Are you worried of being hurt when making friends?

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Perhaps you've had times of people stabbing you in the back or losing a friendship. I'm going on 30 and good friends from school moved away. Making a professor a friend she thought I had psychological issues (this is before I knew of my AS). A college friend went behind my back! A coworker (at a job for 3 months Mcdonald's) had issues with my behavior etc. I don't want to upset people anymore and then be hurt by being fired or kicked out of college again so I keep to myself (outside of family). I'm scared of what COULD happen firing,or loss of college (almost done with that so socially hold out 6 more months up to December.) My one therapist joked "Oh an Aspie boss" UH! REALISTACLLY YOUR BOSS ISN'T GOING TO BE ASPIE OR UNDERSTAND THE SPECTRUM OR YOUR ISSUES! Get real THIS IS AN NT WORLD! Obsessive towards a person (Gay/stalker/psycho) which I'm none of those things! Friends talk behind my back. Only GOOD friends I have now is 2 WP friends 1 through email another FaceTime/imessage otherwise I don't have any and am scared to make any or put myself out there to people.

My 1 yr. on college campus when returning (HAD to do on campus to finish Spanish) People are IDIOTS don't take college seriously. To most OMG! ICK serial killer video (for class) me OH COOL!

So what's your take on making friends? That 1 yr. I played 3DS and kept to myself outside of teacher help for Spanish and occasionally talking to my sociology professor (nothing to the extent of the psychology one I ended up upsetting.)

Thanks WP.

I've seldom had any real friends. Even when people are "nice enough" to me, they always like their "closer" friends better.

I've had quite a few, what I would consider good, close, long-term friends. They are VERY hard to find. I have had passing acquaintances with dozens upon dozens of people; FIVE of those people I would consider true friends.

Frankly I am trying to get rid of them right now, as gradually and gently as possible. I don't want to deal with it any more. Too much stress in worrying about offending them, worrying about balancing the time and attention they all get, worrying about balancing that with husband and kids. Too much stress, too many opportunities for failure.

Put your fear of getting your feelings hurt aside. Getting your feelings hurt is survivable.

Fears of losing college and losing jobs are more relevant. I was pretty careful to keep friendships out of my classes (tried not to make personal friendships with professors, but to have only a strictly professional relationship; also made an effort to keep it to acquaintanceship with classmates-- if it seemed like we could be closer friends, I waited until near the end of the semester to bring that up).

I'd say that is still the best strategy. Make friends, if you must, among people who are not in your major, or not in your branch of your major, or at the very least not at the same point in their degree (so you will not share classes). Once you start work, DO NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH CO-WORKERS. Be cordial, be a pleasant acquaintance, but do not let them close. Make polite small talk, nothing more.

If you need to seek friends, do it outside of work. Find organizations that serve your personal interests (whatever those may be-- you can list them and we'll provide suggestions) and look for friends there. But KEEP PERSONAL AND WORK-RELATED RELATIONSHIPS STRICTLY SEPARATE.

Oh God yes. I'm always apprehensive when I'm making acquaintance with pretty much anyone, due to some bad experiences I've had in the past involving trust.

I've actually met someone last month whom I 'd like to get to know a bit better. She's smart, she's funny, she's interested in art and literature. But I'm so afraid that, if next time I see her I were to ask her if she'd like to go for lunch with me some time, she won't be interested. There's this interplay between my trust issues and my self confidence issues that makes this type of thing very difficult.

When I was younger I didn't really have trust issues. I was careful but I allowed strangers to come into my apartment if I was interested in them. I'm much more guarded now. It's to the point that I don't allow anyone to come into my apartment. I'm a loner anyway, still, I think it'd be nice to have a good friend. I don't know. I don't like that I get possessive, though. I've harmed relationships that way. I am worried about being hurt if I make friends. My insecurities get in the way. Anyway, I can't tell a friend from an enemy so I avoid people. I guess that's why I'm alone.

I have had the same experience. I have a unusual fear of males from that experience, I now rely on female interaction to help me. But even females hurt me.

We should never hurt friends knowing or unknowingly that will effect our friendship that may last to any thing.


meet new friends with common interests
finding friends with common interests

stay away from extroverts they are dangerous type
introverts and quite people wont hurt you
but extroverts will hurt like anything

Most of the friends i've made haven't actually hurt me in any way. I'm referring to people I've interacted with who aren't related to me in some way. Relatives and people in my community are a completely different story.

But friends i made in school were all good people. What i really fear is making a friend or two and being hurt by the fact that they move on and i can't move on with them. In other words they leave me behind because unlike me, they've evolved emotionally and socially.

that happened with my best friend in high school. when i saw him again in university i could see that he wasn't the same person i knew a year or so ago. and i knew then that although we were compatible as friends in high school, it's not the same anymore and he'll eventually find a new group of compatible friends. of course i don't blame him in anyway for this, since it's not his fault i am the way i am. but the hurt that comes from always being left behind is what i'm most afraid of. i guess it hurts more since i wish i could keep up with them, but i'm stuck in a different place all together.

i suppose if i sort out all my issues i'll have a better chance of making lasting friendships.

I think I worry too much about being rejected. Although I wasn't severely bullied at school (just tormented sometimes), I was rejected a lot. All the girls in my class hung together at secondary school, and so I thought I might as well be part of the group, but often I sensed they didn't want me there. Mostly I was ignored, but occasionally I would be told to go away. I knew they didn't even seem to consider my feelings, they just told me to go away like it was just something they would say to everyone, and they didn't seem to realise how much it upset me (and NTs are supposed to have empathy???)

I think I was rejected so much at school that it has affected the way I make friends to this day. I sort of take things slowly with people, and seem to get stuck on the acquaintance stage and not get much further. Then they turn into fair-weather friends and then drift away, or just stick around on Facebook and talk to me every now and then but not want to form any close friendships with me.

I have had a few rejections as an adult by other adults, which did set me back even further. So no wonder I do friendships more gingerly now. Plus I have low self-esteem and low confidence, which also goes against my chances of trusting people - and myself.

Yes, but if you allow anyone to get close to you, you WILL be hurt from time to time. It's part of the deal of being close to other people. Hopefully, their hurting you will be very rare and accidental and not out of malice.