Bad idea or good idea?

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I plan on tracking down my old learning support assistant from my old school (I last spoke to her in early 2007). I managed to find her address and she only lives 5 miles away from me.

Things are getting really tough for me as a 23 year so I might take her advice on things. Back in school she really understood me well and mentored me for 5 years.


Can you tell in what ways how this might be a bad idea to talk to her after nearly 7 years?

If you had a good relationship with her I don't think it would be such a bad idea. But showing up at her door unannounced doesn't seem wise. If you don't have her phone number or email, you could always mail a letter.

Why would it not be wise?

I just feel it would be highly unexpected and she would probably like to prepare for such a meeting. I could be wrong, though. As you knew her, you are the better judge of how to approach her.

What about the approach of hanging around the town where she lives and hoping I will bump into her by chance?

The residential population of the town is 38,000 people.


By those numbers do you think it will be hard finding her by chance?

I agree with sppp that the best approach would be to write to her or phone her and ask if she would meet with you. This is why:

• Lots of people want to be asked first before someone (even their friends and family) comes to their house for any reason at all. So writing or calling first would be polite.
  
• If she agrees to meet with you again to give you advice, she might see it as a professional meeting rather than a personal one -- If she sees it as a professional meeting, she might feel it would be inappropriate to meet you at her house.
  
• If you plan a meeting with her ahead of time, then you know for sure that she'll have time to talk to you when you see her -- you'll know for sure that she won't be busy doing something else that prevents her from talking to you.
  
• I think it would unlikely for you to run into her by chance just by hanging around the town where she lives. Even if you did, she might be busy -- meaning she would be distracted and might not able to talk to you then and there, might not even be able to really think about when/if she could meet you another time.

Why would it be unlikely? Its not that big of a town. I have been to LONDON and saw 2 celebs by chance.

I think that it would be unlikely because if I imagine one in 38,000 it's like a needle in a haystack sort of thing. But I don't know the town and I'm not good with statistics, so it's just a guess. (And even if it is unlikely, it's true that unlikely things do happen sometimes anyways.)

I still think that trying to call or write to set up a meeting with her would be better, but of course it's totally up to you -- and I hope it works out no matter how you choose to try to contact her!

Still I saw 2 needles out of 7,375 people in the city of London. by the 2 needles I am referring to celebrities.

Yes, there is always the possibility that you will see the needles in a haystack like you did when you saw those 2 celebrities in London -- it's just not guaranteed.

Showing up at her door will seem stalkerish. Why? I don't know, it just will. It's one of those unwritten rules. They don't have to make sense, we just have to live by them or suffer the consequences.

Do this. Find out her contact info and email her, friend her on FB and message her, or send her a snail mail letter. Keep it short. Something like "I wanted to thank you for all your help in the past, and would be interested in talking with you again. I would love your input on a few things, and of course I can compensate you for your time. Thanks!"

If this is what she does for a living, she will expect to be paid for it I would think. She may tell you that she won't charge you, but it's polite to offer to do so up front anyway. Depending on how much time she needs to take with you, you may need to pay her something, remember that is time she's taking away from friends and family.

All good advice (except I'd just send a message on FB without the friend request).

As for why showing up at someone's door is stalkerish, I think it is because the person doesn't have a choice as to whether they deal with you at that time or not. If you write a letter, they will read the letter when they feel like it, same with an email or FB message, etc. If you bump into them in the street, that can't be helped so it isn't seen as confronting behaviour. But showing up at their door unexpectedly - when they could be in their pyjamas, spending time with their partner, any number of things they'd prefer not to be interrupted from - is inconsiderate. A phonecall also interrupts, but is less invasive than an unexpected face-to-face meeting. Showing up at someone's private residence without invitation is getting into their personal space, which many people are uncomfortable with.

I'm not sure if this has been said ..

She was your in-school support worker. She was paid to help you (and others). You have since graduated which means she is no longer obliged to help you further. If you contact her, you may risk putting her in an uncomfortable situation. I'm sorry if she was the one that "understood you well" but it doesn't mean she owes you anything more. So, showing up at her house, emailing, or "bumping into her" is not a good idea.

Does she still work at your old school? If I were you, I'd try and contact her through the school board. First, contact your old school and ask the receptionist if she still works there. If she doesn't know, ask if they have any information of her whereabouts. Explain who you are and what your previous relationship with her was like - "She was my support worker in 2007." For confidentiality purposes, the receptionist may not want to give you that information. It's best that you give her YOUR contact information and if this support worker calls you, great. If not, then she's not an option for you to seek.

Keep it professional. Allow her to choose if she wants to develop a personal relationship with you - and by that, I mean develop a "mentor" type relationship. I would not mail her a letter to her house. That's creepy. I would not "bump into her" - she may notice your intentions. I would not email her because her email is her personal contact.