Social development came late, but still have many NT traits.

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So here is my story,

I have not been diagnosed with AS by a professional. I took a test when I was in 7th grade, that I did not take seriously, and I was rather crude and obnoxious. The results of the test suggested I had AS.

I had social problems as an adolescent, such as relating to others. I had a really escapist lifestyle and somewhat poor hygiene. Really long hair, unkempt appearance, excessive online gaming. I was raised by a single mom, where my father wasn't around most of my life, and was not present as a parent throughout my development. I also have a younger sibling who has full blown AS to where he needs to be on social security, and a younger sister who has depression.

When I was a kid I did things like smiling in inappropriate situations, and sometimes laughed at things I was thinking about. I don't do this anymore, this is something that has completely phased out of me, and I am 24 years old.

I may have NDDPNOS or just some ASD disorder. I was very hyperactive as a child, and acted socially ret*d to get attention or make everyone laugh because for some reason I thought it was a good thing to do, but it was not. I had a reputation for being mentally ret*d in middle school.

In my adolescent years I began to hate myself for how I behaved, and I became more withdrawn. Grew my hair long, started listening to metal, and then had a "creepy" persona. I avoided most social contact, and spent most time on the internet and forming connections with others through online games.


Now that I am an adult, I struggle to cope with memories of all those years. I can't accept myself ever for having behaved that way, and making everyone think I was ret*d.

Because of the lack of social contact for years and years, I had to learn to get comfortable with it again in the beginning of college, and I was still pretty socially awkward for a few years but then I eventually began to balance out. I joined chorale because of my interest in music, I thought I could learn to sing through doing it. It was not what I expected, I forced out my notes way too hard to the point where I was making the group go down in smoke. I developed a reputation for being the worse person there, but then I met a friend through that who wanted to help me improve. That same friend who I later started doing drugs with, and got an apartment with. I eventually improved and finally blended in with the group, I finally "got it" and then all the veterans there were pleased to see me improve so much.

After that episode I started smoking weed a lot, and did hallucinogens like LSD and mushrooms because I was curious about them, this was when I really started opening up and being comfortable around others. I even enjoyed being around so many people, because it was so much fun to be young and experience life with so many people who were close together. I sort of developed a "hippie/stoner" persona after this, and one of my downfalls of this phase is that I used weed as a means of relating to people and making friends. Most friendships that happen like that are meaningless.

I went through some s**t when I moved out to an apartment. The same friend I had been around for all these years started going into hard drugs like opiates and heroine and became very crazy on them, like constantly threatening me, getting in my face, breaking into my room in the morning to grab my hand and physically coerce me into texting our friends to tell them I made them all think he was crazy. I was messy, not a very motivated worker, I got to a hellhole in the winter time where grew my hair long and didn't shave much. I was smoking a lot, and really depressed. I would just sleep all day and wake up close enough to noon to take the bus to my job as a dishwasher. I was very miserable and almost gave up on myself. I don't know if this was because of the situation I was dealing with, my possible AS, or the excessive pot smoking (which probably didn't help with any of the above).

I am doing better now, I keep my place really clean, I keep my room clean and organized. I don't smoke so much, Ive taken a lot more initiative at my job and started moving up to line and prep cook. I cut my hair frequently, and shave it down when it gets to grow out again. im trying to finally get my drivers license, fix my health problems, and maybe find a girlfriend. Traditional "dating" kind of stresses me out, because the women who go on dates are usually going on dates with other men, and seems to be based a lot on superficial things like money. I'm trying to just find someone who I can open up to a bit and develop an intimate connection.

Either way, my life has been a struggle. I have had some very horrible experiences, and long term depression as a result of a life of problems. I hope someday I can accept myself, and function like an NT, and maybe live in a nice place and be happy.

It sounds like you may have some AS traits too. I still stuggle connecting with people and making friends. I was abused as a child, and I think the trauma from it has made my life even worse. I think I may need to see a psychologist again.

My case is a mindf**k, honestly.

I have wondered if I have AS my entire life. A teacher in middle school intervened in my life, helped me grow up. When i was in 7th grade, I was wearing sweatpants, did not care about hygiene, was a class clown. There was a time I rolled sweatpants up to my knees during school. I guess he gave me the socialization I never got under my mom. After him, I dressed properly for the rest of my life. I talked a lot about aspergers with him, and he eventually told me that I didn't have it. My case might be a combination of low-functioning ADS traits that affected my social learning, lack of a father role model, and a passive/permissive single mother.

I ran into him again a couple months ago after not seeing each other for 10 years. It was a very touching reunion, we spoke for a bit and I told him how I couldn't believe who I got here, coming from where I was and he just said "Well, I think you just got dealt a hard hand".

I like the idea of "playing life in hard mode."

But just because it was hard doesn't mean you have come out with nothing to show for it. I have met other people who had ASD traits as a kid but who now function pretty normally ("NTly"). I think they are kinder because of it and I trust them a little more.

So basically I'm saying -- you may just be a better person because of this. My two cents.

I totally relate. Your background sounds an awful lot like mine. Undiagnosed showing signs of AS but also NT so its a tough call. Single mom, dad split never saw him again after 8, two siblings one Im pretty sure is AS more than even me, the other a mental wreck last I knew, acted out in adolescence (except instead of ret*d i made people believe I was a real Satanist, which Im very regretful of), grew my hair out, got into metal, and eventually found a place to identify through drugs, then hated myself (still do) and feel like Ive done nothing with myself.

Not sure what my point is, dont think I have one, but your story hit home for me because I get it. At least in my own way.

You cant allow yourself downplay what the abandonment of a father does to a young boy. If you are neurologically impaired, I suspect that impact would hit even harder. The confusion and insecurity it leaves behind really f's you up. That's what I think happened to me at least. I only started accepting it the last few years because I tried to make myself strong through self-deception.