meeting new people: online versus real-life

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it did make sense. it was only retrogamer's comment that was confusing to me, actually

^I share the same thought process.

Real-life communication is easier because of natural flow and the other things that go naturally into a conversation like eye contact, body language, etc.

I also have to often drive the conversation completely, but I also get this in real-life too with shyer people - one-sided me asking and them giving short answers.

Sometimes it means they're not interested in conversation but not always.

I'll even ask a shy person if they're not interested in speaking to me but they'll say they are and I'm doing fine and it's just that they are shy.

Yes, RetroGamer, I find it very silly and illogical some women feel extremely unsafe being approached or asked to meet in a well-lit, open, public space politely, where even if anything were to go wrong, she could immediately cry for help and every healthy man, woman and child in the vicinity can rush to her aid.

Yes I understand women would be afraid of a man because men are stronger and such, but so long as she watches her drink to make sure he doesn't put anything into it and she does meet somewhere very public and crowded, there's not much he could get away with for very long.

The worst the man could do is secretly pull a gun on her through his shirt or something, but it shouldn't take too long before at least one person notices when they're walking away and calls the police.

"what's still ahead for you is already ancient history for me. so i'm not so much talking about prevailing preferences as i'm talking about what technology can (or can't) offer you compared to old-school socialization, regardless of current trends. the challenges of social isolation (and their respective solutions) at your age and mine are probably worlds apart"

Alright, but how?

What are you trying to say exactly, that it should be easier for young people who use the internet and social media to make friends this way?

If so, I have nothing to look forward to.

I see a lot of young people use the internet for online gaming and can meet others this way. I don't play online at all.

I can see how the internet has helped me feel less social isolation, but lurking the ForeverAlone sections of Reddit and Social Anxiety forums for the purposes of seeking advice to learn how I'll do things in the future or just seeking out an echo-chamber of others that share my beliefs to make me feel validated as a person and occasionally chatting to friends on facebook isn't exactly what I'd call any useful socialization.

I find online conversations easier because I can escape quickly and easily.
IRL I keep conversations brief because there is a limited amount of time before I unintentionally do or say something that is perceived as odd or awkward. I often times don't realize my awkwardness at the time but can deftly perceive the other person's reaction to something. It sometimes takes weeks before I will suddenly understand to what the other was reacting. It's typically a misinterpretation of my intent because of my odd mannerisms or wording.
This natural flow concept is something that I rarely achieve except with my immediate family.
Also any longish duration interaction whether IRL or online is exhausting and I have to go process it.

Anagram you have captured a lot of the same emotions and feelings I have had and you do it very eloquently.
The phone as parasite is hilarious. I dislike phones too and have to consciously force myself not to get off them more quickly than I should.

if they do express a fear of "murderers", then i think what's silly is the way how they put it. but stalkers are a different story. they do have reason to fear stalkers. still, i don't think fear of criminally shady types is the real point. it's just that they want enough emotional motivation to outweigh the risks of letting their guard down. because if they can't let their guard down and if they believe they'll just be tense all the time, then what's the point. if tension is all they can picture when they imagine meeting you, then they won't want to meet you


that, i do not know. especially since you live in a different continent and, yes, there's the generation thing. but age still makes a lot of difference. not so much the number itself, but the stage of your life where you're at. "what's behind you and what lies ahead", like i said. what you miss and what you want to distance yourself from (i.e. you past), and what you're working towards and what you look forward to (i.e. your future). and also those same things, for your peers. those things determine your relationships (and potential relationships) in general to a large extent


not necessarily. your generation is "kids these days" to me . i won't pretend i understand kids these days. i barely understand people my age. but the kinds of contexts and opportunities you have or might have are different from the ones i have or could have. what you want from friendships is probably different from what i want (even though it's probably the same as what i wanted when i was your age). and the kinds of friendships you'll make are also different from mine

at this point i'm mostly interested in connecting with people who are basically living the kind of life they intend to keep living until their old age. and, at my age (or what i perceive as "my age range"), they exist. last year, my friend told me, "life starts when you're 30". she was right. i don't compare myself to 20-somethings anymore. my priorities are vastly different from what they used to be. and after having gone through some turbulent phases, even my values are significantly different (more consistent, thankfully)

for better or for worse, your life as you know it will be over in 5 to 15 years. and the same goes for most everyone you could meet and connect with. until then, you'll probably be busy figuring out what kind of lifestyle you want for yourself, and how to afford it. you're navigating rough terrain full of natural resources. on the other hand, when i look ahead, what i see is empty space. and then old age, far away in the distance. i could just keep living this groundhog day forever and i'd be (technically) fine. so the terrain is easy to traverse, but, well, empty

both landscapes have potential to be explored, but the navigation is essentially different. and the role human connection plays is respectively different. which means that the nature of the commonalities that promote those connections is also different. which also means that the means and contexts that will help you explore these commonalities are probably different (as well as the specific ways how they will or might help you with it)

Last edited by anagram on 29 Aug 2016, 12:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

i often wonder how is that even possible. sometimes i'm having a casual conversation with someone, or maybe even just doing something by myself, and then it's like a lightbulb goes on in my head, "oh! so that's what was happening in that trivial 20-second-long interaction 10 years ago. but why am i even thinking of it right now? i do not know. oh well, doesn't matter anyway"


i guess i have a lot of time to kill


yes, that is a problem. it's hard to have any priority other than "getting it over with as quickly as possible" when i'm on the phone. if i don't prepare a script (written notes. mental notes are not enough), it's almost guaranteed that i'll forget something important

Talking to people online is easier for me in some ways. In real life I have a lot of frustration over not having any control over the topic. It's not so bad one-on-one, but in groups it's a nightmare for me.

exactly

i still wonder though if and how it would be possible for me to have pleasant interactions in groups irl. one of the reasons why this subject has been on my mind even more than usual lately is because i have one possible way in mind, and i might have the chance to explore it in a near future... as i mentioned in another thread, there's a chance i'll be moving next year to a place where recreational marijuana is fully legal. but it's not even legally sold, it's only legally produced by smokers themselves, in small licensed clubs. it's a social activity in itself. but, in itself, it's devoid of content. the essential commonality is just the facilitator involved

i do believe i'll probably find like-minded people in that kind of environment. but, for me to be able to spot them, and for it to be a positive thing, i need to have ideas in my head. this is the number one reason why i'm here on wp

For me, the initial steps are always easier to take online. As stated previously, though, the problem with online interaction is that it can die off.

I met my best friend online 6 years ago, and we quickly got into the habit of trying to see each other in person at least once a year. I like to think that meeting in person as soon as possible and as often as possible afterwards is essential when it comes to friendships established online.

I'd like to bring in the anxious woman's perspective. Keep in mind though that I have generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, and I know that many women think nothing like I do.

For me, it's not about the small talk. It is about looking for signs that the person isn't who they say they are. I'm looking for signs of their compassion, or lack thereof, signs that they have positive goals that include other people, indications of their other friendships, ETC. I'm looking for signs of their honesty or dishonesty also. The fact that shady types can be very skilled at putting on personas scares the hell out of me BTW, but I still believe I can catch some of them with some cautious conversation.

The thing about verbal conversation is that it's usually fast-paced and spontaneous, so it's harder to be someone else for very long. Also, I'm hoping that the shady types and the one-track-mind types will give up, or at least some of them will.

Let's say the stats are 5 percent shady, and I think that's a conservative number. That means that I'm likely to come across at least one if I meet guys regularly. It's safer for me not to meet every guy online and to instead pick and choose. I need to feel like if I'm taking the risk and getting sick to my stomach, there needs to be an incentive.

Yes, I want to feel more at ease before I make the effort to meet people. As a blind person, I have to be even more cautious because I can't always watch my drink.

Yes, I'm very concerned about stalkers, dark prankster types, and people who mean others harm. I've run into quite a few shady people online, way more of them than in real life, so my experiences alone make me more wary.

I really don't like small talk and I try to move conversations along to hobbies/interests and also to topics that are important to me or to the person I'm talking to.

Sorry if this was too long. I wanted to explain in depth because it's clear there's a disconnection.

Oh. I get it now. If only they'd just said that. I took them literally.

I agree that talking would be a good way to get to know one another but as I said I'd find it much easier to talk in a cafe or restaurant than through a computer.

I don't mind chatting with folks on WP because there is actually context here. What is the subject on OKC? Vapid smalltalk. I have a hard time talking about nothing because to me it really is nothing.

Oh. Sorry. I misunderstood. It probably sounded really patronising me trying to explain an elementarily basic metaphor.

Men may be stronger but no one can break the law without consequences. Not in a crowded place and not even alone.

Women may be weaker but within society that makes them stronger. That gives them protection. In spite of what some say men hate to see other men beating up women. They will intervene forcefully. Strongest of all are children because they are the weakest. That makes them the strongest because they get the most protection from bystanders.

So remember that within the crowd, the stronger you are, the weaker you are. No one is coming to your aid if you get into a fight. But the man who fights a woman in a public space also fights ten other men. A single woman can outnumber him ten to one (with a little help from strangers).

This is good news for women. They can live without fear.

IRL is more difficult for me, because there are so many social nuances that I just don't get. I'm also not a good conversationalist, and prefer to retreat into my tablet.

Conversely, I am more successful with connections IRL. I find it frustrating, but recognize it as the status quo.

That would be very helpful.That makes sense. Positive goals that include other people is an interesting one. For me, when I think of positive goals they're usually career related. Perhaps I should be less narrow minded regarding goals.Bad news for me It's hard for me to be fast-paced and spontaneous in any conversation but in my case that results from me being socially awkward, not from being someone other than who I say I am.

If you want to gauge someone based on fast responses, that would be more effective in person or at least over the phone. In dating site chats, it can be very common for 10 or 20 minutes to elapse between each response on both sides. That affords a lot of time for the would be sociopath to plan his responses slowly and carefully.I wish that was true but unfortunately the Hannibal Lectors of the world can be very persistent.Depends what you mean. Are 5 percent of guys sex mad? At least. Probably more. Are 5 percent of guys ax murderers? Less. Probably 5 percent of 1 percent.It must be really hard for you. All I risk is embarrassment. Really really really hard. No wonder you have social anxiety. That would make anyone worried.That's a good approach.Don't worry, it's nothing compared to the two thousand word tomes I sometimes post. Actually it was very helpful for me to hear the other side of the story.

@datab4: you're blind? wow. whatever equipment you're using, you're doing a fantastic job at navigating this website and participating here

lol that's probably one of the reasons why people seem to find it easy to trust me. i'm a terrible liar

like when i first met my ex's family. when she first told her mom about me, she was worried her mom would be worried that she only knew me from the internet, so she lied and said she met me during a trip. i told her "i'll try to play along, but i'm not promising you anything". when i first met her family, the first thing her mom asked me was what was my experience like in the place where i supposedly had met my ex. i just replied "oh i've never been there. it's not a place i'd be interested in visiting, really". it didn't even occur to me "why is she asking me about that place". my ex was unsurprised. "well that didn't take long". it took me some ten seconds to realize what had just happened . her mom liked me right away for that

for me at least, meeting soon/often is not a requirement. i think it did help solidify the connection with the friend i met, but i haven't met my other friend yet (the one i've known for 4 years). i think what makes more difference is that i intend to visit her eventually, and she says she wants to welcome me as a guest eventually. i know she means it. it could be next year or the next, i have no idea, and she has no idea either, because she has other things to worry about. but to me it doesn't matter when it's going to be, just the intention is enough

one advice i think is worth giving is, if the interaction dies off but there was no reason for it (no disagreements or anything), and you miss the person, wait until you notice that you had forgotten them, and message them asking them how they've been doing / what they've been up to (and sharing what you'd like them to know that you've been up to yourself, so they have an idea what kinds of things you want to know about them), and say what reminded you of them. that way you'll have a meaningful conversation (re)starter right there. and then just leave it at that until they reply. sometimes people won't have anything to say right away but they may reply months later once they've forgotten you again and remembered you back

it doesn't always work, but at least the bridge will be there if they want to cross it and reach you again