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Fiddler
Deinonychus
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28 Feb 2005, 5:28 am

An exemple of my awkward social behaviour.

On Thursday morning, I went to the cafeteria alone, intending to read my notes and to drink a hot chocolate. Then a girl I know (meaning I had already spoken to her a few times) arrived, saw me and decided to sit with me. We started to speak about the course we had just had. She bought a chocolate too. We didn't speak much afterward because I was reading my notes.

A group of students came in. I had never spoken with them even though they are in my class. But the girl knew them. She got up, said hi, and she came back to our table. She drank her chocolate and put her cup on the tray. Then she told me: "I'm going to sit with them".

I started being nervous because I didn't know wether I should follow her or stay where I was, as I hadn't been told to follow her. I decided it was better to stay.

I heard them babbling away undistinctly for a few minutes. Then I heard the girl say loudly : "Oh but she will come, won't you, Aurélie?" (that's my first name.) I looked at them and I saw they were all looking at me.

It seems that I've lacked spontaneity. Apparently I should have followed the girl right away and sit with them all. But I didn't know what was right.



Civet
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28 Feb 2005, 7:05 am

You should be glad that you were invited to sit with them!

I have not been in this exact situation before, but it seems like that girl you were with should have asked you to come along. If you are not accustomed to sitting with those people, her having said something like "let's go sit with them" or "I'm going to sit with them, why don't you come along?" would probably have been more appropriate, I think.



Fiddler
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28 Feb 2005, 8:07 am

I was glad to get to know them.

I wonder why she didn't invite me to come along. Maybe she doesn't know how to handle social situation either. :) First I thought she had fled me because I had been boring. This is partly why I had decided to stay alone.



Rekkr
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28 Feb 2005, 9:05 am

I do the same types of things.



merien_took
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28 Feb 2005, 10:41 am

Yes, this happens to me all the time. I'm never quite sure what to do and just sit there looking around with what I'm sure is a confused or panicked look on my face as the other person leaves. I still don't know how to handle it.



axelkat
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28 Feb 2005, 1:39 pm

sometimes that is more then i can ask for, i kick myself for doing similar things but guys and girls relate differently to each other. Guys arent as open with each other and things that are universal are often discussion topics such as sports for example. all together, aspies tend not to talk much and iam thankful when others open up to me.
A


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Tere
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28 Feb 2005, 2:53 pm

Fiddler I can understand your confusion, unless someone asks me outright, I stay where I am!



BigSnoopy126
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28 Feb 2005, 4:06 pm

I think the thing you've left out of the equation in your thinking is that it's a public place where people don't really choose one table for certain and sit like in a restaurant.

Usually, the NT thing to do would be to ask "Mind if I join you, I'd enjoy talking with you some more" or something. THat's one of those things I'd sometimes know to do because of my copying kids like Charlie Brown, but I must admit I'd stay seated like you did more often than not. I would do like you did in the cafeteria at school and just sort of cat with people. Then, I think partly because of my low vision as well, I would just not remember who they were. Which leads to embarrassing situations at times, but most people will be very understanding and chalk it up to short term memory problems :-)

My best friend in college, though, the first day of first year orientation I turned around and said he'd asked a *really* dumb question, and while he thought it rude at first, we struck up a conversation later and found a lot in common. So, don't lose hope, the good friends will understand anything.



TAFKASH
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28 Feb 2005, 7:28 pm

Nobody ever asks me to sit with them, so I wouldn't know what its like..... :cry: (1, 2, 3, awwwwwww.....)


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hale_bopp
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28 Feb 2005, 9:24 pm

That would confuse me. When people say that to me it means they are dropping me in favour of someone else.

She should have said "I'm going to sit with them, would you like to come?"
or
"Lets go and sit with them."

The exact same thing has happened to me several times, half the time i'm sure they would have been happy for me to join them, they other half the time they were bored and wanted to get away.

It's very hard to determine which one they mean.



axelkat
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28 Feb 2005, 9:30 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
That would confuse me. When people say that to me it means they are dropping me in favour of someone else.

She should have said "I'm going to sit with them, would you like to come?"
or
"Lets go and sit with them."


Perhaps she assumed that fiddler would follow but did not realise she did not understand the situation.
A


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BigSnoopy126
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01 Mar 2005, 10:31 am

Yes, that's what I was thinking after I posted my comment; the polite thing to do is to invite you to come along. But, not everyone in the world knows how to be polite or practices it 100% of the time, either. It's hard to know how to react when they're not, and while it's probably not much solace, I would think it would be tough for NTers to even know how to act at times. After all, Miss Manners, Dear Abby, etc. have lots of questions about situations, many more complex of course but still, they do get lots of queries.



CatGuy
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01 Mar 2005, 10:09 pm

I know exactly what you're talking about. I rarely do anything social without being approached first.



Eva
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03 Mar 2005, 5:24 pm

Boy are we asking the wrong people for social advice!! : )

If someone wants you to join them and they're moving, they should specifically ask you something like, "There are some friends of mine. I'd like to go sit with them, would you like to come with me?" or "Come with me, I'd like you to meet some friends."

I think it's actually rude that people are so sloppy and informal. I used to get really upset when I was at my "friend's" houses when I was little and when play time was over, I would just wander around the house toward the door, unsure of what to do. No one ever showed people to the door. What classless clods! You don't just sit on the sectional and say, "See ya - I'm going to do something else and you're no longer welcome here." What jerks! I read Miss Manners books... this is considered rude, by NT standards, even. I'm not just crazy.

I never say hello until someone else has said hello. Half of this is because of my natural belief that initiating social contact is met with ridicule. I'm terrified of saying hello first. I know this might be construed as impolite, but I just can't bring myself to do it. When I do force myself, I feel such pain. I remember my grandmother telling me, "speak when spoken to." I never drew the line with when that rule should be applied.

I hate people sometimes.

-Eva



hale_bopp
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04 Mar 2005, 3:12 am

Me, too. Often I wait for someone to say hello or something before I say anything. Then I will reply in a friendly way.. I don't like to say things sometimes because people might not be friendly back.



BigSnoopy126
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08 Mar 2005, 7:08 pm

I know what you mean, Eva, people are rude sometimes. I was lucky to be in a very outgoing family, and have pretty much copied the peple in my church. I just go around and shake hands and say "hi" to everyone, and try to plan a little joke ahead of time. Like a few weeks ago,instead of saying what's new to the kidsw in the middle school department where I help, I said "what's old." Then we all laughed and made a big deal out of the fact that they *still* would all reply with "nothing." :-)