People read me wrong

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I remember when I was first starting in my current job and two of the people who started at the same time as me said after a few months that they wished they had talked to me sooner but were too scared to because I looked angry all the time. I think it is just because I am thinking a lot, all the time. And yes, to the person who said people always doubt what you're saying you feel because your body language says otherwise...oh my gosh. Every day. Every day I have some "empathetic" NT coming up to me asking me if I'm ok and pushing me to tell them I'm not, because my body language is portraying something other than my mouth says. So frustrating.

I liked my old boss a lot because he was one of the first managers I formally disclosed that I have autism to, and he actually took the time to learn about it and understand me. He said he used to get a lot of feedback from people around me, saying that I was being b*tchy or having a bad day and stuff, when all I was really doing was being direct and to the point but maybe applying the wrong tone of voice. He had many a conversation with those people telling them to take the body language and tone out of the conversation and listen to what I was actually saying. I am not a very huggy person but seriously I could hug that man for sticking up for me.

RaspberryFrosty, thank you. I'll remember that, I hope--we often use nvbl for nonverbal. I've always been the opposite--"hyperlexic," with the advanced for my age vocabulary and sounding like a "little professor" when talking to teachers, librarians and other adults. Now I just get told to stop showing off my vocabulary and specialized knowledge. I like medical terminology, though! I had to stop myself just today from telling the facilities manager that the plural of crisis is not crisises, but crises.

That was me, and yesyesyes. I have a sad/angry resting face. I've been told since I was very small that I should smile more, because people want to think I'm happy. Well, maybe I'm just concentrating or content, but it takes a genuine spontaneous happy feeling or a conscious effort for me to smile. Usually I don't think about it, I just relax my face--and I look sad or angry or worried.

The what's wrong, are you ok thing--I've gotten to where I can't stand to hear "what's wrong." I don't hear compassion or concern in those words anymore; I don't hear an offer to relax and talk about whatever niggling thing might be bothering me. If you do, and it's a sound they can't even hear or your scratchy clothes tag or an odd turn of phrase that made no sense to you, the NT's don't understand why that bothers you anyway. All you do is confirm that you're weird. But when people say "what's wrong" to me--especially family, who know I'm freaky and I thought I had their acceptance and unconditional love--all I hear anymore is and angry ] ] What's wrong with you? Why can't you be more normal? Why can't you smile regardless of how you feel, don't you know it makes me uncomfortable to see you frowning all over the place all the time? [/ ]

And it just makes me . Although I remember telling my mom the same thing about her face when she was playing organ at church every Sunday. She had this look of concentration while she was reading music and playing, but her profile looked like she was scowling. Like she didn't like being the Church organist--when I know from talking to her that it was great joy for her to serve this way. She just had to concentrate to read the music! Maybe she's a little bit autistic too? She definitely has some social skills deficits.



I wish people would do that for me--anyone. But all I get is "well now that you know what's wrong with you, you know what to work on to change it and act more personable." Grr! It's not that easy! It's like telling a color blind person that since s/he knows s/he's colorblind, all s/he has to do is study those shades of gray harder until s/he can tell which one is red/blue/green/yellow/orange/purple/gray/brown. Not.

I love hugs. Does that mean it's not really Asperger's? Or is that a "may have" trait? Because I feel a physical depletion if I go too long without a hug or a caress of some sort. Just like I feel a potassium deficiency or a caffeine/sugar crash.

I used to be hyperlexic as a youngster. It put me in good stead with adults--it didn't help my relations with other children, though.

My father is a huggy-huggy type--and I've always hated hugs, especially from men. I have sensory-type difficulty with hugs, and I've been conditioned to not like them from men, because it's "unmanly," somehow.

I don't mind hugging ladies, though.

I've always had a naïve, "friendly" face. I've been taken advantage of plenty of times because of this face!

Yep, same here. Sometimes I find myself smiling or having an internal laugh about something completely spontaneous and random and I am sure that makes people wonder what's going on my noggin. Similarly, it takes a conscious effort to smile and when I do smile (for photos etc) I always think I've forgotten how to smile and think I'll look like an idiot.



Thankfully, at work, I think my old manager and my current manager have enough of an understanding to know that there are just going to be some things that will bother me and shake me up no matter how small, but I can't say the same for the other people I work with or my 'friends'. The family I used to have would impose those stupid NT rules like "SMILE!" and "Look at me in the eye!" and would get really cranky when I just couldn't (especially the eye contact thing!).



I don't think enjoying hugs means you don't have Aspergers. I love hugs too - just from the right people and as long as I initiate it or I have advanced warning of the contact. I could hug certain people all day every day, to feel safe. For me it has become a learned behaviour over years - I never used to hug anyone growing up. When I still had a relationship with my dad he would guilt me over the fact that at some 4-years old, I refused to hug my grandfather on his deathbed. I would flat out have a meltdown when I was forced to hug anyone - it's not a personal thing!

Yeah, that NT "smile" rule--that seems to apply more to women and girls than to men and boys, though. It's like that east coast downtown campaign--don't tell me to smile. Where random strange men telling women they don't know to smile is being lumped in with sexual harassment.

I think it might be going a little too far to call it sexual harassment, but I do agree that nobody has the right to insist that a perfect stranger smile just because he's been socially conditioned to believe that he's entitled to see pretty faces with happy expressions all the time. You don't know what I'm going through, don't ask me to smile when for all you know my whole world just fell apart.

And eye contact--I'm so hyper-conscious of it now. Too little? Too much? If I'm actually counting the seconds while I maintain eye contact doesn't that make it even more obvious that it isn't natural for me to look into your eyes for 1-3 seconds and then look away? Plus all I do is think about your eye shape, your eye color, the length of your eyelashes and form of your eyebrows, whether your sclera are white or bloodshot--I think NT's are looking for other things. Like the flicker, the spark, the dilation of the pupils, the crowsfeet in the corners of your eyes, narrowing or widening or asymmetry or quirking the brows--and all that means something that they understand without even thinking about it? How do they feel all that stuff and still process the words they're hearing? Or do they just fudge on the words and get all their messages from the facial cues and other non-verbals? And what are my eyes saying to them? What I'm usually thinking, especially with co-workers, is actually "I'd like it if you liked me but I'm afraid you don't really like me." And if the stuff I've read about mirror neurons is true, then that's the message I'm accidentally planting in their subconscious minds every time we make eye contact: "I want you to like me but you don't like me and I'm not sure if I like you." Doesn't go very far for making friends at work.



Well that's good. Me too, on the all day long part! There are days when I wish I could just spend every waking moment hugging and cuddling and being hugged by my husband.

kraftiekortie, I think I'd rather have a "friendly" face even if it is naive. People take advantage of me anyway, but I'd rather it were because they thought I was friendly and naive than angry!
It's good you like hugs, but saying you don't mind with ladies and hate it from men sounds a little creepy. You probably don't mean it that way but it accidentally adds a sexual element to the hugging to gender discriminate like that. Nothing wrong with a good confident bro-hug between two guys!

What I really hate is smiling randomly at inappropriate times, makes things real awkward and I end up looking like I am being rude. What's ironic is that if someone told me to smile I wouldn't know how to do it.

Girls always judge me negatively, probaby think I'm a creep, becuase I'm looking at them, the majority of a certain kind.

That might be because of #YesAllWomen and #friendzone.

There are ways to look at women that does not make us uncomfortable: short, sideways glances are okay with most women--even neurotypical women. Staring--which most NT's define as more than 3-5 seconds--usually creeps women out. It's hard for us on the spectrum to gauge the appropriate length of time to look at someone's face, and even harder to learn the subtle nonverbal cues that warn "you're overdoing it."

If you read much on Dating & Relationships, though, you'll realize that heterosexual neurotypical males also have trouble with this. Probably that has to do with sex drive and testosterone.

"Certain kind" of girls get sick of getting looked at by a "certain kind" of guy. If you can learn to glance at them a couple times, then smile at them and look away a couple times, take note of whether or not they smile back--that return smile means it would probably be okay to go say "hi my name is Borden." If she tells you her name, you can talk to her.

This is much better than staring. Nobody likes to be stared at, least of all pretty young women. It makes us uncomfortable because it's objectifying.

Now, maybe those girls and women are reading you wrong; maybe you're not thinking you'd like to make them be your girlfriend or at least the centerpiece of your next sexual fantasy. But if you stare at girls, the majority of them will assume that. They can't read your mind.

Going back to at work with co-workers--I work in a Pediatrics office, and we have autistic patients. I think some of my co-workers and several of the doctors might recognize autism-spectrum signs in my behavior, and others don't. I'm getting to where I can guess which ones are weird-ed out by me and they don't understand it and don't like it; which ones think I'm weird, but they like weird people so they're willing to be friendly with me; and which ones actually get "hey, LD's autistic; we need to adjust our way of relating to her according to our understanding of autism." I like the ones who get autism. I wish my supervisor and the facilities manager were in that group.

I get misinterpreted all the time too. One of the most ridiculous instances was when some person actually thought I was vibrating with "rage" when I was shaking from exhaustion and nerves.

I get misinterpreted all the time too. One of the most ridiculous instances was when some person actually thought I was vibrating with "rage" when I was shaking from exhaustion and nerves I like to say that I hate it when people "read me like a book" because they tend to misinterpret the passages..

I have been in exactly that place a few times recently. Shaking with frustration, exhaustion, nerves, and even fear because I hate confrontation and even when it's only verbal I find it terrifying. But he thought I was trembling in fury at him because, in his mind, I knew he was right and was just too angry to admit it! No, I'm scared to death that you will never even try to understand where I'm coming from, much less accept me for who I am and respect my point of view! Scared that you'll walk away from me, proving that I can never get along with anyone! Scared that you'll escalate to physical violence! Just because you're never afraid doesn't mean I'm not afraid! I"m always afraid!