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ThePhantomN
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29 Mar 2010, 10:51 am

I've had a couple of ideas recently that have helped me a lot in terms of keeping conversations going and relating better to NTs. Since I know these are problems a lot of aspies (and even plenty of NTs) have, I figure these might be useful to you guys.

I know a lot of people (myself included) who have trouble getting a conversation started with someone new or even keeping one going with friends. How many times has this happened: You're trying to get to know someone, so you ask them where they're from, or what their major is, or where they work. They give a reply, and perhaps ask you the same question, but the conversation doesn't really go anywhere from there.

This happens to me all the time, and it used to bug the hell out of me. Sometimes though, I would get into a great conversation with someone that would last for a long time, but I wouldnt know how to replicate that kind of experience. Well, here's the answer, plain and simple.

Talk about feelings, not facts.

Where someone lives, what they study, where they work, etc. are all facts. They can be easily stated, and once stated, there's nowhere else to go, unless you guys have something in common. However, if you ask someone how they feel about a particular topic, like music or a movie that came out recently or last night's yankee's game, you'll do two things. First, you'll often trigger a small jolt of excitement, since people love to talk about how they feel about things. Also, you're more likely to form a connection with that person, since you both will get a better idea of how the other feels about different things.

Of course, there are some "guidelines" as to what is and isnt good to discuss with people. In general, I stick to things that I know most of the public is aware of. For instance, although I absolutely love indie music, I don't generally ask people about it immediately, since most people don't know too much about music outside of the mainstream. What I will ask them is how they thought "Inglorious Basterds" was. Everyone has either seen it, or knows about it, and a lot of people really like it, so it makes a great topic of conversation. Same thing goes for most recent movies, as well as sports, music and other topics.

You may have heard this before, but religion and politics are not good things to talk about. Although people feel strongly about these topics, I've found that unless I'm already really good friends with someone, these topics create a pretty bad vibe.

So that's all for now, hope people find this helpful!



Marsian
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29 Mar 2010, 12:27 pm

It all sounds so simple in theory but in practice it's still rocket science imo...

If I'm put in a room with an NT I wouldn't know what to say to start a conversation...

They mostly seem to talk about their kids and grandkids but I don't have any so can't join in with that.
I don't watch TV or movies because I find it too boring to engage me.

And also how do you bring up a topic that an NT might find interesting without it sounding really weird just bringing it up out of the blue?



Surreal
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29 Mar 2010, 1:21 pm

Oh WOW...I've gone through this a lot!

It's like the conversation just trails off. Occasionally, I'll meet somebody who really knows how to keep a conversation going and they are really good at give-and-take in talking. Not only that, the person will be genuinely interested in me - quirks and all :!:

I'll still be a bit unsure, but that reassurance and encouragement makes things better.



Marsian
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29 Mar 2010, 2:51 pm

OMG, I know. I go through it every time I have to leave the house.

It is utter, utter, utter TORTURE!

+ to compound the matter, I have an uncanny knack of making the other person feel uncomfortable because my own discomfort is so apparent.

It's true that it depends on the type of person though.

For me, the worst moment is the point where, I meat someone... I say 'Hi, how are you?' and they say 'I'm gd thanx, how are you?' or such like.

And then there's no script and I'm like OMG, major panic, and if the other person also isn't sure what to say it can be really awkward...

I've noticed that sometimes NTs will complement each other at this point, which can work quite well if the person is wearing nice earrings or something so sometimes I try to do that but failing that...

Clueless... :?:



ThePhantomN
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29 Mar 2010, 3:56 pm

Marsian wrote:
OMG, I know. I go through it every time I have to leave the house.

It is utter, utter, utter TORTURE!

+ to compound the matter, I have an uncanny knack of making the other person feel uncomfortable because my own discomfort is so apparent.

It's true that it depends on the type of person though.

For me, the worst moment is the point where, I meat someone... I say 'Hi, how are you?' and they say 'I'm gd thanx, how are you?' or such like.

And then there's no script and I'm like OMG, major panic, and if the other person also isn't sure what to say it can be really awkward...

I've noticed that sometimes NTs will complement each other at this point, which can work quite well if the person is wearing nice earrings or something so sometimes I try to do that but failing that...

Clueless... :?:


In general, when someone asks you how you're doing, "I'm good" is totally fine. And honestly, this isn't as big of a deal as you probably think. NTs have way more awkwardness than we give them credit for.

Awkwardness is one of those things where there's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're constantly worried about being awkward, it'll feel horrible. But if you just accept that awkwardness happens and don't worry about it when it does, you'll come across as more laid back and relaxed, and less awkward.

Like I said before, NTs themselves are actually pretty awkward. And most of them accept a certain measure of it in other people. So even if you can't be totally smooth, just remember that everyone else is having the same problem, and no one has a perfect solution.



CockneyRebel
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30 Mar 2010, 2:59 pm

I rely more on feelings, than I rely on facts, because I am a very sensitive person.


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