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asperges
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24 Apr 2012, 3:58 pm

I am a university student. I recently had the opportunity to visit friends from another college not too far away. I’ve visited there before, but this was the first time I spent multiple days there at one time (I was there for the weekend).

This experience was perhaps one of the best in my college career. I met new people and got to know old friends in new ways. While this experience provided a sense of euphoria, there was one big problem.

All of the people I connected with socially were males (as am I). I encountered a few women that I knew and they said “hi” and may have talked momentarily, but that was about it. One girl I know was taking pictures and I said that we should take a picture because we don’t have one together (meaning the two of us) and she was open to a picture but wanted a mutual male friend to be in the picture. He was busy so we never took the picture. With women I just met, we would shake hands, but that was about it. How can I be cured of this curse of not being able to socialize wit the opposite gender?



faerie_queene87
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24 Apr 2012, 5:25 pm

asperges wrote:

All of the people I connected with socially were males (as am I). I encountered a few women that I knew and they said “hi” and may have talked momentarily, but that was about it. One girl I know was taking pictures and I said that we should take a picture because we don’t have one together (meaning the two of us) and she was open to a picture but wanted a mutual male friend to be in the picture. He was busy so we never took the picture. With women I just met, we would shake hands, but that was about it. How can I be cured of this curse of not being able to socialize wit the opposite gender?


IMO, I would include other people in the picture to create "distance" from the guy - like telling him "I don't want to be alone with you". It is also a matter of safety, as one never knows where pictures could end up.


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asperges
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24 Apr 2012, 6:34 pm

Well that's part of the issue. I'm trying to figure out ways for her (and other girls) to feel comfortable with me. In the case of the picture girl, I've known her for about a year. We're acquaintances but since we go to different schools, this is only the fourth time we've met. We know a lot about each other through friends mentioning us in passing (and looking at each other's facebook). But I was hoping we could move from acquaintance to friend this weekend.



BMctav
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25 Apr 2012, 5:21 am

asperges wrote:
With women I just met, we would shake hands, but that was about it. How can I be cured of this curse of not being able to socialize wit the opposite gender?


There's not really that much different with socialising with men and women. I think you just need to find and speak to more women appreciate this. How to meet more ladies? I'm an NT male and do knitting because I find it relaxing. I joined a local knitting club and I'm the only male! I'm not saying you should give knitting a go, but if you can find an interest that attracts more women than men and join a club, you'll be in a great position for some social exposure with the opposite gender. Arts and crafts usually attract women and also running clubs (at the running club I'm a member of it's about 3/10 men to women ratio).



sage_gerard
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25 Apr 2012, 3:00 pm

asperges wrote:
How can I be cured of this curse of not being able to socialize wit the opposite gender?


You mean sex. If you had trouble with the opposite gender, you would have trouble socializing with anyone with a feminine (or non-masculine) identity. Sex refers to biological traits. Gender refers to the perceptions we associate with sex. A "woman trapped in a man's body" is of the male sex and the female gender.

Also, do not reflect too much on the term "opposite sex". It may comfort you more to think of them as the complementary sex. Women are human, and you will doom yourself to a series of awkward events by seeing them as inherently alien to you. They may be different, but you can still "click" with some of them. You may even meet a girl who is just like you, only with a vagina. :wink:

If I could offer my two-cents: Please do not buy into the whole process of "how to approach a woman" or "how to impress a woman" and so on. If I were a woman, I would hate to be treated like a puzzle to be solved. Just talk and see where the relationship goes. Getting too enticed by a woman's beauty or personality may lead to one of you being put on a pedestal and things getting sour for some reason.

In summary: Stay on equal moral ground by being comfortable with whoever you are speaking to. This takes conscious effort and practice. Take a deep breath, and all that. Also accept that you may very well get a bunch of girls to hate you before you get them to really like you.


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book_noodles
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25 Apr 2012, 3:52 pm

Just try your best to act the way you would around your male friends. I have heard men complain about being "friend-zoned" by women. I assume this is a weirdly negative way of saying they are friends with someone. This is silly, because being a nice guy doesn't entitle you to sex, and if a woman you are friends with asks you for relationship advice, it is more rational to assume that they trust you and value your opinions. (So I think it's a bit rude when people assume it's an attempt to incite jealousy..) Anyway, my point on that is, if you are trying to initiate a romantic relationship with someone, it's not fair to befriend them and then huff and puff and be all passive aggressive when they date other people.

If this is a friend thing..well maybe be aware of how your physical presence feels to them. I know it's difficult. There's a guy who lives in the house next to me, and I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum. He's a great guy; he's very intelligent, witty, and has an interesting world view. People find him creepy because he has a messy beard and he has an intimidating physical presence. He also went through the whole house looking at door tags to visit my hallmate's room late at night. She felt scared, but I doubt he knew that. It seems unfair to be creeped out by what seems like a friendly venture, but remember that 1/5 women are victims of sex violence in their lifetime. She justifiably didn't want to be followed into an all girls house, tracked down and visited unexpectedly at 10 PM.

I can't say for sure, but I think that a man might find that behavior odd as well. I certainly learned from his error. She won't talk to him now. (I still do, but not alone with him in my room.)

Lessons learned: call ahead of visits and let people offer personal information in the chronology that they are comfortable with

With mutual respect, there's no reason that a man and a woman can't be friends.

If people are mean to you and undeservedly tell you that you are creepy, prove them wrong by backing off and finding better friends.

[Edited for grammar]


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asperges
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26 Apr 2012, 4:26 pm

BMctav wrote:
There's not really that much different with socialising with men and women. I think you just need to find and speak to more women appreciate this.



I'm around women in social settings plenty. The problem is my social skills are bad in the first place. But it seems like women pick up on this more and don't want to socialize.



hyperlexian
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26 Apr 2012, 10:45 pm

sage_gerard wrote:
asperges wrote:
How can I be cured of this curse of not being able to socialize wit the opposite gender?


You mean sex. If you had trouble with the opposite gender, you would have trouble socializing with anyone with a feminine (or non-masculine) identity. Sex refers to biological traits. Gender refers to the perceptions we associate with sex. A "woman trapped in a man's body" is of the male sex and the female gender.

Also, do not reflect too much on the term "opposite sex". It may comfort you more to think of them as the complementary sex. Women are human, and you will doom yourself to a series of awkward events by seeing them as inherently alien to you. They may be different, but you can still "click" with some of them. You may even meet a girl who is just like you, only with a vagina. :wink:

If I could offer my two-cents: Please do not buy into the whole process of "how to approach a woman" or "how to impress a woman" and so on. If I were a woman, I would hate to be treated like a puzzle to be solved. Just talk and see where the relationship goes. Getting too enticed by a woman's beauty or personality may lead to one of you being put on a pedestal and things getting sour for some reason.

In summary: Stay on equal moral ground by being comfortable with whoever you are speaking to. This takes conscious effort and practice. Take a deep breath, and all that. Also accept that you may very well get a bunch of girls to hate you before you get them to really like you.

holy crap, awesome advice here. you have communicated a difficult concept very effectively


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Demiurge
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27 Apr 2012, 10:03 pm

Quote:
Also accept that you may very well get a bunch of girls to hate you before you get them to really like you.


This cannot be stressed hard enough. In fact, most of my sexual partners/female friends hated me at the beginning.

The girl I today call my best friend? We met initially with me prank calling her in the middle of the night.
The girl that today calls me her best friend? I was actually pretty mean to her ( Non-intentionally. ) for a few years, and she hated me as much as you can hate anyone. Then we were suddenly friends. Go figure.

My only one night stand ever began with the girl physically assaulting me for accidentally insulting her friend. Boy was she mad.



asperges
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28 Apr 2012, 2:29 pm

I'm not just talking about being able to pick up girls for an intimate experience. I'm talking primarily about platonic relationships.



asperges
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03 May 2012, 3:18 pm

So in light of my last comments, what do you think?



asperges
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05 May 2012, 9:39 am

?????????



autismthinker21
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05 May 2012, 8:29 pm

sometimes the best thing to do is just act like you don't care, by just being like yeah sure you don't want to talk to me. giving it train of thought makes the world seem like a yo-yo. but then again women get disconnected no matter what happens. sometimes but not all the time. it's more easier to be friends with men due to that we all like to get along half the time. but what do i know. ok prove me wrong. but i am telling my own experience i had.


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boston123
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25 May 2012, 12:04 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
sage_gerard wrote:
asperges wrote:
How can I be cured of this curse of not being able to socialize wit the opposite gender?


You mean sex. If you had trouble with the opposite gender, you would have trouble socializing with anyone with a feminine (or non-masculine) identity. Sex refers to biological traits. Gender refers to the perceptions we associate with sex. A "woman trapped in a man's body" is of the male sex and the female gender.

Also, do not reflect too much on the term "opposite sex". It may comfort you more to think of them as the complementary sex. Women are human, and you will doom yourself to a series of awkward events by seeing them as inherently alien to you. They may be different, but you can still "click" with some of them. You may even meet a girl who is just like you, only with a vagina. :wink:

If I could offer my two-cents: Please do not buy into the whole process of "how to approach a woman" or "how to impress a woman" and so on. If I were a woman, I would hate to be treated like a puzzle to be solved. Just talk and see where the relationship goes. Getting too enticed by a woman's beauty or personality may lead to one of you being put on a pedestal and things getting sour for some reason.

In summary: Stay on equal moral ground by being comfortable with whoever you are speaking to. This takes conscious effort and practice. Take a deep breath, and all that. Also accept that you may very well get a bunch of girls to hate you before you get them to really like you.

holy crap, awesome advice here. you have communicated a difficult concept very effectively


Yes! Its very true, we are people too ;)
I might go out on a limb here, but there always seems to be this sense of "getting a woman to like you" and "getting a woman to sleep with you" in both NT & ASD male worlds. Speaking for myself, I usually decide immediately on meeting someone if I might sleep with them or not. (Within the appropriate context of course!!) There is no "getting". Ditto friendships.
You cant make someone like you, just as you can't make yourself like someone else! It happens out of your control. The trick is to see it all as practice-friends, potential lovers etc. Just be yourself and trust that life will bring the right people to you. The people that like you; find you interesting; sexy.

After a really bad breakup when my self esteem was in the toilet I asked a really close old friend, (who is in a really successful happy 15 year relationship with another of my oldest friends) "What is wrong with me?"
He said "there's nothing WRONG with you, you just haven't found anyone who'll put up with you yet!"
The three of us laughed but I took those words away with me and really thought about them a lot.
We are all different - not broken.
There are friends and lovers out there for all if us, we may just have to learn to be patient, be true to ourselves, and not despair when things don't go the way we'd like.
Be your unique self and those that like and get you will find you. And, don't be scared to let the ingenuine move past you. You don't need them anyway.
:)