Argument with girlfriend... need advice

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Last night, my girlfriend said she was worried that I didn't truly love her, and that the love I had for her was only because of how she had helped me and believed in me... and when she asked me why I loved her and I couldn't answer, she got very upset and demanded I stop and think about why... when I did I realised that I couldn't think of anything...

After everything we've accomplished, I'd completely forgotten about the most important thing - her as a person. This almost destroyed the most wonderful thing to ever happen to us, and it's all my fault...

What should I do? I don't want to break up, because I was a mess before she came along and I don't want to go back there... but I'm the only thing holding her up now and I don't want to think about how a breakup would affect her...

Thanks in advance...

You want ASPIES to give you relationship advice? Good luck with that

No harm in trying. But no I can't help.

Same happened to me, although Elton John was still bald the,,
Don't sit and expect reasons to come flooding in, your reaction should tell you a lot ( my reaction told me a lot, but I'd left it far too late to make peace), when I take things for granted I don't usually have lists of reasons for liking/disliking them, but I do have feelings about them. If your girlfriend doesn't really matter, you don't really have any reasons to be with her, then why are you upset about it? I'd explain that although you had never sat down and thought about how much you wanted/needed her around she is like oxygen, expand on that and don't repeat my mistakes.
Best Wishes.

The post below by AbominableSC sounds far more practical than this though.

Last edited by jb814 on 19 Sep 2005, 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

Um, I haven't been in too many relationships so take this advice with a grain of salt... It kind of sounds like she just needs to feel special in some way... Some kind of romantic dinner with flowers, nice wine, delicious steak, the whole works, maybe?

I'm not sure why its not enough for her that you're there to support her since it certainly sounds like she needs your support just as much as you need hers. "People were meant to go through this world in twos" as they say and it sounds like you two are right for each other! I'm sure there is some quality to her character or appearance which is unique just to her out of all the women you've had serious attractions to, so you just need to bring it up when you see that/find that.

Or you could just make up some crap about how radiant she looks when the sunlight hits her face, that probably works too.

I've hit this kind of problem with my SO on many occasions. It's not that I don't have any feelings (I would feel devestated if we were to actually spit up), it that when anyone asks me what I feel my immediate reaction is that I don't feel anything. I think this is because I don't recognise emotions in myself particularly well unless I spend some time thinking about them. This is a general problem with feelings, not just a romantic ones.

It definitely helps if your partner understands about such problems. While mine does, it's still occasionally difficult if he expects me to react to something with a declaration of love or similar but I didn't pick up on the need to do so. However, we both now understand how I am and so working problems like this out isn't the catastrophe it once was ("what do you mean you don't feel anything!" etc...). It probably also helped that my partner's first language is not English, so a lot of these problems got attributed to linguistic barriers in the early stages of our relationship.

Not to start this post on a depressing note, but I just broke up with a girlfriend of two years. The issue that you mention (difficulty with expressing one's emotions) didn't cause the breakup, but it certainly did crop up between us several times before that.

The most important thing for you to do in this situation is to be honest with yourself. Try to analyze your own feelings for her, and don't be afraid of where that leads you. Your girlfriend wants to know that you feel a certain way about her (i.e., that you love her), but don't let that influence your introspection.

In my case, I eventually realized that I really considered my SO a good friend, whereas she thought of me as a romantic partner. I think that I'd felt that way for a long time, but I never admitted it to myself or to her. I'd been afraid of hurting her and afraid of how the emotional fallout from such an admission would affect me, but being dishonest only made the admission more difficult in the long run.

Please don't take this the wrong way - I'm not implying that you don't love your girlfriend. Just be honest with yourself while you examine your feelings, and you will find an answer.

Tell her that love without a grocery list of items to rationalize it is the truest love of all.

Actually, that sounds like a reason to love someone. Love isn't magic that floats in the air; it is the product of mutual help, belief, respect, etc.

She's going through something, and this is just the symptom. Be patient, and as someone suggested above, trot out a little romance.

I hope that doesn't sound sexist. After all, you'll probably enjoy it too.

How long have you been seeing each other? Is she looking for more of a commitment?

By expounding on the second paragraph of your initial post, you may find enough persuasion to woo her towards an even strongere bond.

By recognizing her as a person, being the most important thing, humbly accepting responsibility and accentuating the wonderful nature of your relationship, the formula is already in your heart to find a mutual path with her.
She must be similarly inclined to rekindle the flame, though.

Good luck!

Love has no reasons. Tell her that love needs no reasons.
Love is madness. Tell her that you are mad.
Love sees no faults. Tell her that she's perfect.
Love is trust. Tell her that you love her.

But I suppose nothing in life is ever simple. I have never been in a relationship nor in love and so in matters of love I can help you not. Good luck in attaining your desires and dreams.

Though I do think it important to examine your feelings about your girlfriend, I think her complaint sounds pretty immature. Loving someone because they've helped you through a difficult time is a perfectly valid reason to love. So is loving them because they are the only person who would love you back. The only thing you need is the ability to be strong and happy (relatively speaking) without someone else. Too often people are united in weakness rather than strength, and although everyone has their share of weaknesses, it is better to build a relationship upon a positive and generous feeling rather than neediness.

I love you because:

My favorite...
"I can no longer imagine my life without you in it."

or

"You make me whole"
"My entire life it felt like something was missing, since I've found you I no longer have that feeling"
"You make me a better, more complete person."
"You're everything I want, and everything I'm not."
"You complete me"

Real love is an act of will. Love is selflessness in the face of need. The opposite of love is not hate, it is selfishness. Women want to know they are loved through many small acts of sacrifice, not words. Get her a glass of water, take her to dinner for no reason, give up that last piece of chocolate or pizza. It sounds like she is having doubts because she isn't feeling the affirmation of your affection through your actions. Tell her something nice, but then show her that you love her. You don't need a big display just do a whole lot of small things for her.

--Chris

Truer words have not been spoken. I think it was Oswald T. Pratt, whom in his wonderful motivational book You Are Worthless: depressing nuggets of wisdom sure to ruin your day stated that:

Aaron, to come up with a smooth answer to that you're gonna have to do some soul searching and figure out yourself what it is about her that you really love.

In a way though it's kinda harsh of her to put you that much on the spot like that, at least in my opinion, and even if she's mad that you didn't have an answer I hope she comes arround to the realization that most people couldn't answer something like that right off the cuff. That's a big question that's felt in usually to abstract a way to sum up in a few words and convince the other person that your legit in what your saying.

If you feel more of a spiritual or gut level connection with her than you have with almost any other woman you've met or like you feel more at home in her presence than with most people (ie. the likenesses you have are that good) then you could find a way of explaining that and answering her in that way. Then again those are just the things I'd work with, I'm also a guy who's been single all but one month of his life and my way of thinking on this may be too dry and practical to every work well enough for a lot of women's needs or wants.

First off, my visceral responses to two pieces of advice thus far:

Don't tell her she's perfect; she'll know you're lying. Nobody's perfect. If somone convinces you they're perfect, they're perfect at deception; which is in itself an imperfection, unless you view deception as a good thing, in which case you could have buls---ed your way through this a lot quicker. ((Which would be a bad idea.)) ((And BTW, love DOES see flaws; it just employs logic (i.e. shuts itself down for a moment) to figure out how to deal with said flaws. Blind love is a step in a long path to, at best, bad relationships, and at worst, abusive ones. I've seen it.))



NO! Never think someone else completes you! NEVER! You are not a walking "half" of a person! You are complete with or without her! No matter how much you love her, do not forget that.



Just because you mind blanked out under pressure does not mean you don't have reasons. The first thing to do to put both of your minds at rest, as far as I can guess, is to write a list of her good qualities/how you work well together. ((She is more than a list but that seems to be what she was asking you to give, so, give the lady what she wants.) From the phsycial (possible example: "Even from the first time I saw you, I thought you were hot" -but put it nicer than that and don't list her phsycial attributes first, it'll piss her off) to the mundane (possible example: "I love how you look when you smile") to the emotional (possible ex. "You're a sweet, caring person") to the more important issues of how she works for/with you (possible example: "You know how to calm me down when I'm upset.") I know she was worried about the emotional component, so be careful there not to say "I love you as a therapist" because that is obviously what she's afriad of. Women do, for example, like to be called pretty, provided they don't think they're merely objects (a subtle difference). Be sure that she knows that, yes, you're glad she helpd you, but you aslo understand the good qualities she has which do not directly benefit you but which are nevertheless something you like about her.

That is step ONE, because it sounds to me like she was feeling vulnerable/insecure and needed to know that either A. she posessed enough qualities to be worth staying with, or B. You were aware, yourself, that she posessed enough qualities to be wirth staying with. Step two is extracurricular. List all the things about yourself that would make her want to stay with you. Be honest. Is there give-and-take? Are you supporting her or flattering her or whatever it is that she'd doing for you? If not, this DOES NOT MEAN that you need to end the relationship, it means you may have found the source of the problem- it's give on her end, take on yours, and she feels like she's being used (which is another thing I might guess given what you've told me- HER perception, not reality). (By the way, if you're doing all the work, bring it up to her when she's feeling less vulnerable. It's worth doing.) If I were you I'd ask her if she thinks you're doing enough (only do this after you've made YOUR list so you can counter- don't get pissed, just do nicely remind her of the good stuff about you AFTER you've given her the good stuff about her). If she doesn't, ask her, realistically, what you can do to fix it. It's a sign of maturity not to just say "I can't fix this" but to ask, first, if there's a way you can.

Of course, I'm an Aspie who knows little about her own gender or about guys, and has only been in one relationship, this for a very short time, and has never witnessed a functional parental relationship. So, take what I said with a grain of salt, if any of it sounds good, than yay, total wasn't a total loss.

Last edited by Serissa on 29 Sep 2005, 7:10 am, edited 1 time in total.