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gsilver
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31 May 2009, 11:32 am

Nowadays, when I hang out with people, it's far less about who I'm with, what we're doing, and even whether or not they like me, and more about simply having 'not alone' time, when I'm around other people, even for a brief amount of time.

About 5 days a week are spent completely alone, since I haven't yet found groups to hang out with, and of the ones I go to, no one likes me enough to ever hang out outside of the group.

I spend most of the week simply looking forward to the next instance of 'not alone' time. It's gotten to an obsession level, almost. When I think about it, I try to rationalize it by thinking that people generally don't and won't like me, but I have a psychological need to have some interaction with other people, so I continue to go to groups which will have me there, even if I'm largely treated with indifference.

I don't like thinking or feeling this way.

I wish that I just had some "friends", people who I hung out with because of mutual appreciation and respect, but I've probably only had two real friends in my life, and only knew both of them briefly. Enough for me to know that it's possible, but little more.



Pugly
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31 May 2009, 11:44 am

I think I've seen groups like this. It's like they are always contemptuous with each other, but they sill do things... just because they are too afraid of being completely alone.

For me my friendships have always grew out of an activity... and through that activity we joke and appreciate each others company... to the point that we don't need the activity anymore as social lubricant.

I think you also need a group of around 4~6... maybe up to 8... to really get good friendships going. With only a couple people as friends it's difficult for me to not get a little annoyed with hanging out with the same person over and over and over... as much as I like them. But a somewhat larger group you can keep the relationship going, and if someone bows out for a while... the group will still be getting together doing stuff.

What's tricky about this, is that if the core group is very connected and solid... it's hard to get new people introduced.

I think a good way is to show initiative yourself, set up things to do for others and grow friendships that way. People like it if you give them free food...

This is basically a party, but you don't have to call it that... or get drunk and stupid...


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Alphabetania
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31 May 2009, 1:02 pm

I don't think it's strange to feel that way at all. Humans are social primates. One sees behaviour even amongst other primates, where the ones which are not highly favoured by the troupe will still hang around in the hope of somehow finding their niche.

I would like to ask what the circumstances of your social contact are, because I think often that can be improved. Do you belong to a club or society, or are these just people who happen to know you, where you tag along?

I have some friends who in turn also have a shortage of friends, and so they are more appreciative of company. When people already have a lot of friends, they often don't appreciate more. Lonely people are often more understanding of the loneliness of others, and so more willing to share some kind of cameraderie or companionship. If you find other lonely people, you may find that they are willing to bond less superficially than those who tolerate you but don't really include you.

I have thought of starting an Aspie social club in my town, because although I have a lot of friends, I really would like to hang out with my own "tribe" more often. I often don't have the energy for neurotypical company, and have been spending a lot of time alone lately. Have you considered doing something like that, I mean starting an Aspie support group or social group?


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gsilver
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31 May 2009, 2:26 pm

The problem is probably due to the interconnectedness of the groups that I go to, even though the problem has been life-long. In most of the groups, the people there are generally friends, and I'm the outsider.

I've gone to things like church, a D&D group, a singles group, boardgame groups, college christian fellowship groups (I've graduated, though, and don't intend to go back), an aspergers group, a dinner social group, and a depression support group.

I don't live near the aspergers group anymore (though most of the others are still available where I am), but even they didn't want to hang out beyond the once a month meetings.

Inviting people over doesn't seem to work. They're perpetually "too busy" even though my current place has a sound system, an HDTV, and plenty of space... all the things that could make my place a good hangout spot, were I more popular.


Another barrier is my age. At 28, it seems like in all the groups I find, either the people are a lot older, or a lot younger. At this stage of life, I really can't relate to the 30+ crowd, yet I don't exactly fit in with the college crowd, either.



Alphabetania
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01 Jun 2009, 2:53 pm

gsilver wrote:
The problem is probably due to... etc.

Wow, that's baffling.

Do you see yourself as a caring person? And if so, do you think people see your attempts to serve them as being servile or desperate? If not, could the problem perhaps lie here?

I must say, the age thing doesn't really matter to me. I have no friends in my own age group.


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When I must wait in a queue, I dance. Classified as an aspie with ADHD on 31 March 2009 at the age of 43.