Prerequisite:
Familiarize yourself with the thesis of becoming a more complete person, found here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... c&p=333525
Why this is important:
Understanding who you really are is an important part of gaining friendships. Beginning to work through whatever issues you currently have (whether it is isolation, depression, lack of individual personal establishment, or something else) is necessary to begin working on this first.
That process very much is a prerequisite for close friendships, and much more so than the understanding of whatever arcane social constructs that people expect you to go through.
The thesis:
1. Participation in shared interests is the first level of friendships.
Active groups are everywhere, catering to various interests. The more widely popular your special interests are, the easier it is to find like-minded people. In big cities and college campuses, it shouldn't be too difficult to find people to talk to.
2. In order to gain friends, you must become more at ease with talking with other people, and about a variety of subjects.
Let's face it, most people probably won't have much interest in what our interests are, but we need to interact with them regardless. That is not to say that the interests should fall to the wayside (a lot of us probably have interesting theories built up... one of my current interests is the human condition, which I have been researching extensively over the past year, and this post is a direct expression of that interest), but they cannot dominate conversations.
Also, in the work environment, you'll need to deal with people who are not your friends on a regular basis. You must also learn how to deal with them.
Depending on how far regressed or undeveloped our social skills are, gaining this ease of talking with people can be a long and difficult process. In my own life, it took nearly a year of completely focused research to gain the level of understanding I have now.
How this is performed:
A. People watch
Go to a crowded place, and watch the interactions of the people there. The intent is not to build scripts of appropriate behavior, but rather puzzle-solving, recognizing the subtext of the situation.
B. Conversation coaching
Over the summer, I performed an extensive "socialization research project", and some of the field work involved going around and attempting to converse with random people, and even directly asking them questions I had about human interaction, conversation flow, topics to discuss (even with people I know, I often say things like "topic of conversation question mark" (yes, I actually say that)). Generally, I find that older people who I don't know are the best to talk about such things. Where to find such people? Inherently social yet laid-back environments, such as coffee shops are a great place to do this. The people there are generally open to discussion, and since you don't know them, the context of conversations is more open (and if you get them mad you won't need to deal with them in the future). In such a setting, you can directly ask about specific aspects of conversation that you've had problems with. From personal experience, I know that NTs are often amazed at how deep their knowledge of social settings really is once you directly ask them about it.
C. Interacting with people you know
They may or may not be friends, but generally, in inherently social environments, but preferably ones where the same group of people show up repeatedly (such as meetings exploring common interests), use the experience you gained from the conversation coaching.
Do conversations follow an extremely rapid-fire format, and you struggle to keep up?
If so, then it probably isn’t work trying to keep up. Remember: This process is being undertaken for your benefit, not creating an image or fulfilling others expectations.
Instead, I would recommend trying to find opportunities in which you can communicate with people one or two at a time, so that you are not overwhelmed by the environment. Crowds are a natural enemy of the aspie, as we have trouble with sensory issues as vast amounts of information is dumped upon us.
I have directly asked NTs about how they handle such situations, and it leads back to the "information filter" issue, which apparently they have mastery of. In the NT mind, they can selectively filter information, forcing out most of what they encounter (visually, and aurally). From my experience, aspies don't have that filter, and as a result, need to deal with all information as it comes in, and from that, search it for relevant information, leading to confusion as it gets more buried under other information.
3. You must be interesting
Another big one, but it is a natural progression from item #2. As you learn more about the conversation process, you will be granted a larger knowledge base of information regarding human interaction. Allow your deficiencies in the process translate into eccentricities.
4. You must be yourself
Never, never, never betray who you are for the sake of appearing accepted. Any dishonesty on your part (especially trying to learn "appropriate body language") is detectable by NTs. Do not act unless your responses are genuine, because people are much more likely to accept an eccentric than a fraud. Canned responses are very detrimental to the process.
Also, in order to do this you must gain an understanding of who you really are, which is a slow and often painful process, but it is possible, and ultimately immensely beneficial. For more on this subject, refer to "the thesis of becoming a more complete person" (linked at the top of this post)
5. You must respect both yourself and the people you interact with
Communication is two ways. If you don't respect yourself, people probably won't respect you either, and as a result not listen to what you say. Likewise, if you don't respect the people you interact with, you won't care much about what they say and do.
6. You must determine why you want to interact with other people
The reason may be multi-fold: to break your isolation, to gain friends, to become more healthy both physically and emotionally, to keep and advance in your job, to engage in academic exploration of new thoughts and ideas, or one of a multitude of other things.
7. Friendships to not simply happen. Both parties must work for them to occur
You must have something to offer the other person (whether it is insight, humor, knowledge about subjects in their interests, desire to participate in the same activities), and likewise, they must have something to offer you.
8. A lot of friendship is simply outside of your control
You can't simply decide who your friends are. You'll need to talk to many people, multiple times, and after the interactions prove to be mutually beneficial (for reasons such as the ones already mentioned in this post), they may begin to act more friendly around you. This can be anywhere from saying "hi" to you at random times (yes, fellow aspies, this means that they are interested in establishing a connection with you)
9. As friendships become deeper, trust is obtained and more and deeper types of communication are possible
As you interact with people more, you will tend gain more familiarity with them, and they will gain familiarity with you. This is known as the deepening of a friendship, and is very essential.
10. Just as you must be honest, your friends must also be honest
If they lie to you on a regular basis, chances are that they are not really your friends. Some lying is to be expected on their part (it's really funny when I hear NTs talk about the process of realizing how much they lie, though sad at the same time since they often expect you to see through their "social lies"), but if you are hurt by it, you must address it and tell them to stop.
Any questions or comments?
Other thesis posts:
Gsilver's Thesis of Becoming a More Complete Person
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... c&p=333525
Gsilver's Thesis of Friendships
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... c&p=333526
Gsilver's Thesis of Relationships
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... c&p=333527
01 Nov 2006, 1:22 pm
I wonder how many times I'll be referring back to this, lol.
