social etiquette question

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why is it wrong to ask someone why they have blown you off or ignored you?

i only know it is because i have always considered that incredibly rude behavior, but when i have asked, the response has generally indicated to me that the person thought my asking why was rude. i have even been told that it pushes people away. i haven't asked why to be rude, i have asked why because i don't understand what a non-response is supposed to mean. and i think everyone deserves the dignity of a response.

this has puzzled me all my life. does anyone understand?

and if you're not supposed to ask why, how else are you supposed to figure out what you've done wrong?

This is something I am curious about as well, I don't consider it rude for people to ask me questions about why I did something as long as they're not being rude or accusing me of things, you know, being confrontational. If they come to me and genuinely want to discuss why I blew them off, I'll tell them. Other people don't see it this way no matter how you ask them, they get defensive and all that jazz. I'd like to know why

Me: Thank you, but I am not interested.

Him: But WHY are you not interested? Why, why, why? I can change!

Me: I am just not interested. Please go away.

Him: But please, just give me a chance! How can you decide this without even getting to know me?

Me: Go away --->

Him: Well you're just a dumb b**** and you're probably diseased too! Please, give me another chance! You're probably a dyke and no man would want you anyway! Come on, just give me a chance! Was it my goatee that turned you off? I can shave it!


^^^ That is why.

no, neither do i. i would much prefer someone asks than forms an assumption or reads (incorrectly, usually) into my behavior. i'm upset when people don't ask, as a matter of fact.



this is what i'm wondering - if it's so uncommon to follow up with this sort of thing that people interpret it as threatening or confrontational or something of that sort. as in they don't consider the idea that someone might just not understand what's going on.

a similar problem i have perpetually is that i often just don't receive responses when i ask people about things. i also think that's rude, but i've been considering that maybe it's a misinterpretation of my questioning, as either rhetorical or as an accusation of some sort. it baffles me because anyone who knows me at all knows i would not insert a hidden meaning in something i say.

anyone else?

I am no social expert. But I have a theory.

It is generally bad form to completely blow someone off. They are probably giving off nonverbal signals that they assume you are catching. By asking them about it, you have essentially called them on their bad form very directly. They were hoping you would catch their rude non verbal signals and just be off, but by asking about it verbally you have directly pointed out their bad form and because there really is no socially graceful answer they can give you at this point they get defensive.

This is just my guess.

but obviously i'm not like your example person.

i would never disrespect someone's boundaries if i understood what they were.

that makes sense.

but now what if it's someone who is a friend or who has gone out of their way to express interest in you who is blowing you off? then it doesn't make sense that you've overstepped a boundary or they've been giving signals you've missed. the behavior is just baffling.

I think you're absolutely right on that one.

Sometimes I think these NT's use these social cues as weapons in a way, like when they are well aware that we cannot pick up on them, they send them out anyway, are very indirect, and when you try to pursue the matter further they get mad at you, act like you should have known all around like you should be able to read their minds so they can make you feel like s**t and they can walk away telling themselves that you were in the wrong when they actually know exactly what you're like and what your limitations are. I've had that happen to me very recently as a matter of fact.

This is a hard one. I think there could be multiple, sometimes even mutually exclusive possibilities so pinpointing it would be hard. I think it's likely some breakdown between NT vs. AS communication styles, with the NT style being so much less direct.

NTs are fickle and mysterious. One possibility, this one has happened to me, is that they may like you but are embarrassed to be seen in public with you. I knew someone who found me very interesting to talk to, but he would ignore me whenever some of his friends were around I think because he didn't want to be seen socializing with me.

That's not the only possibility. Maybe they do find you interesting and are not embarrassed, but sometimes you tend to ramble on a topic they don't find interesting (very AS tendency) and they see it coming they subconsciously give out the body language which is probably going to be missed. Another communication style breakdown in this case.

Another possible case is that they simply don't feel like talking at the moment, maybe something got their emotions riled up. The body language is missed, and when asked about it, my theory in the last post might come in to play.

Or maybe it's not even an NT you are talking to. Another aspie might have a different reason for not wanting to talk.

There are probably other possibilities but it makes me tired to even think of social situations. I can think of possibilities like this after the fact but in real time socializing is very difficult and confusing.

I've had that happen where they've expressed interest in me, then blew me off. It really made me angry. it's like what did you want me for then? The time I spent catering to your fleeing little whim I could have been doing something that is truly worth while, instead of being anxious about their issues. Because when we Aspies are trying to socialize, it's stressful enough as it is, but to have to deal with the flakiness of NT's is just too much.