pitfalls that await me on this path that I'm on, I'd like to know about them way ahead of time so that I can avoid them.

So ladies, if you would all so kindly help me, can you give me any pointers or words of advice on this matter?

Speaking from a personal perspective...

1. Do NOT smother. Many women seem to thrive on the man hovering over them etc, etc...myself I find it annoying and tend to flee.

2. Honesty.

3. Less is more. Don't feel as if you have to make up for every silent moment with small talk to keep our attention. You don't.

4. Little things mean alot. Personally, I've never been impressed with expensive cars, the new gold watch, or fancy restaurants.

5. Share your obsessions. Take an interest in hers, and share yours with her.

Basically take the rules that apply to yourself and apply them in reverse...and you should be just fine.

so, she is in great emotional need and she checks out of your relationship? Do I understand that right? I would be all over even my potential new boyfriend, not check out completely to resume later when I was 'better'.

I mean, isn't that WHY we have personal relationships with people, so we can SHARE intimate times?

Having someone check out of the relationship like that, but still string you along would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

your mileage (and patience) may vary,

Merle

A lot of AS/HFA people who love 'talking' on computers *hate* talking on telephones - could be that simple. Good luck!

I think Beenthere and CityAsylum said it very well.

I found grief hard when my dad died and withdrew into myself but that gets less with time so give her time and dont push her to share if shes not ok with that. I never felt better shareing my problems. the only advice i can give you when dating AS/ HFA women is DONT MOVE THE ORNAMENTS!! and DONT REARRANGE THE BOOKS!! - I would consider murder for that

I don't think he needs to be worried. People who are depressed, either from biological reasons or loss of someone they love, often remove themselves from people, even those they feel attached too. This isn't uncommon.

She may be very depressed or feeling a lot of hurt and may not want to put all her emotions onto you (she may think it will burden you). If you feel that you want her to share, tell her you will there for her anytime she wants to talk about it. Then tell her you miss her and you want to help her through this.

You should definitely tell her that you need more time with her, but it is good that you are giving her room. She may not feel that she knows you well enough to "cry on your shoulder."

well, thank you all for telling me I am off track with my honest Aspie answer.
I am used to it by now, even among other Aspies.

I wish you all well with your gentler lives that all turned out better than mine obviously did.

Merle

When my father passed away I withdrew...my boyfriend at the time didn't understand it. I cared greatly for him...I just couldn't share those emotions...with him, with anyone.

For some of us grief can be a very personal thing I think...for me it was.

Aww, sinsbodly, what everyone said is definitely not an attack on you, personally. It's just they are inpretating the situation differently. You could be right as well.

I said 'off track' not attack, I didn't say anyone attacked me. Hell, I would kick asses and take names if I thought someone was ATTACKING me.

Merle

She's just keeping me at arms-length. She hasn't really checked out of the relationship entirely. I've also tried to tell her that times like these are what friends are good for, but she still wouldn't budge on giving me her number. I guess I have no other choice but to wait this out.

So they don't like constant contact? I've been sending her an e-mail everyday or so, just a nice greeting and let her know that I care about her and support her in this time, but do you think once everyday is too often? Maybe I should switch to every couple of days? It's nothing really heavy. Just basically saying "what's up" and let her know that I'm behind her. That’s all. They’re just meant to uplift her and her day a notch or two, hopefully.

Thanks ladies. If you have more advice or helpful information, please don’t hesitate to pour it on me.

as you can see, there is no 'one size fits all' with any woman, Aspie or not. Some may feel you checking in is a nice gesture, some may feel it is pressure. That is the old 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' issue that make working with human beings so gosh darned interesting/frustrating.
But if she didn't give you her number before she started keeping you at arms length, then she might not ever give you her number, nothing personal about your approach or non approach. Timing is everything in life and your very presence before and after that time of grief might bring that up in her and she may not care to (or be able to bear it) to have that association revisited everytime she talks to you. But then she may feel very caring and grateful about someone that was checking in with her, too.
But being an Aspie myself, I would more and likely might just sidetrack what we ever had before the big emotional thing happened and wonder who this guy was that was still emailing me all the time.

but as to what turns on an Aspie lady, I would like to say that being a caring individual that would even ASK the questions, do the research, listen to others advice and opinions would really pique MY interest! Yes, indeedy! That shows REAL potential for a mate for this Aspie woman.

Merle

For about six months after my mom died, I could hardly stand to interact with anyone I hadn't known for years.

hence my answer about 'no size fits all women, Aspie or not'
I am a true believer that grief is intensely personal experience and I don't envy those that feel grief more intensely than I can. It is variable when and what I can feel and when I do feel something other than obsession to the feelings others have naturally.

Merle

It was somewhere between one and two weeks from meeting her that her grandma died, so there wasn’t much of our relationship that occurred before her loss. We we’re still getting to know each other then as we still are, but the theme of our relationship for the most part has been dealing with this loss.

Another thing about her that I forgot to mention in my OP was that she is very shy too. She’s very, very guarded, but that’s not surprising to me considered the way that most people like us are treated growing up. She said her last boyfriend dumped her really badly and that the only reason he went out with her in the first place was because they were both autistic. It’s been about two years since then, and it doesn’t sound like he was a great guy to begin anyway. I keep trying to convince her that I am not this man. Trying to convince her to give me just one chance to show how generous and loving I can be to and how deep a connection I want with a woman. I keep telling her how beautiful she is (she is very pretty, none of those compliments come from flattery), how much I care about her well-being, and how I can’t wait to spoil her this Valentine’s Day.

I guess I worry sometimes about coming on too strong, which has been a problem for me in the past, but every time I ask her if I am, she just laughs it off and tells me that she likes the attention I give her and the questions I ask her. She says she likes me and is willing to give me a chance and that she’ll let me know when she’s ready to talk. She even told me one time that I’m “cute.” Now correct me if I’m wrong ladies, but you usually use the word “cute” to describe a guy that you’re attracted to sexually right? I mean, whenever I’ve heard a woman use that word, it’s because she’s really into him; his looks and otherwise.

Well I hope the space between us is just a combination of her shyness and the bad loss that she’s going through. I tell her all the time that I’m right here and available for anytime that she wants to talk. I hope my actions and words haven’t been interpreted as pressure, but it seems like she’s alright with how I’m working her.

Sinsboldly, your point is a valid one, about if I haven’t received her number yet I may not ever get it. It’s kind of where my fears are originating. I certainly hope that is not the case here, but every indication I’ve seen tells me to wait and be patient. Then again, I’m AS and my ability to read and predict one’s feelings and intention isn’t 100% obviously.