Not liking the interactions with a mother of a son with AS

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I have known a mother and her son who has a more severe case of Asperger's Syndrome, whom she is very protective over. He is 29 years old but acts very much like a 10-year-old. He mostly interacts with friends who function at the same level. He also interacts with me and has invited me to a few parties. His mother has been at the parties and although I have usually gotten along with her in the past, things have changed as there seems to be a tension between us.


I currently live on my own and I used to live with my aunt up until a year and 3 months ago. He currently lives between his parents who are divorced. He attends the same Autism Center that I do and is learning various social skills but not real independent ones to better teach him to be an adult.

Meanwhile, he associates with other friends who operate the the same level that he does, while their mother's visit with each other. I happen to be one of their casual friends who has been invited to the birthday parties which are child-like. This young man and his friend associate in their area, while the mothers get together and mingle. I often feel bored and out to place and try to join in the mothers. However, the mother, who likes to be the center of the group, has often shut me out of the group by telling me to go interact with the kids. She recently told me several times that I wasn't part of their conversations and that I needed to mind my own business and that I didn't know what they were talking about. At that point, I had to be assertive and honest with her and mentioned that I was about to snap and that I didn't appreciate it.

Although she did agree with me, she still acted very condescending with me after that party over a week ago when I mentioned that I didn't like my job and wanted to be somewhere else since I also didn't like my job coach either. Yet, she mentioned that I would always need a job coach and a mentor/advocate who would get me the services that I needed because her son had everything like that. Meanwhile, she was giving me a ride home and used her GPS and I happened to show her another way to get home. Yet, she snapped and said that she would use her navigating system is that was alright with me.

So I decided that I didn't need to associate with her for a while since I wasn't comfortable with the interactions. I decided this when one of the other mother's invited me to a party for her son just turned 30 who is on the. Although I would have loved to join them, the mother is friend's with the woman who invited me and I didn't feel like ruining my friend's special day.

What do you think?

I forgot to mention that when this woman dropped me off at my condo that there was this very empty feeling that that didn't make me feel good and in a way, it touched my buttons. So I sent her a message on FB telling her how I felt and that my needs were different than her sons.

Those kinds of situations strike me as very weird. I don't view AS patients as zero functioning, which is how I would justify grown people being nurtured by their parents in such a way. So I was a bit creeped out reading your post. You may need a job coach now but it's likely that you will gain the necessary social skills to obtain, perform and maintain employment without someone operating as an advocate once you discover a good pattern of how it's done. If you don't need several domineering mothers, I'd recommend distancing yourself from these people socially and spending time with independent people your age who understand AS and are supportive of you.

I had decided to steer clear of this woman and other mothers who act and talk like that because I know the truth of what I am and who I am. I understand that she is used to dealing with her son and his social peers who function at the same level. I can also comprehend that she might be jealous and I would be too. However, it's another to try and stick me into a little category just because I have "Asperger's Syndrome," like her son.

This type of behavior makes me really upset and makes me feel bad for being borderline rather than at her son's level and still either living with my parents or in a group home setting instead. Whenever I would interact with her, she would say something to me that would almost make me cry, feel bad or feel angry.

Last week was the last straw and I decided that I would remove myself from the birthday gatherings since and do what you are suggesting.

His mother and the others were all middle-aged, while one of them who I connect with is in her 60's. I do view it off that they aren't nurturing and encouraging them to be young adults and have some independent skills even if they can't be totally on their own.

I don't think these mothers want their kids to grow-up. Yes, I understand that some of these adults may not be able to live fully independently, but to not encourage them to be young adults is enabling. It is actually pretty sad.
I think the fact that you challenged this dynamic is threatening to the mother.
You, however, are thinking as an adult, such as how am I going to deal with an employment situation--do I need a new job coach? etc.

I really am curious, I don't know. What does a job coach do?

A job coach is an advocate who will get you a job in an environment and stand in place to keep someone from a disability from loosing a job. They also come in and teach you to pay attention and do your job accurately.

This mother thinks that I need these things because she feels that I don't really know how to advocate for myself which really made me angry.

The reason that I do go is because the son and his friends are all around my age and look up to me. However, since I feel awkward associating with them there is always this need to talk to the older people since I feel like I mostly function at their needs. However, since I feel out of place, I have simply decided to invest in other people my own age who are very mild like myself or NTs period know about ASDs and can be accepting. Otherwise, I am just spinning my tires.

She tried to call me on Sunday since told one of the mothers that I didn't care to be around her. I also didn't feel like taking anymore from her over the phone.

What I don't get is, why are they so protective of you? A lot of your posts seem to feature well-meaning (if slightly overpowering/ overprotective) NT women intefering in your life... do you attract these guys somehow ?

I could count the number of people who want to look after me on ... lessee.. 0 fingers! And that's including my dear old mum who's sick of the lot of us

That is ridiculous......If someone treated me that way I think it would be very hard for me not to get extremly angry and start hitting or breaking things. Sounds like this person thinks she's better or something just because she does not have aspergers. Sure there are struggles associated with this condition.......but we are not inferior.

But yeah I still have some unresolved feelings from my past, with teachers and other kids at school treating me like I was some total idiot or something...so it would piss me off beyond reason if someone did that to me.

Sweetleaf,
I am honestly learning how to control my anger by not getting aroused in a situation like that and swearing this mother when walking or sometimes loosing my temper with someone like her.

On a sidenote, I did respond by sending an e-mail to her mentioning that I felt uncomfortable being around her in a polite buisness matter. I also rejected by mentioning that I would feel comfortable if the two of us found people who would fit our needs and bring us up and people. I had also brought forward that there seemed to be a hint of jealously ever since I moved out and got into a 4-year insitution after getting a two-year degree. I had also apologized but I also mentioned that I could not please anyone. Again, I hated to have to do that but what she said in the car, I realized that what she said was pretty provocotive and maybe somewhat out of line.

I had even sent her an first self-advocacy letter on Facebook politely explaining that my needs seemed to very different than her son's. After that, I have decided that I don't care to interact with her for a while until she can accept I live on my own and do these other things.