I doubt this is an issue of doctrinal differences. I think it is probably personal "differences", meaning that this girl or these people are uncomfortable around you and in order to deal with their discomfort they avoid you or ignore you.
I have done this myself with "very NT" people. Especially girls that were my age. I was annoyed by their ability to flirt, their carelessness, their confidence which seemed like snobbery to me, their selfishness, and their lack of deep thinking. I also felt inferior while at the same time feeling superior. I was disgusted by them while at the same time wishing I could be as free as they were, not to be just like them, but to be less trapped in myself, to be able to not be invisible or "boring". I sort of avoided them. Not to the extent these people seem to be doing to you but I was distant from them. I didn't understand them. I thought I did understand them. But I really didn't.
These people probably think they understand you. But they really don't. They have probably made judgements in their hearts about you based on their interpretation of the things you say and do. They are probably reading you as if you were NT and coming to false conclusions about your motives and intentions. Even if they know you are autistic, they probably don't know enough about the spectrum to be able to even begin to make more accurate guesses in interpreting your behavior. And I am sure you come across as quite a capable person (you can talk, maybe you drive, maybe you have a job, maybe you can make a good potluck meal, etc.) and that in turn can cause others to not understand how you can make the social mistakes you might be making.
We try to be polite but the things that make sense to us as being polite are actually seen by NTs as being the opposite, or as being presumptuous or impertinent.
A lot of the mistakes we might make come from a place of wanting truth to be known, to clarify things, to make things make sense, and to express verbally the things that don't show on us outwardly. For instance, one time I was friends with someone and had gotten together with her a couple times. Her mom threw her a birthday party I wasn't invited to and didn't even know about til a short while later (like a week or two or something later) when I was at her house and she and her mom talked about it. I don't remember exactly what I said or did. I am pretty sure her mom was offended because of the way she looked at me. I didn't know it was rude to ask why you weren't invited or to express disappointment at not having been invited. I was disappointed and hurt but I think I also had this idea that they thought I wasn't interested and I wanted to correct that: that I was interested. Her mom may have said she didn't know I'd want to come. I don't remember now. I also thought we were friends and that that meant I should have been invited and I thought her mom should have known we were friends since we had gone a few places together; I didn't say any of that of course. I think I also had trouble imagining that this girl had any other friends to invite to a party. I think in my mind it was just me and her because I knew the other people who were invited and from what I had seen they didn't seem to be particularly interested in her or they didn't seem to talk to each much when I was with her with them. They probably spent time together I knew nothing about. I don't think I understood levels of friendship very well back then either and how it affected social interaction.
Well, anyway, that sort of truth was irrelevant to them. Other people don't know this about truth telling and truth expressing; it's not something they think about. They don't have to think about these things as much because they aren't misunderstood as often, have better understanding of how others think, and have an easier, more natural ability to express themselves in a way that others can readily understand and that, here is the key, that others can react to. There is nothing more awkward for people (Aspie and NT alike) than to not know how to respond. And with a lot of NTs, they have those mirror neurons pretty strongly and that social reciprocity to where they can react instantly to someone else's emotions they see and when they don't get those neurons activated or see those emotions they expect to see or see smooth and fluid, standard body language, they are very confused because they interpret you using their own codex, meaning they read you as NT. I am like BAP or something and have experienced both sides of this.
Another time with this friend I was at her house and she was showing me her music stuff; she liked old 70s bands. She mentioned the names of the bands and I was trying to place them, figure out who they were (I wasn't much into music back then which was unusual for a girl my age: high school) and seeing vague images of the men in the band or vague images of the band's name thinking of the way it was spelled because I had seen or heard the name before, trying to place them in time, and also thinking how I was to respond, when she said, "Is there a problem with that?" I guess she read the thinking expression on my face and the delay in reaction as "dislike" or "that's not cool." I said, "No," in answer to her question. I can't remember if I said anything else or not. Looking back I probably should have explained myself but I didn't have those skills and didn't fully grasp that I was probably making a face she had misinterpreted. I was also taken aback at her reaction and a little confused or hurt. She was reading me as if I was like her or like other people, using the standard codex.
I wrote a lot. I hope this made sense though it probably didn't give you much in the way of practical advice.
09 Oct 2015, 12:39 pm
