I don't understand how friendship works. Please help!

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Hi,

I never had any true friends. They always backstabbed me or used me for my skills. The people I know around me lie a lot and I don't feel like I can trust them. I have been alone almost all my life and sometimes don't get how people make friends and keep friends.

I just don't get the concept of friends. A friend to me is someone who helps you out when in need of help and who you can share your problems with but most friends I have seen are just there for the fun stuff and leave when things get depressing or less fun. When I meet someone I like I go through fire rather quickly for them. I want to protect them and make them happy but this almost always means that I won't get it in return. Am I too caring?

When I meet someone on the internet I always change everything for them. If they watch a TV show I will watch it to, if they play a game, I will buy it and play it too. They never do that for me though. I feel like I am always the one putting energy into a friendship but never getting it back. Is this normal?

I feel like friends make me do stuff I really don't want to do. If a friend wants to play a video game multiple times even when I don't want to I just do it because I want to make him have fun. I almost never do what I want to do when I am with a friend. Because of this I just never made any real friends. I never even celebrated my birthday because we would always do stuff that other kids want to do and not what I liked to do. I liked playig my favorite video game (Sonic The Hedgehog) and other kids wanted to go bowling, to the zoo, go swimming and all that kind of stuff. I was always different. I liked doing that other stuff but most of the time something bad would happen or my friends would start fighting.

My stepfather was an alcoholic so I hate alcohol with a passion. Drugs is also something I don't like. When I got older I did not fit in with anyone because all the kids were getting drunk and using drugs. I was the responsible kid who stayed home and watched movies all the time.

I don't like to go out and do stuff. I just like to stay inside and enjoy myself behind my computer, watching movies, TV shows, playing video games and things like that. What also is a problem is that I don't like playing online games. I just find it boring. I like story based games. I often play Point and Click Adventures and RPG's. I also have a problem with 3D games, they just make me sick. I can not play any game with a 3D camera for long without getting nauseous . Most people I know play 3D shooters or 3D action adventures and call me a baby because of my problem with 3D games. I play older games like 2D platformers, shmups, metroidvania style games, adventures and RPG's. Playing games like that is not very popular around gamers is my experience.

When I go outside I talk to people quite easily. I tend to talk more to disabled people or people that just look different because I feel more comfortable around them. In my area there are almost no men or women of my age group. I live close to a city (20km) where the main population is students so everyone who is my age is going there. I can't afford to live in the city and I love my new house. I just moved so everyone I knew before is gone.

Sorry for the big message. I am just very confused what friends should mean. I am a very nice guy and accept anyone for who they are. Nothing is a problem for me. I like people that are different more because they are just interesting. I just seem to meet only jerks and people who just take energy and don't give anything back. I have nobody at this moment in time. I feel a bit like a failure.

I would love some advice or help. Thanks in advance!

Last edited by Protector88 on 25 Jul 2014, 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

To leave a comment in my own post...

I do not mind going somewhere but only with the right kind of people. I never had good people around me who made going somewhere fun. It always turned into an argument between 2 of them and I had to stop it and eventualy it would be my fault. Not fun at all. To be honest, I think my family ruined my experiences with this. Always when I go somewhere I am afraid for some kind of conflict. I really got to find someone who is fun to be around when going somewhere.

It's good I thought about this because now I see it in a different light. It's not that I don't like doing stuff outside but I don't like the people I normally do it with.

it's okay to have some friends just for doing fun things who you don't share your deepest feelings with. it's nice to have at least one friend, though, who can open up to you and let you open up to them. all friendships should be give and take. you have been so busy with takers, you haven't had time to find true friends.

Most people would find this creepy.. and they dont do it back to you because its not the normal thing to do. Its also not necessary to try to please friends and let them have their way and try to make sure they have fun etc, because they dont use those things to decide if someones worth being their friend or not. And the nicer and easy goinger you are the shallower their friendships will be with you, and the more chance they'll vanish if you're having a bad time and need them. Thats been my experience and observation for four decades. Look at the friendships other people have, they spend half their time being bored,moaning and falling out with each other, and theyre fine with that. Thats their normal,and it seems to make them uncomfortable if a friendship is different than that. I think maybe thats where some of us who struggle with friendships fall down,especially if our templates are book/tv/movie friendships. In real life people like to have things to b***h and moan about in their friendships..

I seem like a person who just let's everyone walk all over me but that's not the case at all to be honest. I am a very stubborn man and don't take **** from anybody. If someone bullies me or something they need to run the other way. The thing is when I have a friend I want to keep them and try anything to make them like me more. I know I shouldn't do this. I am just a softie with people I care about. It should be give and take.

Thanks for the reply.

I now know that the people I called friends were not really my friends and that I should be myself and do what I like and not want to please everyone so much.

I still find it hard what the meaning of friends is. I have had talks with people online and helped people out but almost every time they just disappear or ignore me. They use me to talk to when having problems but when the problem is solved I mean nothing anymore.

I'm really trying but I just don't know how to get an online friend. It's not like I stop talking, I can talk about almost anything but after a while people just don't respond or ignore me and I don't know why. I always ask how things are going and ask a lot of normal questions to keep the conversation going. I talk about stuff in the news, good stories I heard and read.

Can someone help me out with this? I find it very frustrating when these things happen.

Thanks.

To be a true friend is to "be there" whenever the friend has a problem.

You should also have common interests that are the basis for long conversations.

It doesn't mean you must help him move.

It doesn't mean you have to lend him money (unless you want to).

It doesn't mean you have to let him crash at your place.

You just enjoy hanging out with each other, with no obligation whatsoever.

I wish I knew a place where to meet same aged people close to me in person. But those will mostly be NT people and that often doesn't work.

I have tried so long to find an online friend but it just doesn't happen. I'm guessing it's not possible. I help them and they just vanish. I don't get how people can do that. I HELP them out and afterwards they ignore or block me. How bad can someone be? Do other people experience this as well? Is it just bad luck? It's the same thing in real life. I have had this happen so many times. Am I too nice? I know people that are total a*sholes and they have so many friends. They go to parties and drink a lot. I don't do that and don't want to.

Thanks for the reply man!

It's pretty easy, it doesn't.

What normal people call friendship is people you can "hang out" and pass your time.
They are like collages, but instead of being colleagues of work, are colleagues of fun.

A real friendship is something REALLY rare, like a perfect love or wining the lottery.

If you want a real friend, good luck, we all do.

If you want a friend to hang out, you have to learn the current social rules (they change by culture).

The problem aspies have of not knowing how intense or distant to be in a friendship is compounded by living at a time when the very concept of friendship is changing.

A mobile and transient society tends against the closeness needed to form deeper friendships. A consumer society tends towards more superficial "friendships" based on mutual consumer preferences.

Only a few generations ago friendships were often strongest among siblings and cousins. As the family has deteriorated, so has friendship in general.

Those contemporaries of yours who have followed the path of drugs and alcohol might in their own way be trying to cope with a world that seems to grow colder and friendless each day.

As the opportunities for friendship decrease, one has to "cast a wider net". It can also help to work at improving ones ability to identify those who might be friend "worthy".

Thanks for the reply!

I agree with what you said. I have almost given up on finding a real friend. I think my problem is that I don't need a friend to fill up my time. I have lots of things to do and enjoy and the only reason I would like a real friend is to talk once in a while, preferably about the struggle with autism, dealing with NT people and so on. It's not like I want to nag about everything, I just want to find someone who has the same kind of moral standards. For me that is very hard to find. I can find people to play video games with anywhere I want. Just ask on a forum and there is always someone up to play sometimes but I dont see that as a real friend.

Most people call me a police officer because of how good I am. They are so wrong about that. I don't even believe in the way the law works so that is totally not how I am. For people that know old school RPG's, I call myself chaotic good, even if it's against the law, if it's good, i'll do it. Most people call me crazy for that. Like, a woman is married to a man who is very abusive and she was forced into the marriage in some kind of way (it happens more then you think). The husband belittles her and humiliates her all the time and even forces her to do aweful things. He hits her and rapes her daily. When that woman snaps and is boiling water and pours it over her husband, to me, she should not be punished. I think over half of prisoners are people who have been pushed to far like this person. That is what I meen with chaotic good. It's hard to find people with the same mindset. Sometimes you just have to do bad things to achieve goodness.

What I find most troubling is that fact that the world is so amazingly big. There are so many people on this planet who are lonely, who have no one that helps them out, who want to have friends or be in a relationship, why is it so hard to find someone? The only conclusion I can come up with is that people just aren't made for friendship or love.

I am very glad that I found this forum. Maybe I can call this forum my friend

The discussion thread 'I'd Like to Make Friends But....' may help.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp6179683 ... t=#6179683

Best wishes.

Unfortunately, many people are shallow and only want friends to "have fun with". That, or they already have one or two close friends, and feel they do not need any more than that.

If you want friends, you shouldn't have to change your interests. Looking for shared interests is the key. It's ok, if someone recommends a game or something to you and you try it. You might like it or you might not. Just be honest about it. And be sure to share some of your interests too. If you can find something you both genuinely enjoy, that's a good start.

From what you said about your friends fighting with each other, it sounds to me that you are often hanging out in a group. It's hard to make a good friend in a group, since you won't have much one-on-one interaction going on. Of there is someone in a group whose company you particularly enjoy, try asking them to do something just the two of you sometime. Something like "hey, did you hear about that new movie? It looks really good, would you be interested in seeing it?".

Also, try joining a club with things you are interested in. Even if you prefer staying home most of the time, it's a great way to meet people, and you will always have at least one interest in common (just make sure to pick a club centered around something you like). If you only talk to people online, your chances of making a real life connection are much slimmer. If you are bored though and just want someone to talk to, try chatting on Kongregate. Most of their games are 2D, and you will probably be able to find someone else there with your interests.

I agree with you completely on this. And I feel that most people do not have a strong enough sense of justice to understand this. They understand laws, but not the underlying reasons for them.

Boosting discussions on social skills and making friends "breaks the ice so to speak!"