Manipulating people is "polite"

Post Reply New Topic

I've seen the subject of manipulation come up a bit, and the other day a NT said something to me that I think is quite interesting, they said that they manipulate people because it's polite! At least compared to telling people what to do anyway... I disagree myself, I'd rather be told what to do than be manipulated into doing it.

What do you lot think?

I agree with you in principle, as it sounds horrible otherwise. Could you give an example of the manipulation they deemed acceptable?

The only anomaly I can think of at the moment is when a boss asks a worker to do something. In the places where I have worked it's just polite. So when the boss says "Could you please take this report to Personnel", what is meant is "Oy, you, minion, take this report to Personnel". There isn't actually a choice of whether the minion gets to do it, but it's accepted as the polite way to do things.

Maybe it's just the British way, as a boss giving orders the rude way will find that the workforce has suddenly taken another tea break every time they ask for something.

Well it seams the "proper" way to tell someone to do something is to manipulate them into doing it e.g.

NT says: It would nice if someone shoveled the snow off the walkway.
Most NT's would infer: Oh maybe I should go shovel the walkway.

My Response: I go in and out the garage so why does the walk need shoveled?
or agree that the walk needs to be shoveled but miss that they are asking me to shovel it.

They should just ask the person to shovel the walk. So much easier to understand.

Last edited by smokiethebear912 on 05 Jan 2010, 1:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That may be *your* response, but mine would probably be - 'Agreed. If you want it doing, why don't you do it yourself?'

Not all 'Enties' would infer 'oh, I need to go shovel the walkway'.

Really, all you need to do to be polite is put 'please' in front of a command, showing that t's a request.

So true.

The rule in society is to get people to do things by getting them to think it was their idea.

That is only done via manipulation.

Generally speaking, nobody likes being told what to do by someone else when the other person does not have the rightful authority to be giving orders (superiors, parents, etc.).

I'd have to ask what they mean by "manipulate." If the people are on the same page and everyone knows what's going on, is it manipulation? When someone asks someone indirectly to do something, if the person who has been asks automatically translates that as a request, then they haven't actually been manipulated into doing it, have they? Manipulation generally implies purposeful deception.

[quote="smokiethebear912"]Well it seams the "proper" way to tell someone to do something is to manipulate them into doing it e.g.

NT says: It would nice if someone shoveled the snow off the walkway.
Most NT's would infer: Oh maybe I should go shovel the walkway.

My Response: I go in and out the garage so why does the walk need shoveled?
or agree that the walk needs to be shoveled but miss that they are asking me to shovel it.

They should just ask the person to shovel the walk. So much easier to understand.[/quote

I love this example.

My approach to life...if it's not logical, don't bother me with it.

In some languages (probably a lot of indoeuropean, I guess) that is so, just not in English. In English it putting 'please' in front of a request does not make it polite, phrasing it as a question does. It's a (dumb) quirk of a particular language, one that most foreigners miss (so I have my excuse ).

I think it can be polite to tell a white lie as to not hurt someones feelings but I can see no way in which manipulation is polite.

I view White Lies as manipulation and they bother me to no end. I try to avoid having to give a white lie as must as I can, they make me feel like s**t.

^ So if someone gets a bad haircut and asks if you like it, is it so wrong to say something like "Its ok" or "I like it" as not to hurt them? I would rather not say to someone "Your haircut is ugly. It makes you look like an orangutan." That would hurt someone, and ruin their day.

I agree. I never tell white lies, unless I have a proper reason for doing so.

However, if for example someone asks if I like their haircut, and I don't, I'll say so. Though more often then not I won't notice any difference, and if that's the case I'll say so. My mum hates me doing this, but it's a lot better than lying to her about stupid little things IMO.

I have gotten into SOOOOO much trouble so many times over stuff like this. In this situation I would "agree that the walk needs to be shoveled but miss that they are asking me to shovel it." Most of the time this is misconstrued as my being a smartaleck, and the NTs get really angry.

Fortunately, as time passes, I keep getting better at inferring what people really mean when they make comments like that. However, I still manage to make people mad sometimes. I wish people would just come right out and say what they mean!

But telling them you like it means they'll be walking around under the impression that it's a good haircut.

Ever seen X Factor? A lot of people on that were told white lies - namely, that they could sing. Look where it got them.

Truth hurts. Lies are just postponing the pain.

My mother is one for the indirect request, but it irritates me so much I feel compelled to pretend I don't understand what she's getting at. It makes me feel like she must think I'm stupid, so I play the part. I don't see what the big deal is in " Would you please shovel the walk?". Particularly when it's a request she could easily do herself like make a pot of coffee. Once at a family gathering and everyone was sitting in the living room, she asked me if I would like some coffee. I said yes and she said "OK go make some." That irritated me so I said "never mind I don't need coffee". Then the next person walks in the room and she tries the same gambit. They were onto her too so they"changed their mind". When the 3rd person walked in and she started up again we all shouted "Don't fall for it!" We had a laugh but if she had directly asked me to make a pot of coffee I would have done it in a heart beat. I must have been in an obstinate mood, but she is really bad about the "subtle" manipulation.